Just say it like it is...

I've been having a lot of thoughts on friendships and relationships in general lately. People are fascinating creatures... they're like puzzles. Except it's impossible to figure them out fully... there are always so many unknown variables. It's like trying to solve a multi-variable equation... If you were to compare life experiences to equations and the way humans act or think as variables.... then you can easily say that there are too many variables and too few equations... you just can't solve the equation, you can only hypothesize.

I think my biggest fear for coming out of college is realizing that I don't have friends. I don't want to come out of college and notice that I am friendless... that the people I thought were my best friends actually end up disappearing into the world and just become a faint memory. We all will go our separate ways, but will we keep in contact? Will we be intentional? Will I have the strength to continue being intentional or will I grow quickly tired of unintentional friends and just decide to drop it all and just live the way a lot of people live... married to work. I'm scared of losing my soul coming out of college. I'm scared to stop caring about things because I'm "too busy" or "too tired". I don't want to become a soulless man who does nothing but works and pays the bills on time. So most people would chime in that you can have relationships or marriage and get kids and whatnot. But as a Christian, I just can't drop the idea that Christ is supposed to be my fulfillment in life. So let's just say marriage isn't the end-goal in life. Let's just say that we don't see marriage as the ultimate form of intimate relationships... then what? We have nothing. We live pathetic lives. We build up an ego of nobility in our ability to perform well in this world (i.e. paying the bills on time, having a good credit score, having the latest of everything....). But it's all so fleeting. So some people rely on other things, like alcohol or drugs. And honestly, I can't deny that substances do provide that senseless pleasure. They give you a momentary relaxant to keep you just off the edge.

I wonder where I would end up after college. I want to stay home because then I can save so much money, but I don't want to end up in Staten Island again. I only like being here to get away from life... to be alone. But to socialize here... to meet people here. It feels like I'm choking. It's suffocating here. I hate it.

Part of me wants to leave college and cut all ties so I can start all over and hope that I won't make the same mistakes, but it's hard to just drop the friendships I built over the course of college. But I can't help but wonder... how close am I really to these people? Do they consider me their best friends? Is college just an illusion of a life that we all wish we had and then when we graduate, just forget and walk away? What exactly does being a friend entail? What do you do in situations where friendships are not reciprocated? Do you fight for them? Do you just drop it with the thought that you were just not meant to be friends?

Friendships are so complicated... if people thought less about themselves and more about the other person, then things would go so well. People would actually mutually love one another. But most friendships are so one-sided. People just receive and don't give back... and what's worse is that people just don't realize.

I mean... how blind could you be? It's not so hard to realize that you really suck at being a friend.

So I still wonder... what does it mean to be a good friend unto others? Are you really supposed to keep pushing even though it sucks and even though you feel tired and just can't seem to get yourself to care anymore? When things just suck that badly, don't most people just stop caring? That's what I do.

And why do we all try to teach each other how things are in life? Why can't we sometimes just listen for the sake of listening and take things for what they are? I feel like when people share, the listeners are trying more to change the mindset or way of thinking of the speaker because we feel like we know more than the other. But most people don't know crap about the other person... we can only trust what the other says. So why not be more intentional with your words. Say what you feel. Be real. Why try to be a certain way? Why say things you don't mean? It's just a waste of breathe.

I don't know... a lot of things running through my mind, so little time to figure things out before it's too late. What do I do? Where do I go? What am I supposed to believe?

what do you do...

What do you do in that moment when you stop recognizing yourself?

When you realize that you're not who you say you are?

When you realize you're not who you convinced yourself you are?

When you realize that you're so broken that you just act a fool and shrug it off?

When you realize that God is so far away from your heart that you've forgotten the feeling of grace?

When you realize how much you hate the image you portray?

When you realize that people look at you differently?

...

When you have fallen so low that "go to God" just doesn't seem to cut it anymore?

Digital Sea...

I woke, cold and alone
Adrift in an open sea
Caught up in regrets
And tangled in nets
Instead of your arms wrapped around me
And I wept, but my tears are anathema here
Just more water to fill my lungs
I hear someone scream
"God what is it we have done?"

I am drowning in a digital sea
I am slipping beneath the sound
Here my voice goes to ones and zeros
I'm slipping beneath the sound

A song from somewhere below
Deadly and slow begins
Both sickly and sweet
Now picking up speed
Ushering in the world's end
And the ghost of Descartes screams again in the dark
"Oh how could I have been so wrong?"
But above the screams the sirens sing their song

I am drowning in a digital sea
I am slipping beneath the sound
Here my voices goes to ones and zeros
I'm slipping beneath the sound

Here my voice goes to ones and zeros

Life is too short...

A Benediction...

To you who see your circumstances and feel despair and doubt rise up in you, tune your ear to the words of the prophet Isaiah: Fear not, for the Lord has redeemed you. He has called you by name and you are His. When you pass through the waters, He will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For He is the LORD your God, the Holy One, your Savior." God in the Peace of our God who is Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Amen. 

I hope and pray that these words will speak truth into you. Awesome.



Beware of not acting upon what you see in your moments on the mountaintop with God. If you do not obey the light, it will turn into darkness. “If therefore the light that is in you is darkness, how great is that darkness!” (Matthew 6:23). The moment you forsake the matter of sanctification or neglect anything else on which God has given you His light, your spiritual life begins to disintegrate within you. Continually bring the truth out into your real life, working it out into every area, or else even the light that you possess will itself prove to be a curse.

The most difficult person to deal with is the one who has the prideful self-satisfaction of a past experience, but is not working that experience out in his everyday life. If you say you are sanctified, show it. The experience must be so genuine that it shows in your life. Beware of any belief that makes you self-indulgent or self-gratifying; that belief came from the pit of hell itself, regardless of how beautiful it may sound.

Your theology must work itself out, exhibiting itself in your most common everyday relationships. Our Lord said, “. . . unless your righteousness exceeds the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 5:20). In other words, you must be more moral than the most moral person you know. You may know all about the doctrine of sanctification, but are you working it out in the everyday issues of your life? Every detail of your life, whether physical, moral, or spiritual, is to be judged and measured by the standard of the atonement by the Cross of Christ.

I'm Worn...

You know when a song somehow sings out the very things that you're feeling and you can't help but seem to surrender yourself to the song? Yeah.

I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven so come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn

I Can See Again...

I've been listening to a lot of Mars Hill Church music lately, and it's so captivating. I've heard people call it, the musician's music but it's more than that. Given that they really are worshiping through these songs, it is the true form of worship in the form of music. I could listen to this stuff forever. 

I just finished reading the first book to the "Night Angel" series (The Way of the Shadows) and it was an amazing read. I couldn't put down the book. I would get tired of reading books; so I would go to do something else but within 5 minutes, I was sticking my nose back into the book. Now, I just need to get that same kind of want for the Bible. I've been doing some consistent reading of the Word and not going to lie, it really changes things in your life. It's almost coincidental; but you really start to believe that the things happening your life are perfectly orchestrated by God. Whether it is the good or the bad, the series of events become something more than just "happenings". They actually start to hold weight and meaning. 

I've been going to Apostle's Church in the city every Sunday and obviously this requires me to take trips out to the city each weekend. After consistent trips out, I've come to appreciate the city for what it has to offer. I actually don't mind going out to the city as often (maybe it's because I've started taking the Express Bus rather than the local route. 

I've been feeling an impulse to write something for some time but now that I'm writing, I don't really feel as though I have anything substantial to say so I will end it at this. 

Goodnight. 

That awkward moment when...

Don't you just hate it when you have a very slow day and nothing is going on at night so you decide to go to bed early and then you realize you can't fall asleep because your mind is racing. Next thing you know, it's 2AM and you're wide awake and your mind is still going: "kjafnLFIUASD;DN qojfopq' JFOPQJDASD IWQE02&$)!@&$)(&()JDOIJdasd au(WSdslkadjadjnoas d9)!(@$&!@){$&(DASOKDJoajd:)()(hdklAHDLASJDKSAJDIOnkanKNFDKASDFLASKNDNAlkjnflksnfsdnf;folsnjf;klanfafn'fanflnsmkjfnscnwdsfmsnfs;kldfandfsnfos;daf......wsfasnfsdjfla...ano;FNLSAD;ANDFSNF;nskanfjdknf;()&)#U$()*#&%)!&@$_!@*$()$*@*!P@*#()UAJDljdladlakjdakmdalkdlala;d.........

Yeah, well I'm having one of those moments right now. It's like all my thoughts are just white noise and it just won't shut up. 

So frustrating when you're mind is racing and you've got so many thoughts swimming through your head. I should invent something that can literally shut your brain off when you're sleeping... Would be a bit dangerous in the protoyping stage... especially with humans... if you accidentally shut the brain off for good... HAHA

Anyway... Johnny Woo suggested I go read 1 Chronicles. Sounds like sound advice. 

Insert Title Here...

I just got back from Europe 2 days ago and it was definitely an experience. There was a lot of planning that went into the Europe Trip that my dad and I underwent and a lot of it went according to plan and a lot of it didn't (i.e. we were too tired to visit some museums). In total, we covered 8 different countries (Netherlands, Germany, France, Luxembourg, Belgium, Swtizerland, Lichtenstein and Austria). Everyday was a new thing, a new destination a new agenda. It was very tiring and mentally taxing but it was also a very refreshing experience.

As I finished up my Europe trip, I remembered just how much young American people fantasize and glorify Europe. We often dream of it as a place of romance or a place where there is character and history and hipster concepts. A place where everyone dresses well and where you would want to find love. I too used to think that way but after traveling across Europe, I have become very disillusioned about Europe to say the least. In it's own way, it is a very broken country with a lot of dark history but it also harbors a great deal of hope... hope to rebuild, hope to be better. People often dream of living in Europe... to that, I say that America really is one of the best places in the world to settle down. What I realized is that Americans have seriously become fattened and drunk on the concept of the "American Dream". As kids, we were taught to live with an attitude that if we want it, we can get it. However, since when has just the "thought" been enough to cause people to really strive for certain things. After having been taught to think and dream like a champion, we forget that in order for those dreams to become reality, we need to act.

This is most definitely not a criticism towards Americans with the only message being that Americans have turned into stupid, slobbering pigs. More so, it's a reminder to myself that this world is not all that willing to help me as I live my life. The illusion that my teachers up until now have been building has been deteriorating slowly and I am starting to see the world as it is and has been since the beginning of time. Just because I was born in America does not guarantee an easier way of life. What I started to see now, is that more than having the "American" perspective on things in life, it's essential to have a GLOBAL perspective. This world is moving so fast and information is accessible all across the world at an incomprehensible speed. It now makes what seemed like a vast world into a small area that is within "walking distance".

But how does this thinking fit into the Christian perspective? Aren't we as Christians supposed to be moving away from the worldly perspective? So isn't this basically all garbage? No. I think that by following the Christian perspective, we actually follow this kind of thinking on a much larger scale... So now, the world isn't an "area"... it's just a point on an infinite plane. Because our goal isn't understanding the way the world works... If we really follow the Christian perspective, then God puts our focus on the Kingdom... the infinite plane. And so this single point within the infinite becomes so small that it's (as mathematicians like to say)... negligible. God says, don't worry about this small point in the infinite... we get so tripped over this single point that we forget that there is a sea of infinite!

I am so guilty of this. I think this trip to Europe and getting a small taste of how infinitesimally small I am has thrown me out of whack and so my brain is fried and I am just all over the place mentally. I can't seem to get a grasp on reality and I got so shocked that I just started to think... what the heck is the point in all of this... But I failed to remember (and I am slowly being reminded) that that is why the gospel is so profound! Because despite the fact that we are such NOTHINGS in all of life... God has perfectly placed you, a mere electron in this infinite plane, exactly where he wants you and he has not forgotten your place in this vastness. In fact, more so than just remembering where you are, He is WATCHING you each and every moment you exist... and He adores you. He is so joyed by the fact that you are there... And so whenever we feel like our existence is so meaningless, remember that there is a God out there that has appointed meaning to your seemingly useless life and He can't WAIT till you see it, grasp it, and live it.

Really...?

I can really be so dumb sometimes... It amazes me.

They say people who are all brains have no common sense/"street smarts"... and vice versa...

What if you got neither. What are you then?

What the hell was that all about?...

God’s grace produces men and women with a strong family likeness to Jesus Christ, not pampered, spoiled weaklings. It takes a tremendous amount of discipline to live the worthy and excellent life of a disciple of Jesus in the realities of life. And it is always necessary for us to make an effort to live a life of worth and excellence.

Something that has been coming up a lot is the question: "Why do I keep making the same mistakes? I'm so disappointed in myself" And the more and more I pray and seek after God, I am coming to realize that God is okay with the fact that we are making the same mistakes. We are only human. But this cannot be mistaken with the fact that God still wants us to live with the mindset that we must put everything that we have into seeking after Him and doing His will. We must acknowledge our unworthiness, because it is not we who have redeemed ourselves, nor is it we who provide grace, strength, courage and salvation. God is the provider of grace and it is this very grace that turns weak people into strong men and women who are in the likeness of Christ. We have been grown and nurtured in a society where you earn your respect and earn your right to take up a significant part in this life. But God counters that and says that we have not earned anything and we cannot earn it. There is no way that we can earn grace and salvation. It was freely given not because God wanted to flaunt his awesome power... but because He wanted us to live in love. He wanted us to live free of the burdens of this world; breaking the very concept that we need to earn before we deserve.

God has been humbling me a lot these days (be careful what you pray for...). But I welcome it wearily. Being humbled by God comes at a price; your pride. It might seem like such a "1+1=2" concept, but this is something that people often hear and yet don't understand. Too often we live life like we're looking at our watches. We check the time always, yet we never know what time it is.

When God humbles you, He will BREAK you. Everyday, I am being broken... and it hurts like hell. My words mean nothing, my voice is all but mush, my thoughts are simple and foolish, and I am left as nothing but "nothingness". I'd be lying if I said that I'm having the time of my life, especially because as I am undergoing these humbling moments, I am really living out these humbling moments. As in, God is really imposing on me that I need to be humbled. And as much as I want to cry out "God, break me more and mold me into your masterpiece", I can't help but think of the pain and burning I will feel as I am thrown into the furnace for refinement. It's like when you throw ores into the fire, the pure metal gets separated from the impurities because all things have different melting points. In the same way, God will throw us into the fire as ores and we will emerge empowered by His holy flames with the ability to shake off and scrape off the impurities.

God, be my blacksmith...

Always Questions...

God gives us a vision, and then He takes us down to the valley to batter us into the shape of that vision. It is in the valley that so many of us give up and faint. Every God-given vision will become real if we will only have patience. Just think of the enormous amount of free time God has! He is never in a hurry. Yet we are always in such a frantic hurry. While still in the light of the glory of the vision, we go right out to do things, but the vision is not yet real in us. God has to take us into the valley and put us through fires and floods to batter us into shape, until we get to the point where He can trust us with the reality of the vision. Ever since God gave us the vision, He has been at work. He is getting us into the shape of the goal He has for us, and yet over and over again we try to escape from the Sculptor’s hand in an effort to batter ourselves into the shape of our own goal.

-My Utmost for His Highest-

We had samgyupsahl again today... and seriously, I loved it. I thought I would hate it, I thought I would get sick of it... but BRING IT ON DAY 3! I really need to go to the gym and do a proper workout.. no more half mile shenanigans... 

I think I'm going to pick up swimming again as my cardio/body toning workout during the school year... depending on how committed I am... If I can keep up this workout routine and find my time to do it, then I am definitely sticking to this and doing swimming. 

I realize more and more these days... that some things, I need to loosen my grip on... some things, I just need to let go... and some things I just need to realize that I'm not there yet. Why does it take so long to get there? Why does this all take so long... Can we fast forward? No... because then, later I'm going to wish I could rewind. It's all so confusing and all so unwanted yet wanted. Can you desire one and still have the other? Are they mutually exclusive or are they just out of reach of each other, leaving one to make a choice... At this point, I would still pick the wrong one. So what do I do, when I don't necessarily desire what I should desire because technically what I don't desire will provide me more satisfaction that what I desire, and what I desire will be the end of me.... yet I still desire it. 

Questions, questions. 

the Vow

I just finished watching the movie "The Vow" and I've got to say, it's a great movie. Very cheesy I guess and very unrealistic considering it's Hollywood... but I really liked it and apparently it's based off of a true story. What puzzled me was the mixed reviews I was hearing from different groups of people and what further shocked me was that (for the most part) the girls that had watched it thought it was lame but the guys I know who watched it were all blown away by the movie.

Now, one way to view this is that the girls I know are heartless women who have no souls, or that the guys I know are hopeless romantic saps. But what I noticed was pretty obvious, was that it is in the point of view of the man in the story. So it is much easier for a guy to relate to the story... to relate or to imagine the undesirable possibility of your loved one/spouse losing their memory.

Man, I couldn't help but feel so sorry for the main character. This sounds so sappy, but I really did feel for the guy. You can't help but pity the poor guy...

Anyway, I saw a cockroach in my house today... it was really small but really fast. You know that feeling where you see a bug and then you immediately start to feel like there are bugs all over you? Yeah, I had that feeling after that... and it was so annoying. Now, if you didn't know (Haeun and Kyungshick definitely know) that I hate bugs. I don't dislike them.... I hate them.. to the point where I used to wish that I had the superpower to gather every single bug in the world. Afterwards, I would put them all into a sphere and either burn them or throw them up into space so that they all die and we live in a world free of bugs. That is how much I used to hate bugs and that same hatred has carried through, throughout the years. The only thing that is different is that I have learned a great deal more about the ecosystem and thus have learned that this whole world (to a certain degree) depends on those bugs... so to gather them all and kill them would be killing off th world... so I decided against that... but I still hate bugs. I think the reason why I like movies so much, is because most of them somehow have outdoor scenes without a TRACE of a bug... and I think... I wish I could live like that. Forget the love stories and whatnot, I want the bugless world that Hollywood portrays.

I moved my computer downstairs to my dad's room and thus now enjoy fast (wired) internet! Come at me! Verizon FiOs for the win! I really take fast internet for granted (which is a loaded first world statement in itself) but I didn't notice this until I had to live through a cruddy internet connection upstairs in my room. I turned my room into a "study" room that is still in need of being used... Now, by study room I basically just moved my computer... so I just have an empty desk that I need to start using as my study desk. Having a computer in my face always distracts me. Now it's crunch time for GREs. God, give me perseverance to study hard not just for my sake, but for the sake of following your will!

Can't wait for my Europe trip. I feel like it's going to be epic. Very tiring but definitely will be a great experience. Can't WAIT!

What prayer can be...

Instead of praying only for relief, we begin to pray that the glory of God’s character would be on display in our lives and the lives of those for whom we are praying. We pray for the joy of discovering that the faith we have given lip service to over a lifetime is the real deal. We ask God to use the difficulty to make us less self-reliant and more God-reliant. Rather than only begging him to remove the suffering in our loved ones’ lives, we ask him to make them spiritually fruitful in the midst of suffering he chooses not to remove.

Home sweet Home?

I'm finally home for the summer... My first summer ever in NYC... I'm having loads of mixed feelings about my summer her in NY but I have plenty of goals for this summer:

1. Learn Drums
2. Make Money
3. Read LOTS of Books
4. Learn C++
5. Write at least 5 songs
6. Help out at MBS (home church)
7. Study for the GREs
8. Take tons of pictures and hone my skill
9. Hang out with Christine as much as possible
10. Learn more cooking dishes
11. Keep working out
12. Continue studying the Word and re-establishing a firm relationship with Christ (getting out of this complacent phase)
13. Longboard as much as possible!

There's definitely more that I just can't think of right now. I really want to accomplish all of this... but I'm going to need a lot of time to get all of this down... can't be wasting a lot of time. Gotta make sure I'm staying on top of my studies for the GREs... Can't be slacking off at all. We'll see how all of this goes.

I'm kind of feeling bummed about being home.. I feel like all the action is happening over at Boston and I want to be a part of it... God give me patience and perseverance!!

Love never ends...

"Love never ends...." (1 Corinthians 13:8)

Love never ends... Love is patient, kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing; but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends...

God made a promise to His people... because He loves us. That concept was always so abstract to me and it still is, but God is Love. God bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things... God endures all things. God never ends. God is my everything. He is my all. He is the beginning, the end, the almighty, the good.

God is good. All the Time.

It's a strange thing...

Today was a pretty productive day. I went to Mugar and studied from 4PM till 3AM. I've got to say, honestly, it took a lot longer than it should have but regardless, I did what I set out to do. I can't really say that I'm feeling all too ready for this Thermodynamics exam. I went through a butt load of material, but it really is difficult to grasp the concepts because a lot of it depends on subtleties... I wish I had been able to grasp these concepts while I was learning them but at this point, I'm just trying to piece together fragments of information. Everything that I've learned so far in this class is somehow interconnected and I really wish that I could get a better idea of how they are connected, but it's not necessarily happening for me.

Anyways, I watched Blood Diamond last night and felt an extremely strong conviction to join Engineers Without Borders. I saw how the movie depicted the lives of African people and the war-torn country that it was shown as and I couldn't help but wish that something could be done. What really got me was the fact that there was a photojournalist in the movie and the way she took pictures to describe and depict the pain and agony made me want to go on a trip to Africa to take pictures in the same way. Of course, I have a long way to go before I even master the art of photojournalism... but I want to master it or at least get very good at it. I want to take trips to torn countries and be able to take pictures that properly and fully display the emotions and culture that is present in those countries... to be able to depict the infinite difference between life in America and life elsewhere. I hope I can live out that kind of a dream.

That movie also motivated me to study harder. It made me realize, that in order for me to make a difference in this world, I can't just be an average student. I need to think of new ideas... be innovative. I need to see this world as a huge pool of opportunity. See the world as a compilation of materials and tools, of which I will use to create things that will better the lives of mankind. I feel like a huge effort is going out to creating sustainable products for third world countries... products that can be created and maintained in a not-so-energy-friendly environment. Energy is the biggest issue in this world... trying to find a clean, powerful and efficient source of energy. And then using that source of energy to power the world to prosperity. I wanna make a change...

I want to be an engineer...

I'm running out...

It's really shocking how easily people can be blinded from the rest of the world simply by the few things going on around their immediate vicinity. For example, for most college students, it is finals week... otherwise known as hell week... and for good reason. On a side note, I must say that I think it is pretty stupid how your entire semester's worth of effort can be dependent on a single exam at the end of it all, but that is besides the point. So, like most college students, I am currently in the midst of studying for my finals. And I cannot lie, it is a very stressful experience. Not because I have so much work, but just the weight of these exams... the fact that my passing or failing a class depends almost entirely on these one or two exams. Now, as I study for these exams, I get stressed out, depressed (mildly), bummed out, annoyed, tired, etc. And while coping with all of these emotions, I have turned a blind eye to the one thing that brings me peace and joy: Jesus. "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed" (Proverbs 16:3). I've forgotten this... while furiously trying to scrap together the leftover information in my tired brain, I've come to realize that I was missing the key element that was supposed to be driving me through these finals in glorious light! I often found myself wondering... "what's the point in studying for these stupid finals? What am I supposed to learn from this?" and I still do feel bitter and angry towards finals; however, I have come to realize that all that I do is for God. My being able to study is a privilege and I need to take full advantage of that. Too bad it's nearing the "too late" point in deciding to pick it up, but it's never too late to try.

At this point, my brain is shutting off... I am so out of it and my brain is so tired that it can't really seem to function all too well anymore. I'm just rotting away (or at least that is what I feel like). I wonder if any of the information I just studied is staying in my brain and actually remaining there for good. Will this be another fail? God... just don't give me another D. I can't afford it you know? I mean, unless I'm meant to get kicked out... I just don't know what else to do but beg that you won't give me a D. Just let me graduate please... Who would have thought that I would be saying that? I used to be the kid that worried he wouldn't graduate as Valedictorian... now I'm begging desperately to just graduate... Oh how far I've stooped. It's actually kind of sad and depressing... so let's move onto other things!

Once Thursday hits... I will be done. I will simply enjoy the fact that I am free and able to do whatever the crap I want to do. Nothing will hold me back from letting loose and having fun. I hope the weather lets up so that I can at least go take some pictures and enjoy my last few days spent here in Boston before I head home for a long summer.

Anyways, back to the problem set :) Toodles!

P.S. I have a wonderful girlfriend whom I am so grateful for. Countless times, she has helped me pull through tough situations even with just small words of encouragement. Thank you Christine for being such a faithful woman of God and helping me open my eyes to the light of Christ! I really am so thankful that God has placed you into my life... you've been such a great friend to me throughout our time here at college but there is too much to thank you for, so I will end it at that.

Since when...?

I completely forgot that I even have this blog. But Christine kindly reminded me by telling me to write in the blog. But it's hard because I don't really have much going through my mind right now... or at least I can't really solidify my thoughts. But here goes on some random rambling...

So, I'm starting to realize that being in a relationship really makes you think a lot more. Things that I would normally brush off or disregard, or things that naturally wouldn't even come across my mind start to come up. And now that I think a whole lot more, I started to realize how easily I can be influenced. Isn't it funny how the little things, the small words are the ones that take you away? A simple "I miss you" or "Hi" can bring new meaning into your life. It's almost sad how much people cling onto those words... and the lengths that people go through in order for those words to become a part of their lives. People actually lose their sense of dignity and pride over those words... But I think one's longing for those words to be a part of of their lives is important under one condition: who are these words coming from? For example, if someone you are not too fond of comes by and says "I miss you", then it means little to nothing, but when your significant other or someone who is important/dear to you says those very same words, they bring joy and bliss into your life. So it's not just the words that carry the weight... it's the person that carries the weight of those words. Now, in light of this, you can also note that by seeing who's words affect you the most, you can also narrow done the people that mean the most to you. When you find yourself longing to hear such words from a person, you can pretty much tell that that person is of importance to you for whatever reason.

But with that in mind, it begs the question: "Why don't we have the same longing for God?" Why don't God's words make us long in the same way? I think it's because His words are so consistent. We get sick of consistency. We long for it all the time but we get so sick of consistency... we get tired of it, bored of it... which is why so many relationships fail after only a few months. So the fact of the matter is, we get bored of God's words... His promises... which is surprising because God is the ultimate romantic. So is there no hope? Do we simply continue living out our lives thinking that all is hopeless? Well, I've been thinking lately that maybe the reason behind our lack of desire for God is because, we don't truly understand the significance of consistency... of solidity. And I think that comes from the lack of understanding of eternity... the inability to comprehend what it means for His love to be steadfast. If we could even grasp a fraction of His steadfast love (essentially grasping the infinite), then we would be able to see why His love is such a big deal. Which I think is why God often challenges us... because we are insatiable beings because we cannot understand or comprehend the vastness of His love. So God brings challenges into our lives, so that we have something that is changing and constantly reminding us that we are in need of perfection and consistency. To remind us that His consistent love is the one thing that will bring true joy into our lives. Strange huh?

On a totally random note, I just finished the book The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom. It was not as great as Tuesdays with Morrie but it was an interesting book nonetheless. One thing that irked me about the book though was the fact that it wasn't necessarily a Christian book. It spoke of Heaven so easily and for some reason, I felt bothered that Heaven was being described in such a way, especially because God/Jesus played little to no role at all in the book. Heaven is supposed to be all about Jesus. Now, I know it's not a Christian book... but the concept just irked me I guess... Some of the points were interesting though. It had a lot to do with forgiveness. Forgiveness of self and of others. I think one thing people often overlook is forgiveness of self. In the book, one of the main points was that the main character lived a very mundane (if not seemingly pointless) life and he blames it all on certain events in his life... but essentially it all boils down to his inability to forgive himself... which leads to problems in the family and in his own love life. And as he is in Heaven, he learns to deal with his inner struggles and find peace within himself by learning to forgive himself for all the things he blamed himself for because everything happens with a purpose. Everything (every action, event, etc.) is intertwined in this huge web called Life. And every "mistake" was intentional... It's all an interesting concept...

Again on a random note, I watched Avengers today with all my friends (great times!) and not gonna lie, it was an amazing! movie. One of the best times I've had watching a movie... the action was great and the story line was fun. It "tickles" your inner child and makes you wish you were a superhero again. If I were to choose to be one of the Avengers, I would be Iron Man... relatively realistic with really cool supernatural twist... It almost seems attainable hahahaha.

Studying for finals has been on an all time low. It doesn't really help that I don't feel any pressure at all regarding academics... I find no reason to do well on these exams because I feel like I've learned the concepts and I don't really want to prove myself to anybody... I just want to move on with my life and learn new things. But, as with everything in this world, you need to prove yourself... and so I study... with very mild purpose in mind.

I've taken a liking towards classical music again. It's making me feel nostalgic about my classical music days. Something about classical music just excites the brain and really stimulates learning. It almost seems to stimulate life, especially the piano. I love classical piano. My dream would be to go to classical piano recital... a professional one... like at Boston Symphony Hall.

Anyways, time to sleep and dream on about life after finals. :) Good night world.
(I wonder if people still read my blog)...

When there’s an elephant in the room introduce him...

“The key question to keep asking is, Are you spending your time on the right things? Because time is all you have. ” 

“Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted. And experience is often the most valuable thing you have to offer.” 

“When you’re screwing up and nobody says anything to you anymore, that means they’ve given up on you.” 

“Wait long enough and people will surprise and impress. When you’re pissed off at someone and you’re angry at them, you just haven’t given them enough time. Just give them a little more time and they almost always will impress you.” 

“A lot of people want a shortcut. I find the best shortcut is the long way, which is basically two words: work hard.” 

“Find the best in everybody. Wait long enough, and people will surprise and impress you. It might even take years, but people will show you their good side. Just keep waiting.” 

“Find the best in everybody. Just keep waiting no matter how long it takes. No one is all evil. Everybody has a good side, just keep waiting, it will come out.” 

“The person who failed often knows how to avoid future failures. The person who knows only success can be more oblivious to all the pitfalls.” 

He was a wise man. So eager to always be finding the good things in life. I guess that's what a true optimist is. (Randy Pausch)

always a first

I'm not big on posting things like this up on the internet, but it was a good day so I couldn't resist. Went to Mr. Bartley's Burger joint and ate some delicious burgers.... We happened to get seated next to a sign that said "Men, That was my first mistake" (top right) and she thought it was the perfect sign for us HAHA - a sign from God. Then took her to Crema Cafe and I got the regular Cappuccino (kind of like an overpriced coffee) and Christine got the Red Crema (most delicious drink ever!). Had a nice little chit chat and then headed over to Sweets to get some cupcakes. The End.

Can I just say, that this was one of the most stress-relieving and fun days I've had in a long time (with the exception of the DC trip... love yall). Really felt like I had some genuine fun and praise God for keeping the weather pretty okay! Really... I am craving the Red Crema... but it will come another day. Thanks Christine for today! Youda Best.

But other than that, today was a pretty tiring day... spent all day running around doing things and trying to finish homework, but turns out, I didn't finish it. Sad times... but almost done and will have to spend majority of tomorrow finishing it all up. Can't wait... But really, praise God for today.

"May I seek you daily, in all that I do so that You are glorified and lifted up in all things. May I even offer my relationships, my academics and my future up to you and acknowledge the truth that You have great things in store for me and You will provide for me in all things. So keep my eyes on You. Keep my heart longing for You. My flesh cries out for the world but my soul longs for You and only You. May you remember that my soul longs for you and that You have separated me from my flesh. Let me be blameless in Your sight and continue to live in Your redemption and grace." 

problem sets

problem sets drive me crazy. You think you know the material after you walk out of lectures... and actually... you actually feel like you learned something that day. And then you start the problem set. I feel like everything that I thought I once knew becomes a lie and nothing on the problem set makes sense. Math becomes twisted... concepts don't exist... and worst of all! You can never seem to find the things you need to find in your notes. I swear, I saw it during lecture and then it just doesn't exist... I scourge through my notes and find that I am utterly lost. I have NOTHING.

I am currently working on my Thermodynamics Problem Set... (I just finished my Control Systems one and praise the Lord for comprehensible problem sets in that class)... and I just needed a break. There are so few concepts that we have learned so far... and yet somehow, it seems like there is a butt load of information hidden and stored away in each problem. Each word means something... there are subtle clues that I have just not gotten a hold of. There are minor differences in systems and those minor differences leads to huge mathematical leaps... I just can't seem to put 2 and 2 together...

I wish that I was able to manage my time a little better. Honestly, there are plenty of times when my outside life really inconveniences me because I always follow a strict schedule. And I am usually limited on time... (a lot of times because I procrastinate.... or "rest" as I like to call it). I need to just stop "resting" so much and just get started on my homework assignments a lot earlier. I could have done this ridiculous lab report over Spring Break... but then, who wants to do work over Spring Break?!... so, I didn't touch it once. If I didn't have to write this wretched lab report, my life would be exponentially easier at this point. But I just never look ahead and always leave things for the last minute. Why? WHY do I do this to myself? I don't know... and yet, I will continue on doing it for a very long time (if not forever) and it will be the end of me. Someday, I will grasp this and learn to do things a lot earlier than they are due instead of scrambling to finish things last minute. I remember seeing a quote: "If you do something last minute, it only takes a minute to finish it"... so true. HAHA but obviously, the twist is... you're probably not going to get a very good grade at all. What I find hardest to do in college, is to deny hanging out. It gets easier as we get older (mostly because we're always so tired), but it really is very difficult to say "no" to hanging out. We know that "we'll only hang out for an hour or two..." turns into three to four hours.... and "I'll do it after this movie" turns into doing it the next day or the day after... in the end, we are all just procrastinating. I realize. It is 5AM... I am tired as hell... have not gotten too much sleep lately and will not be getting a lot of sleep tomorrow. (Sorry Weeny, I know you're sleeping so you're not gonna be tired... but guess I'll be purty tired tomorrow). I hate waking up early to do something on the weekends unless it's something fun. Especially when it requires me to leave the room. Stuvi2 is so comfortable and it is so easy to get lost in here. I have grown accustomed to this lifestyle and I love being in my room. Even on a nice day, I find myself admiring from the inside (yeah, it's sad) but it's pleasant. Okay, time for bed. I am falling asleep as I write this. Good night world.

redundancy

they say that doing the same thing over and over again without success is called madness... if this is true, then has the world gone mad? We live in a world where redundancy and consistency is "worshiped" or even revered. If you are a person that can live strong for many years in a consistent manner, then you are good. But this is such a flawed philosophy... I feel like the intentions are good but the truth of the matter is... we are people, and we screw up every good idea out there just by human nature.

So, we think that having this sort of mindset will keep us living consistent lives... and that is true, but there is one thing that a lot of people seem to forget... or they just push it off to the side as if it doesn't matter because they are scared..... and that is the bad habits. The bad consistency. The things in life that you wish were inconsistent. When you pick up bad habits... you often find yourself not even wanting to continue living life with those bad habits. You find yourself getting annoyed at how you feel like you are at the mercy of those bad habits. And so, our pre-conditioned nature to be consistent kicks in and so we start keeping our bad tendencies consistent... which ultimately builds it up into a habit. And habits. are. hard. to. break.

I find myself in this situation. I've got this nagging bad habit of mine and I really want to stop it. But, as I said before... bad habits are hard to get rid of. They take time... they take revealing... they take a lot of patience. It takes a lot of help from people around you to keep you aware of those bad habits or to prevent you from performing those bad habits. But it also takes a lot of prayer. Prayer for strength to help you live on and be consistent in fighting the bad. In the end, it all falls down to ratios. What is the ratio of good to bad? And most importantly... what is the ratio of "fighting the bad" to "doing nothing". Doing nothing equates to giving up. And the last thing you wanna do... is give up. or else we become consistent in that, and that will definitely lead us to our deaths a lot quicker than we may expect.

timeless

Just finished watching Apollo 13... and seriously, what an incredible movie. Engineers really are amazing... people really are amazing...

On a side note... decisions really play a big part in life huh... That sounds like such a "duh" statement, but I don't think people really understand the weight of a decision. It's so easy for us to live our lives as though every bad decision we make will end up in a redeeming point at some later point... but sometimes, that just doesn't happen. Sometimes, we need to deal with the bad decisions of our lives... But who is to say what is a bad decision and what is a good decision? There is that thing called a "wise decision" and people often consider a good and wise decision to be synonymous. But I don't think they are... a wise decision is always a good decision, but a good decision is not always a wise one. Sometimes... the good choices in life, were done in an unwise manner.

I wonder... can this be applied to my life? Can my near-spontaneous decisions be considered good decisions? I feel like by constantly living to try making wise decisions... I live in a lot of fear... I live fearful of making mistakes... sometimes, it's the mistakes that help you grow. Yeah sure, people get hurt through mistakes and I'm at risk of getting hurt by my own mistakes... but as someone said once: "What and If: two words as simple as any other words, but when put together they have the potential to make us rue the rest of or lives."

So is it better to make the "wiser" decision or is it better to sometimes take the risk so that I can live life without any regrets? Not to say that wisdom is useless and it is not helpful... but I also think there is wisdom behind knowing when to make the "wise" decisions and when to make the "good" decisions. Doing the "wiser" thing doesn't make you a wise person...

Do I sound crazy? Well, these are my thoughts. And opinions aren't meant for refining... otherwise we'd all be the same person... and that's a pretty cruddy life.

sleeping sleeping

As of late, I've been sleeping at awkward hours. Last night, as I was watching Dragonball Z, I fell asleep at around 9PM and woke up at 10PM to find myself utterly confused and extremely sore for some weird reason. Today, I fell asleep watching How I Met Your Mother at 6PM and woke up again at 7PM... why is my body so tired? I started my work out schedule again, but I'm off to a slow start.

I'm itching to write about something but I don't really know what... I guess something I've been thinking about is how nothing is really happening in my life these days. My life is extremely uneventful and nothing has been happening lately. It's weird to complain about this (seriously a first world problem) but really, you would expect more to happen while living in a first world. But my life is so quiet... I don't know if this is because I am ignoring the things going on in my life or because there really is nothing going on, but it really seems so quiet... too quiet if you ask me.

I decided for now, I'm going to try and occupy myself by taking up photography a little more seriously. Actually doing research and trying to learn the concepts behind taking pictures on a "serious hobbyist" level. I need more places to start and some guidance because even if I do readings, I don't know how to apply the things I learn. Such a bummer. Well, gotta keep pushing forward and try to learn as much as possible! Hopefully, I can actually take this hobby up seriously for once and really take a lot of pictures to explore.

So going back to me being bored and having too much free time, I wonder what to think of such a situation. Am I supposed to be happy about this? Am I supposed to be okay that nothing is going on in my life? I am slacking a little in my spiritual walk but I think it's not in a bad place... I am constantly trying to challenge myself and keep growing... I just gotta keep at it. So, aside from my spiritual side needing a bit of a booster in morale, what the heck do I do? Where do I walk at this point my life? What am I supposed to be doing with my life? Am I supposed to be looking for internships and summer research positions? Or am I supposed to sit and wait patiently? Time is passing and fleeing.. I have no idea what to do... I'm a lost child in a sea of time (I should make that a song lyric). But for real, I am so lost in time.... and I feel like I'm just floating away.

Someone save me from this. I don't like this feeling. I want a feeling of desperation and need. I want to feel like I have something more to live for.

P.S. I've been really confused as to what I want to do in life.. especially since the time is drawing nearer... it's harder to determine whether or not I want to go into entrepreneurship or research... I feel like I would be more tailored for entrepreneurship... but we'll see what happens. People pray for me please. I need some serious Jesus-Guidance right now.

i need words

I need words as wide as the sky
I need a language large as
This longing inside

And I need a voice
Bigger than mine
And I need a song to sing You
That I've yet to find

I need You,
Oh, I need You
I need You,
Oh, I need You

To be here now
To be here now
To hear me now
To hear me now


It's crazy how so few words can really captivate the words in my heart. Oh David Crowder. You amaze me with your ability to put prayers of the heart into words of the mouth. I think that is a true display of wisdom in itself.

God, I need you. I need you more than even I know. I don't even know the severity of my sins and the things I have done in my life and the things I will do/am doing. Break my heart for what breaks yours God. Teach me God. Teach me so that I may know the truth behind my actions. Reveal myself to me. Help me to see who I am and learn more about who I am so that I may better use all that I am to serve you in a way that is pleasing to you and uplifting to your community. I am so lacking and so failing in so many ways and I can only see a glimpse of my faults. Please, help me God. Help me to see the truth behind my complacency.

I want to live to love. I want to live to be great.

I Want to LIVE. 

i am a delta function

I am a delta function. A delta function is basically an impulse function of magnitude infinity and width of near zero. It basically looks like an infinitely tall line at a single point. So why am I a delta function?

Well, as a human being, emotions run deep... or just run... in my life. I can't say that I am an extremely emotional person but they are present and do affect the decisions I make in life. It almost seems to me like emotions and logic (or scientific rationality) are antonyms. Emotions and scientific rationality oppose each other which often results in confusion when put together. So, as we try and make decisions or try to think about certain things, we mix those two together and then call it "logical". But if things really were logical, we wouldn't be so confused all the time. I don't think something can be logical when emotions are involved; instead, a purely emotion-less decision or thought can be considered a logical thought (or a scientifically rational thought). With that being said, because we are all human, pure scientific rationality is not obtainable (I don't think)... because our emotions affect everything. But the strange thing about our emotions (which brings me closer to my original statement) is that it is very spontaneous. More often than not, emotions occur spontaneously or suddenly and often catch us off guard because we expect our thoughts and decisions to be logical. So, our emotions turn us into delta functions. A sudden (infinite) peak of thought and questioning that completely changes the function of our lives. We live a relatively constant life (f(x)=0) and then BAM! a peak shoots up and our function goes haywire turning us into delta functions.

And so, I am a delta function. I would say I am an impulse function but that is not true because an impulse function remains at the new value until a certain time period. But, the way I think typically is like that of a delta function. I usually get a sudden shot of emotions and then it all drops and I return to normal. There are times when I will remain at that emotional level for some time but I more often just shoot right back down. An instantaneous rise and fall of emotions which is why I get confused and moody. Strange.

On a side note, I noticed that the success of many consumer products... is user-friendliness. Majority of the success of a product is in its user-friendliness. So how does this apply to my life? I am a product. I am a product of God's Creation Factory and the success of my being sold all depends on my user-friendliness. Will consumers have a hard time using me or working with me? Am I more of a hassle than a benefit to the quality of people's lives? God does not create junk. So that means I have the potential to be a very user-friendly product, but I was given free will. I am a product that can basically choose my success. How willing am I to be shaped by God so that people can find me to be someone that increases the quality of their lives? So really, the choice is mine. But all of this doesn't mean anything if I don't see "user-friendliness" as a priority in my life. So... the real question is: Is it?

jack daniels

Reading other people's blogs makes me want to write a post, despite the fact that I don't have anything to write about. Maybe something will come out of all this rambling.

So I started a work-out schedule. Well, it's more like a competition... for 4 weeks, Wonshick and I will work out everyday and then see who can get bigger. I feel like everyone thinks that I can get bigger which makes me feel overconfident and thus makes me compensate how hard I'm going to work out. I don't really feel like I'm working out all too much but I have been going to the gym every single day. Working out really makes you tired.

It's funny how working out different parts of your body can really change the way you feel about your appearances. When you work out things like back, legs, shoulders... then it's really hard to feel continuously motivated because you don't really see the results as quickly. But when you work out biceps, triceps, chest,  or abs, then you can walk out of the gym feeling like a total boss because your arms or chest will bloat like crazy which makes you look at least 2 times your natural size. Serious ego booster.

On a totally, random note...
Isn't it strange how time moves at different speeds? If it's 11AM or 3PM, the day feels like it's never going to end... but as soon as it starts to hit 7PM or 8PM... then time literally flies and the next thing you know, it's 10PM or 2PM... and it's way past your bedtime. I hate that. I hate feeling like I'm in some sort of rush later in my day. I wish the days would get slower as you go through. But class was interesting today. We had a review session for our exam next week (Prof. wasn't there because he is on some seminar trip)... and so the TFs were trying to review the material for us but they kept making mistakes and kept doing things in really weird roundabout ways... and so half the time, we were correcting their mistakes. It was actually kind of annoying seeing how annoying slow and stupid their way of analyzing the circuit was. By the time they wrote half of the equations, all the kids were done with the problem.

I'm getting really tired and actually getting really sleepy. I just woke up to a bunch of "B's" on my screen because I fell asleep while typing this blog. Damn. I want to go to bed, but I don't want to because I didn't do anything at all today. First world problems....

--
Edit: I've come to realize that every time I decide whether or not to stay out or go home, I feel so torn. Home is so comfortable. I have my computer there, my guitar, my movies, TV shows, etc. etc. But then again, home is where I have nothing to do and am usually by myself. Home is where my thoughts get me carried away and I end up sitting around all day and thinking about random things. And then my thoughts just wonder and I lose track of what reality is and then I start twisting reality. I start thinking that I thought about something for such an extended period of time which makes me tired of thinking about it. It's crazy how thinking 100% about a single thing over a short period of time can feel like thinking about the same thing with only 10% concentration over a week. Interesting.

Scared to Be Alone

If the world should end tomorrow
And no one's by my side
My greatest fear and sorrow
Is to be alone tonight

The sky may fall
The earth could shake
And the seas could turn to stone
The sun may scorch me
Still I'll be brave
But I'm scared to be alone

Don't feel sorry for me
I'll be stronger than I look
Though it's real, the pain I feel
What if I keep holding on?
Someone hold me 'till I'm gone

If I sleep and never wake
If my body turns to bone
Death can rear his ugly face
I'm just scared to be alone

I am tired of this fight
But Heaven's holding me tonight
God, our refuge; God of might
Be near, be near, oh God be near

Lovers leave and friends forsake
But there's one thing that I know
My heart will heal and my heart will break
But I'll never be alone

Let me never forget that with You, I am never alone. 

time

God, be the ruler of time in my life.

coffee communion

I hate it when you have nothing to write about (I guess that statement is a paradox in itself).

There is a lot to be excited about this semester. But I get the feeling that it is going to feel like an extremely slow semester. A lot of stuff has been happening over the past few days and a lot of things are being said. Definitely time for God to be working in my life. And by working, I mean building character, stretching me, changing me, shaping me into someone more like Him. I've got mixed feelings about this. I'm excited to become the end product of a success story, and yet I am reluctant to get into a time of challenges. Basically, I'm scared.

On the surface, I guess a lot of people can look at me and think... "He's not bad. He's not crazy... I guess", maybe even "He's pretty cool" or "He's so AWESOME" (hahahaha) But a lot of it is an act and I am being reminded a lot recently that someday the mask must come off and that time is now. I've been delaying this for so long but it's about time that I start dealing with my inner demons. The things I've gotten so good at hiding at a surface level. The things that only the people that are really close to me know. I am scared to see again the things that I tried to push away in my character for so long. The reason why I pushed them away for so long was because I was disgusted by them and I didn't want to be associated with such characteristics. To name a few, 1) I have a big mouth and I just run it without thought many times, 2) I have a hard time listening, 3) I always need to defend my point (there's always a "But..."), 4) I grow impatient with things that I don't want to hear, and the list goes on. When I look at the list of things wrong with me, I can't help but get overwhelmed. At first, it's anger or frustration (Why do I have to have these qualities?) and then it becomes determination to change (I can fix these), and then after enduring through failure, it becomes apathy out of hopelessness (What's the point, this is who I am and I can't help but be this way, I am just lucky to have people who can deal with me). And this has been the progression of thought for all these years... inadequacy would probably sum up my life in one word. I always saw my life as being full of deficit. I never really saw my life as being opportunistic or full of abundance (except when I was in junior high). And so over the years, I've grown to think this way. From the criticism of family members especially, I've succumbed to beating myself to a pulp on the inside because I never thought I was adequate in their eyes. Not to belittle my family, but I just know for sure, I will not raise my kids with so much negativity. BUT, I think my parents are great! They are truly people who only live to have me flourish and benefit and reap the fruits of their labor. So I think to deal with my lack of confidence in myself (in my late teens), I would overcompensate and begin to exaggerate everything. I would act up to hide my feelings or keep talking so that I don't have to listen to things anymore and I became so defensive of myself because I have developed a front. It's all a coping mechanism and slowly, my walls are being broken down and I don't like it. I guess deep inside, I still have a lot of bitterness towards my sister for being so tough on me (even though I know it was out of love). There was just not a lot of patience in the relationship between me and my sister and I think that is not just her fault, but also mine. I was too impatient to see the love behind my sister's words and my sister was just too impatient to deal with me in a calm manner (but then again, what teenage kid is patient enough to deal with a bratty younger sibling? Can't blame her).

Anyways, all these things are starting to come back up and I'm realizing that all these things are hindering my ability to understand the truth behind my relationship with God and I view God as someone who is there to point out my flaws. "Fix it" is something I would expect to hear from Him a lot; however, I do associate God with love because, there was love behind what my family had to say to me and the way they raised me was all out of love. So it's a very confusing and contradictory viewpoint of God. He is someone who loves me yet He is the person who will point out my flaws and expect me to fix it or else...

Slowly, this "wrong" perspective must be broken and it is in the process of being broken. This is something that should have been dealt with a long time ago and yet I've pushed it aside until now. I put "wrong" in quotes because right now, I don't really see it as wrong, I just see it as a different perspective. But I am hoping that God will shape my thoughts and my heart to see and understand that this mindset is wrong. It is wrong because God is not some regulator. We are not expected to be perfect. We are not expected to be able to do these things on our own. We were meant to cling to Him and keep struggling with the issues of our lives. But once again, it is easier said than done.

Mellany: "You were given many gifts. Don't wish you didn't have them, just refine them."

We need to refine the gifts we were given. They may not seem like gifts, but once we refine them, we can see the beauty in them which leads us to realizing the beauty within ourselves as being creations of the one true God. Learn to love yourself and the things God has given you. Don't let the world twist the good that God has created into something that seems inadequate. Because in God's eyes, You are Great.

I want my coffee communion.

it's always hot in my room

""Then the high officers, officials, governors, and advisers crowded around them and saw that the fire had not touched them. Not a hair on their heads was singed, and their clothing was not scorched. They didn't even smell of smoke!" (Daniel 3:27)

We're often thrown into a pit of flames. Some hotter than others... and too often, we get burnt. Even the smallest of fires can burn us and hurt us a great deal. We need to understand and remember always that there is a God who will keep us from getting burnt. You might be getting burnt right now as you read this... Remember that there is nothing to fear in God. Look to Him for help and ask Him to be your shelter, your safe house. Just walk out with Him instead of staying around and wondering why you're getting more and more hurt. I feel like slowly, I'm starting to walk towards the furnace (out of free will). My laziness, lack of desire for anything and tiredness is constantly creeping up on me and I'm having a hard time getting back into the groove of things. I need to get back on track. 

On a total tangent, I can't seem to fall asleep too well these days... I swear, whenever I come to school, eventually I enter into some mild form of insomnia where I am so tired but I just cannot fall asleep. It's the most annoying feeling in the world especially because I am the kind of person who keeps track of the number of hours of sleep I will be getting. I don't really read time... I read "hours of sleep". I want to be able to sleep normally again... I really miss winter break. 

Another tangent. I've been getting into photography again. My goal is to learn how to use range finders (starting with my dad's Voigtlander). We'll see if I can even get my hands on the instruction manual... gotta learn how to use this thing and then off we go into a world of trial and error. Too bad I can't process my film here in Boston at CVS anymore... I need to look for a place that will process film for me. 

I still have a lot of thoughts stuck around in my head and I really want to have more time to just sit and think about the things in my head... but I just can't find the time to do so. There's always a problem set or a lab report due and I feel so hindered. Especially lately, I've been knocking back and forth between BME and ministry again. I thought my opinions on ministry were completely dealt with and I thought I had decided not to go into (or even think about) ministry. Frankly, it's a hard life... and I don't really know if I'm up for all that pressure. I want to leisurely go about my Christian life with no pressure. I want to be able to live in Christ without feeling like I need to be watching everything I say or do. Besides, I want money... I want to be able to do things with my family and provide for my parents in the future... maybe even if I have enough money and can budget better, I can even help provide for my wife's family... that would be ideal. I don't really know what I want to do with my life anymore. I hate it because I feel so pressured and subconsciously I keep stressing out about the things that I need to do. I've just got so many different things on my mind and I don't know what is the devil and what is God and what is me. I've lost the ability to distinguish my own voice in my own head... there are too many voices and too many things going on up in my brain. 

I just want to take a break again. I feel like I just want to be gone from the things of this world. So much freaking pressure on so many different things. It doesn't help that I like to think ahead... which makes me start to get random anxiety attacks... like right now. I can't fall asleep and it get's me annoyed and I just want to end up skipping all my classes because I am so tired. I hate being tired. 

Pastor Barry spoke about relationships today. It was pretty interesting. Hm. Yeah. Interesting. 

I just want to sleep forever. What a dream. Speaking of dreams, I had a dream last night and it was wild. So wild that I actually retold myself the dream and recorded my telling of the dream. Okay, tiredness slowly creeping in, I'm going to take advantage of this. Good night!

blurry lines

What a slow and draining morning. I have never been so tired during a lecture and yet so intrigued and interested... I felt so bad because the general aura of the room was the same as mine. Everyone just seemed tired and the professor felt it and so when he asked questions, there would be so many awkward silences because people were generally trying hard to pay attention but everyone was so tired so we'd zone in and out and completely miss the question. But thankfully, he showed grace and even laughed it off lightly.

Anyway, came back from retreat yesterday and got to say, it was an experience. God was really moving and working in so many different ways during this retreat and for the first time I felt like I obtained a solid experience/encounter with Christ. A lot of prayer and again for the first time in a long time, I actually enjoyed the prayer times and really tried to dive into the moments of prayer. I think this is the start of a community-building moment for Symphony. We have a lot of untapped potential and I think it's about time that we start stirring the hearts of the people and really build a God-fearing, people-loving community. Eventually, it all boils down to a group of humbled servants. If we really want to build such community, the people must have a heart and a passion to serve one another. Furthermore, it can't just be about having the heart and the passion because things hat are brought up from human desires will always decay and fade but we must have a deep calling from God to do. Once we receive the calling, we not only use our own strength but we are provided the strength from Christ's love that has been poured out unto us. It is then, in which we obtain a burning passion to serve one another out of love. I really do hope that Symphony and all other churches can get to that point... I think it's really necessary here in Boston and it won't be obtained unless we are extremely conscious and aware of what is going on.

I think I grew a lot too over the course of the retreat. God put in me a desire and conviction to start up a new prayer life and to start up a life of diving into the Word. I need to be very active to keep up with it and so far it has been off to a good start. My desire is to become a powerful prayer warrior. I'm starting to feel that men really need to be backed up in prayer and need to be filled with wisdom/knowledge of the Word in order to 1) lead a better life, 2) co-lead with his wife in a truly God-centered manner, 3) raise his children to become God-fearing and prayer-filled young men and women, and 4) to be a leader figure in his community and church by reflecting a clear and accurate image of Christ through his actions and words. Men know their identity and they live by their identity without budging because (for the most part), we're stubborn. How much greater would it be if that identity was the identity given by Christ? That results in a man with a firm foundation in God that would not budge to any trials or tribulations that the world has to throw at him. I want to become that kind of man, and I think it's about time that I start to actively seek in becoming that sort of man. As I was thinking about this, I started to realize that I was watching too much anime because I started to compare my desire to become a spiritual warrior to Naruto training to become the greatest Hokage. He must endure through many trials and overcome difficult situations and fight the demons within him (the Nine-Tails) and learn to overcome hatred in order to gain a greater power. I know it sounds so dweeby, but there are so many Christian references in Naruto and it's all thanks to Junhee Jundo that I am consciously looking for those analogies. God can even use anime (which is created by one of the most broken nations in the world) to spread His message.

I've been keeping up real well with my Jesus time and I have to say that it is such a blessing. If you are reading this, then keep praying for me that I will be able to keep it up as well. I am probably praying for you as well because I usually just pray for people at random for whoever comes to mind.

I think recently a lot has been on my mind about worship and about my methods of leading worship and my intentions behind worship. Being on worship team so long, I guess I learned to just take things for what they are and since I was thrown into a leadership position so early on, I immediately just learned to make all the responsibilities of leadership into a checklist of do's and don'ts. I never really understood the weight of what worship really was. If you think about it, Worship is actually almost like preaching through music. It's a much bigger burden than I thought it was and I almost never really put an incredible amount of thought into it especially because I just didn't know the true weight of worship. My goal from here on out, is to make worship a truly intimate time for people. An opportunity for people to meet God through music... an outlet for people to just be covered in music and be filled with the Spirit and Love that God has to provide. I want to reach the hundreds... I want God's touch to be accessible to everyone and in order for that to happen, I need to be strong in my foundation with Christ. I need to put a great deal of prayer and thought into choosing the songs and making sure that they are songs that will bring people into a Spirit-filled time of worship. For me, worship was always my time, where I can meet God most effectively... by making music with my voice and my guitar, I felt like every note I played was a way for the Spirit to work in me and produce a prayer through music. I want everyone to feel the same joy and uplifting as they worship. I want people to experience the fullness of God as they worship. I want each of the songs they sing to be prayers in their hearts. God help me to be a worship leader that relies entirely on you to lead your people into the true heart of worship.

--
On a side note... I want to ramble more but I have never been so empty in thought. For once, I feel like I have so many of my thoughts put together... I feel like God's voice is getting clearer and clearer each day and so my anxieties and worries are slowly fading away... I hope this prayer thing keeps up. I need to start working out again... tomorrow is my work-out day. Time for me to go to the gym and really focus on building my body again so that I stay in shape! Got to be strong in mind, body and spirit. So I will study hard when I need to and play hard when I can, work out well so that I stay strong in the body and keep praying and reading the Word and worshiping so that I can build myself i the spirit.

There is one thing on my mind that I can't seem to shake but I can't help it. For privacy's sake I shall keep it a secret (har har har)... but right now, it is greatly distracting me in many ways and yet it has not caused any detrimental damage to the quality of my life. In fact I think it is motivating me to become stronger. I am growing slowly impatient yet God is more graciously placing more and more patience into my life. One of these days, this dilemma will  be solved and I will be free from this burden regardless of the solution. I can't wait for the day but for now, it's a great character-building opportunity. I am seriously so thankful that God has eased up by school life so that I can focus on other things in my life that require a lot of work. Some day I will be ready and able... I will get there, I promise.

This is all the start of something new... I can feel it. Can't wait to see what happens.

i don't want to tell you

It's weird how much things have changed since last semester. So much on my mind and I can't seem to get everything organized. There are too many things going on at once. I need some time to just get away and sit still. I need to sit in my room and just think for an extended period of time. God give me the time to just be away from all things. Allow me to just soak up all that is going on. I want these next few blogs to be interesting so I will try to do all I can to slowly sink my thoughts into my conscience. Once I clear things up, I will bring back this blog and hopefully it will be of more interest to my growing number of readers!

Goodbye for now! Wish me luck.

yeah

sometimes. life just isn't fair.

But we just keep walking right? No matter how big the obstacle or how crappy the situation, in the end we always end up somewhere other than the place we began; it's just a matter of whether you're gonna move backwards or forwards...

Moving forward seems like the most logical decision but emotionally, I feel like humans tend to desire backward movement. So I guess a reasonable solution is to do what seems to be the most inhuman. But I think of all the things you can do, the most dangerous thing to do is to dismiss what is going on and what is in front of your stake. It's like having a guy about to punch you in the face and as the fist is nearing your face, you dismiss the fact that there is something coming right at you. We can't deny the fact that something is happening now cause then it just comes to bite us in the ass later. We need to be intentional about taking full advantage of whatever cards we got. If you got a blowout hand, then go with a bang! Bluff till the end and losing knowing you gave it your all... but always remember you're not in control of what hand you were given.

I just took a survey for a friend and one of the questions was "How often do you feel like you cannot control the most important things in your life" and quite frankly, the answer that popped into my head was "never...."
I never feel like I'm in control of the important things in my life. No matter how much I try to model a system to get a desired output, x(t) will never become my desired y(t).... it might end up as g(t)... or f(t)... or h(t).... Life is like a control system... except people observe things in a completely simple-minded way. We have a hard time grasping complex concepts so we simplify and approximate the control system (life) to a single input, single output model and we try to fit all the things that happen in life into this little model and then get frustrated because things don't make sense. But I feel like life is a multi-input, multi-output system where the transfer function is just something that we could never comprehend and so we have NO idea how things came out the way they did. God works in weird and strange ways... and we just can't grasp it... but all control systems are under control.... and so the desired output will come out with certain degrees of error depending on how willing we are to submit to Him.

Late night babbles.

wait. what?

It's been a while since I've posted and I guess a lot has happened...

Classes are now fully underway and BOY was it a surprise. For the first time since the 5th grade, I was actually intellectually stimulated and motivated to an extremely high degree. Okay, rewind... so the classes I'm taking this semester are: Control Systems in BME, Biomedical Measurements II, Thermodynamics and Systems Bio-Diseases. Now, just looking at the names, an average person would probably be thinking: "the frick?" or "he must hate himself" and naturally I thought something along the same lines except I figured it would be somewhat interesting because I'm just weird like that. But to say the least, I was absolutely blown away. All my professors are extremely interesting and intellectual people with very unique and passionate ways of teaching, not to mention the fact that they're extremely funny. I haven't been so captivated by a lecture or by a teacher/professor in too long. For once, the professors understand what it's like to be a student and understand that we are seeing this material for the first time instead of assuming that we're all just a bunch of dumb kids. I guess the fact that the professors respect me, makes me want to respect them. As nerdy as it may seem, I actually look forward to all my lectures and can't wait to be thrown into a pool of new discoveries. But something that kinda shook me was the fact that we (people) know so little about the things happening in our world. In previous classes, when you learn the material you get the general feeling that there is so much stuff discovered already and that there is very little room for improvement... but it's actually the total opposite. I would say that about 60-70% of the material that I learned to take for granted is not even fact yet. I just sat through a 2 hour lecture about cancer and learned that we don't really know anything... we just make assumptions based off of trends but we don't have a clue as to why things happen or why those trends come about... SERIOUSLY?!.... For once in my life, I felt like I could possibly make an impact on this world... I felt like I was being taught things to pave the way for a new science, a new discovery, a new and better medical world. It's crazy how much work is needed to be done in all the fields and it's a shame that they don't emphasize that enough in the introductory classes. Just as my professor said, the modern learning system is to use a bottom-up approach and teach all the basics first and then apply the knowledge to your respective fields, but in this process, students lose sight of why they're even studying what they're studying which leads to more kids quitting or dropping the tough majors. Now that I'm on the "other side" I feel relieved that I fought through all those tough times... in the end, I get to take classes that actually keep me interested.

On another note, I think this semester will actually be a decent semester. Already within the first week, I've been seeing a lot of people and have so many opportunities to get myself out there. I think this may turn out to become a very interesting semester full of growth and change...

I can't fall asleep... I am so tired right now but I just can't get myself to fall asleep which lead me to write this post in the first place. I've been strangely falling asleep around 8-9PM and then waking up at random hours and not being able to fall asleep again. I don't like it one bit but what am I gonna do? I miss home but I am so happy to be back. Here's to a semester with lots of potential!

new computer

I just got a brand spanking-new computer and I won't lie, it is a beauty. It fully boots in approximately 60 seconds and is capable of so many cool features like: multi-touch screen, 3D graphics, and other pure awesome things. I'm undergoing the process of installing all the different applications that I need onto the computer and this is all slowly preparing me for a new semester...

Being in Boston a few days early makes me think a lot about different things... especially how last semester went. Frankly, I don't really remember much of last semester and I think it's partially a coping mechanism that my brain kicked into to deal with the awful experience. I've been stretched, challenged and have failed in so many different ways... but here I am at the end of it all. I seriously hope and pray that next semester will not be like the fall semester... I don't think I can deal with that much stress again. But I would be lying if I said that I wasn't excited for this upcoming semester. I have all my textbooks and I'm seriously ready to go! I can't wait to be doing cool little projects and learning cool new things that make me feel smarter than other people.

I would write a much more elaborate blog but right now, I'm just so out of it with all the tiredness and the fact that it's so freaking late. I will write more as the first day of school draws nearer... it's already too close...

moving moving

I am returning to Boston tomorrow. I don't really know what to make of it but I'm having a mix of emotions. I'm excited and bummed at the same time. It's probably because Boston is always associated with late nights or countless sleepless nights. 

On a side note, I can't believe I'm keeping up so well with this blogging idea. I thought I would stop very quickly because that's been the trend up until now. Does this mean that I'm finally starting to think about things in life instead of just passing by without a moment's thought? If this continues, I wonder what I'll end up like in the future. Will I be a well-thought man or will I just become a poser that tries to say things in a "hipster" way to attract the attention of many other mindless followers? 

It's surprising how many people actually visit this page. I was expecting no one to be looking at it but I guess it's encouraging  me to keep writing because people are regularly looking at my page. I wish I weren't so lazy. I wish I had more motivation to read books and gain some knowledge from books instead of sitting around watching movies or TV episodes all day. One of these days (very soon) I will grow a habit of reading as a pass-time instead of sitting around watching TV. Think about how much more knowledge you can gain from reading as a pass-time instead of doing other pointless things like checking my facebook, tumblr and g-mail 100 times a day. 

One day, I will become a learned man. Or.. I'll just become a man. I'm still a boy. a child. an infant. Lot's to work on. But to share a New Year's resolution that I decided to pick, I decided to start buying music and buying CDs instead of downloading music. When I was growing up, I heard the music my dad listened to and it was intriguing. I don't want my kids to come to me and ask for music and then I send them files. I want to give them a CD that I've held onto and cherished for many years just like how my dad used to give me the CDs from his enormous library. Music brings memories... there are some songs that your brain will associate with a certain period of your life. In the same way, I want my growing CD collection to be another holder of my memories. I love the nostalgic feeling that you get when you hear a song that you used to listen to when you were younger... the feeling of memories breathing in and out for just a split second.... and then a faint memory moves back and forth in your head and then slowly fades into an empty feeling of nostalgia... 

One Day.