We're often thrown into a pit of flames. Some hotter than others... and too often, we get burnt. Even the smallest of fires can burn us and hurt us a great deal. We need to understand and remember always that there is a God who will keep us from getting burnt. You might be getting burnt right now as you read this... Remember that there is nothing to fear in God. Look to Him for help and ask Him to be your shelter, your safe house. Just walk out with Him instead of staying around and wondering why you're getting more and more hurt. I feel like slowly, I'm starting to walk towards the furnace (out of free will). My laziness, lack of desire for anything and tiredness is constantly creeping up on me and I'm having a hard time getting back into the groove of things. I need to get back on track.
On a total tangent, I can't seem to fall asleep too well these days... I swear, whenever I come to school, eventually I enter into some mild form of insomnia where I am so tired but I just cannot fall asleep. It's the most annoying feeling in the world especially because I am the kind of person who keeps track of the number of hours of sleep I will be getting. I don't really read time... I read "hours of sleep". I want to be able to sleep normally again... I really miss winter break.
Another tangent. I've been getting into photography again. My goal is to learn how to use range finders (starting with my dad's Voigtlander). We'll see if I can even get my hands on the instruction manual... gotta learn how to use this thing and then off we go into a world of trial and error. Too bad I can't process my film here in Boston at CVS anymore... I need to look for a place that will process film for me.
I still have a lot of thoughts stuck around in my head and I really want to have more time to just sit and think about the things in my head... but I just can't find the time to do so. There's always a problem set or a lab report due and I feel so hindered. Especially lately, I've been knocking back and forth between BME and ministry again. I thought my opinions on ministry were completely dealt with and I thought I had decided not to go into (or even think about) ministry. Frankly, it's a hard life... and I don't really know if I'm up for all that pressure. I want to leisurely go about my Christian life with no pressure. I want to be able to live in Christ without feeling like I need to be watching everything I say or do. Besides, I want money... I want to be able to do things with my family and provide for my parents in the future... maybe even if I have enough money and can budget better, I can even help provide for my wife's family... that would be ideal. I don't really know what I want to do with my life anymore. I hate it because I feel so pressured and subconsciously I keep stressing out about the things that I need to do. I've just got so many different things on my mind and I don't know what is the devil and what is God and what is me. I've lost the ability to distinguish my own voice in my own head... there are too many voices and too many things going on up in my brain.
I just want to take a break again. I feel like I just want to be gone from the things of this world. So much freaking pressure on so many different things. It doesn't help that I like to think ahead... which makes me start to get random anxiety attacks... like right now. I can't fall asleep and it get's me annoyed and I just want to end up skipping all my classes because I am so tired. I hate being tired.
Pastor Barry spoke about relationships today. It was pretty interesting. Hm. Yeah. Interesting.
I just want to sleep forever. What a dream. Speaking of dreams, I had a dream last night and it was wild. So wild that I actually retold myself the dream and recorded my telling of the dream. Okay, tiredness slowly creeping in, I'm going to take advantage of this. Good night!
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