sleeping sleeping

As of late, I've been sleeping at awkward hours. Last night, as I was watching Dragonball Z, I fell asleep at around 9PM and woke up at 10PM to find myself utterly confused and extremely sore for some weird reason. Today, I fell asleep watching How I Met Your Mother at 6PM and woke up again at 7PM... why is my body so tired? I started my work out schedule again, but I'm off to a slow start.

I'm itching to write about something but I don't really know what... I guess something I've been thinking about is how nothing is really happening in my life these days. My life is extremely uneventful and nothing has been happening lately. It's weird to complain about this (seriously a first world problem) but really, you would expect more to happen while living in a first world. But my life is so quiet... I don't know if this is because I am ignoring the things going on in my life or because there really is nothing going on, but it really seems so quiet... too quiet if you ask me.

I decided for now, I'm going to try and occupy myself by taking up photography a little more seriously. Actually doing research and trying to learn the concepts behind taking pictures on a "serious hobbyist" level. I need more places to start and some guidance because even if I do readings, I don't know how to apply the things I learn. Such a bummer. Well, gotta keep pushing forward and try to learn as much as possible! Hopefully, I can actually take this hobby up seriously for once and really take a lot of pictures to explore.

So going back to me being bored and having too much free time, I wonder what to think of such a situation. Am I supposed to be happy about this? Am I supposed to be okay that nothing is going on in my life? I am slacking a little in my spiritual walk but I think it's not in a bad place... I am constantly trying to challenge myself and keep growing... I just gotta keep at it. So, aside from my spiritual side needing a bit of a booster in morale, what the heck do I do? Where do I walk at this point my life? What am I supposed to be doing with my life? Am I supposed to be looking for internships and summer research positions? Or am I supposed to sit and wait patiently? Time is passing and fleeing.. I have no idea what to do... I'm a lost child in a sea of time (I should make that a song lyric). But for real, I am so lost in time.... and I feel like I'm just floating away.

Someone save me from this. I don't like this feeling. I want a feeling of desperation and need. I want to feel like I have something more to live for.

P.S. I've been really confused as to what I want to do in life.. especially since the time is drawing nearer... it's harder to determine whether or not I want to go into entrepreneurship or research... I feel like I would be more tailored for entrepreneurship... but we'll see what happens. People pray for me please. I need some serious Jesus-Guidance right now.

i need words

I need words as wide as the sky
I need a language large as
This longing inside

And I need a voice
Bigger than mine
And I need a song to sing You
That I've yet to find

I need You,
Oh, I need You
I need You,
Oh, I need You

To be here now
To be here now
To hear me now
To hear me now


It's crazy how so few words can really captivate the words in my heart. Oh David Crowder. You amaze me with your ability to put prayers of the heart into words of the mouth. I think that is a true display of wisdom in itself.

God, I need you. I need you more than even I know. I don't even know the severity of my sins and the things I have done in my life and the things I will do/am doing. Break my heart for what breaks yours God. Teach me God. Teach me so that I may know the truth behind my actions. Reveal myself to me. Help me to see who I am and learn more about who I am so that I may better use all that I am to serve you in a way that is pleasing to you and uplifting to your community. I am so lacking and so failing in so many ways and I can only see a glimpse of my faults. Please, help me God. Help me to see the truth behind my complacency.

I want to live to love. I want to live to be great.

I Want to LIVE. 

i am a delta function

I am a delta function. A delta function is basically an impulse function of magnitude infinity and width of near zero. It basically looks like an infinitely tall line at a single point. So why am I a delta function?

Well, as a human being, emotions run deep... or just run... in my life. I can't say that I am an extremely emotional person but they are present and do affect the decisions I make in life. It almost seems to me like emotions and logic (or scientific rationality) are antonyms. Emotions and scientific rationality oppose each other which often results in confusion when put together. So, as we try and make decisions or try to think about certain things, we mix those two together and then call it "logical". But if things really were logical, we wouldn't be so confused all the time. I don't think something can be logical when emotions are involved; instead, a purely emotion-less decision or thought can be considered a logical thought (or a scientifically rational thought). With that being said, because we are all human, pure scientific rationality is not obtainable (I don't think)... because our emotions affect everything. But the strange thing about our emotions (which brings me closer to my original statement) is that it is very spontaneous. More often than not, emotions occur spontaneously or suddenly and often catch us off guard because we expect our thoughts and decisions to be logical. So, our emotions turn us into delta functions. A sudden (infinite) peak of thought and questioning that completely changes the function of our lives. We live a relatively constant life (f(x)=0) and then BAM! a peak shoots up and our function goes haywire turning us into delta functions.

And so, I am a delta function. I would say I am an impulse function but that is not true because an impulse function remains at the new value until a certain time period. But, the way I think typically is like that of a delta function. I usually get a sudden shot of emotions and then it all drops and I return to normal. There are times when I will remain at that emotional level for some time but I more often just shoot right back down. An instantaneous rise and fall of emotions which is why I get confused and moody. Strange.

On a side note, I noticed that the success of many consumer products... is user-friendliness. Majority of the success of a product is in its user-friendliness. So how does this apply to my life? I am a product. I am a product of God's Creation Factory and the success of my being sold all depends on my user-friendliness. Will consumers have a hard time using me or working with me? Am I more of a hassle than a benefit to the quality of people's lives? God does not create junk. So that means I have the potential to be a very user-friendly product, but I was given free will. I am a product that can basically choose my success. How willing am I to be shaped by God so that people can find me to be someone that increases the quality of their lives? So really, the choice is mine. But all of this doesn't mean anything if I don't see "user-friendliness" as a priority in my life. So... the real question is: Is it?

jack daniels

Reading other people's blogs makes me want to write a post, despite the fact that I don't have anything to write about. Maybe something will come out of all this rambling.

So I started a work-out schedule. Well, it's more like a competition... for 4 weeks, Wonshick and I will work out everyday and then see who can get bigger. I feel like everyone thinks that I can get bigger which makes me feel overconfident and thus makes me compensate how hard I'm going to work out. I don't really feel like I'm working out all too much but I have been going to the gym every single day. Working out really makes you tired.

It's funny how working out different parts of your body can really change the way you feel about your appearances. When you work out things like back, legs, shoulders... then it's really hard to feel continuously motivated because you don't really see the results as quickly. But when you work out biceps, triceps, chest,  or abs, then you can walk out of the gym feeling like a total boss because your arms or chest will bloat like crazy which makes you look at least 2 times your natural size. Serious ego booster.

On a totally, random note...
Isn't it strange how time moves at different speeds? If it's 11AM or 3PM, the day feels like it's never going to end... but as soon as it starts to hit 7PM or 8PM... then time literally flies and the next thing you know, it's 10PM or 2PM... and it's way past your bedtime. I hate that. I hate feeling like I'm in some sort of rush later in my day. I wish the days would get slower as you go through. But class was interesting today. We had a review session for our exam next week (Prof. wasn't there because he is on some seminar trip)... and so the TFs were trying to review the material for us but they kept making mistakes and kept doing things in really weird roundabout ways... and so half the time, we were correcting their mistakes. It was actually kind of annoying seeing how annoying slow and stupid their way of analyzing the circuit was. By the time they wrote half of the equations, all the kids were done with the problem.

I'm getting really tired and actually getting really sleepy. I just woke up to a bunch of "B's" on my screen because I fell asleep while typing this blog. Damn. I want to go to bed, but I don't want to because I didn't do anything at all today. First world problems....

--
Edit: I've come to realize that every time I decide whether or not to stay out or go home, I feel so torn. Home is so comfortable. I have my computer there, my guitar, my movies, TV shows, etc. etc. But then again, home is where I have nothing to do and am usually by myself. Home is where my thoughts get me carried away and I end up sitting around all day and thinking about random things. And then my thoughts just wonder and I lose track of what reality is and then I start twisting reality. I start thinking that I thought about something for such an extended period of time which makes me tired of thinking about it. It's crazy how thinking 100% about a single thing over a short period of time can feel like thinking about the same thing with only 10% concentration over a week. Interesting.

Scared to Be Alone

If the world should end tomorrow
And no one's by my side
My greatest fear and sorrow
Is to be alone tonight

The sky may fall
The earth could shake
And the seas could turn to stone
The sun may scorch me
Still I'll be brave
But I'm scared to be alone

Don't feel sorry for me
I'll be stronger than I look
Though it's real, the pain I feel
What if I keep holding on?
Someone hold me 'till I'm gone

If I sleep and never wake
If my body turns to bone
Death can rear his ugly face
I'm just scared to be alone

I am tired of this fight
But Heaven's holding me tonight
God, our refuge; God of might
Be near, be near, oh God be near

Lovers leave and friends forsake
But there's one thing that I know
My heart will heal and my heart will break
But I'll never be alone

Let me never forget that with You, I am never alone. 

time

God, be the ruler of time in my life.

coffee communion

I hate it when you have nothing to write about (I guess that statement is a paradox in itself).

There is a lot to be excited about this semester. But I get the feeling that it is going to feel like an extremely slow semester. A lot of stuff has been happening over the past few days and a lot of things are being said. Definitely time for God to be working in my life. And by working, I mean building character, stretching me, changing me, shaping me into someone more like Him. I've got mixed feelings about this. I'm excited to become the end product of a success story, and yet I am reluctant to get into a time of challenges. Basically, I'm scared.

On the surface, I guess a lot of people can look at me and think... "He's not bad. He's not crazy... I guess", maybe even "He's pretty cool" or "He's so AWESOME" (hahahaha) But a lot of it is an act and I am being reminded a lot recently that someday the mask must come off and that time is now. I've been delaying this for so long but it's about time that I start dealing with my inner demons. The things I've gotten so good at hiding at a surface level. The things that only the people that are really close to me know. I am scared to see again the things that I tried to push away in my character for so long. The reason why I pushed them away for so long was because I was disgusted by them and I didn't want to be associated with such characteristics. To name a few, 1) I have a big mouth and I just run it without thought many times, 2) I have a hard time listening, 3) I always need to defend my point (there's always a "But..."), 4) I grow impatient with things that I don't want to hear, and the list goes on. When I look at the list of things wrong with me, I can't help but get overwhelmed. At first, it's anger or frustration (Why do I have to have these qualities?) and then it becomes determination to change (I can fix these), and then after enduring through failure, it becomes apathy out of hopelessness (What's the point, this is who I am and I can't help but be this way, I am just lucky to have people who can deal with me). And this has been the progression of thought for all these years... inadequacy would probably sum up my life in one word. I always saw my life as being full of deficit. I never really saw my life as being opportunistic or full of abundance (except when I was in junior high). And so over the years, I've grown to think this way. From the criticism of family members especially, I've succumbed to beating myself to a pulp on the inside because I never thought I was adequate in their eyes. Not to belittle my family, but I just know for sure, I will not raise my kids with so much negativity. BUT, I think my parents are great! They are truly people who only live to have me flourish and benefit and reap the fruits of their labor. So I think to deal with my lack of confidence in myself (in my late teens), I would overcompensate and begin to exaggerate everything. I would act up to hide my feelings or keep talking so that I don't have to listen to things anymore and I became so defensive of myself because I have developed a front. It's all a coping mechanism and slowly, my walls are being broken down and I don't like it. I guess deep inside, I still have a lot of bitterness towards my sister for being so tough on me (even though I know it was out of love). There was just not a lot of patience in the relationship between me and my sister and I think that is not just her fault, but also mine. I was too impatient to see the love behind my sister's words and my sister was just too impatient to deal with me in a calm manner (but then again, what teenage kid is patient enough to deal with a bratty younger sibling? Can't blame her).

Anyways, all these things are starting to come back up and I'm realizing that all these things are hindering my ability to understand the truth behind my relationship with God and I view God as someone who is there to point out my flaws. "Fix it" is something I would expect to hear from Him a lot; however, I do associate God with love because, there was love behind what my family had to say to me and the way they raised me was all out of love. So it's a very confusing and contradictory viewpoint of God. He is someone who loves me yet He is the person who will point out my flaws and expect me to fix it or else...

Slowly, this "wrong" perspective must be broken and it is in the process of being broken. This is something that should have been dealt with a long time ago and yet I've pushed it aside until now. I put "wrong" in quotes because right now, I don't really see it as wrong, I just see it as a different perspective. But I am hoping that God will shape my thoughts and my heart to see and understand that this mindset is wrong. It is wrong because God is not some regulator. We are not expected to be perfect. We are not expected to be able to do these things on our own. We were meant to cling to Him and keep struggling with the issues of our lives. But once again, it is easier said than done.

Mellany: "You were given many gifts. Don't wish you didn't have them, just refine them."

We need to refine the gifts we were given. They may not seem like gifts, but once we refine them, we can see the beauty in them which leads us to realizing the beauty within ourselves as being creations of the one true God. Learn to love yourself and the things God has given you. Don't let the world twist the good that God has created into something that seems inadequate. Because in God's eyes, You are Great.

I want my coffee communion.

it's always hot in my room

""Then the high officers, officials, governors, and advisers crowded around them and saw that the fire had not touched them. Not a hair on their heads was singed, and their clothing was not scorched. They didn't even smell of smoke!" (Daniel 3:27)

We're often thrown into a pit of flames. Some hotter than others... and too often, we get burnt. Even the smallest of fires can burn us and hurt us a great deal. We need to understand and remember always that there is a God who will keep us from getting burnt. You might be getting burnt right now as you read this... Remember that there is nothing to fear in God. Look to Him for help and ask Him to be your shelter, your safe house. Just walk out with Him instead of staying around and wondering why you're getting more and more hurt. I feel like slowly, I'm starting to walk towards the furnace (out of free will). My laziness, lack of desire for anything and tiredness is constantly creeping up on me and I'm having a hard time getting back into the groove of things. I need to get back on track. 

On a total tangent, I can't seem to fall asleep too well these days... I swear, whenever I come to school, eventually I enter into some mild form of insomnia where I am so tired but I just cannot fall asleep. It's the most annoying feeling in the world especially because I am the kind of person who keeps track of the number of hours of sleep I will be getting. I don't really read time... I read "hours of sleep". I want to be able to sleep normally again... I really miss winter break. 

Another tangent. I've been getting into photography again. My goal is to learn how to use range finders (starting with my dad's Voigtlander). We'll see if I can even get my hands on the instruction manual... gotta learn how to use this thing and then off we go into a world of trial and error. Too bad I can't process my film here in Boston at CVS anymore... I need to look for a place that will process film for me. 

I still have a lot of thoughts stuck around in my head and I really want to have more time to just sit and think about the things in my head... but I just can't find the time to do so. There's always a problem set or a lab report due and I feel so hindered. Especially lately, I've been knocking back and forth between BME and ministry again. I thought my opinions on ministry were completely dealt with and I thought I had decided not to go into (or even think about) ministry. Frankly, it's a hard life... and I don't really know if I'm up for all that pressure. I want to leisurely go about my Christian life with no pressure. I want to be able to live in Christ without feeling like I need to be watching everything I say or do. Besides, I want money... I want to be able to do things with my family and provide for my parents in the future... maybe even if I have enough money and can budget better, I can even help provide for my wife's family... that would be ideal. I don't really know what I want to do with my life anymore. I hate it because I feel so pressured and subconsciously I keep stressing out about the things that I need to do. I've just got so many different things on my mind and I don't know what is the devil and what is God and what is me. I've lost the ability to distinguish my own voice in my own head... there are too many voices and too many things going on up in my brain. 

I just want to take a break again. I feel like I just want to be gone from the things of this world. So much freaking pressure on so many different things. It doesn't help that I like to think ahead... which makes me start to get random anxiety attacks... like right now. I can't fall asleep and it get's me annoyed and I just want to end up skipping all my classes because I am so tired. I hate being tired. 

Pastor Barry spoke about relationships today. It was pretty interesting. Hm. Yeah. Interesting. 

I just want to sleep forever. What a dream. Speaking of dreams, I had a dream last night and it was wild. So wild that I actually retold myself the dream and recorded my telling of the dream. Okay, tiredness slowly creeping in, I'm going to take advantage of this. Good night!