blurry lines

What a slow and draining morning. I have never been so tired during a lecture and yet so intrigued and interested... I felt so bad because the general aura of the room was the same as mine. Everyone just seemed tired and the professor felt it and so when he asked questions, there would be so many awkward silences because people were generally trying hard to pay attention but everyone was so tired so we'd zone in and out and completely miss the question. But thankfully, he showed grace and even laughed it off lightly.

Anyway, came back from retreat yesterday and got to say, it was an experience. God was really moving and working in so many different ways during this retreat and for the first time I felt like I obtained a solid experience/encounter with Christ. A lot of prayer and again for the first time in a long time, I actually enjoyed the prayer times and really tried to dive into the moments of prayer. I think this is the start of a community-building moment for Symphony. We have a lot of untapped potential and I think it's about time that we start stirring the hearts of the people and really build a God-fearing, people-loving community. Eventually, it all boils down to a group of humbled servants. If we really want to build such community, the people must have a heart and a passion to serve one another. Furthermore, it can't just be about having the heart and the passion because things hat are brought up from human desires will always decay and fade but we must have a deep calling from God to do. Once we receive the calling, we not only use our own strength but we are provided the strength from Christ's love that has been poured out unto us. It is then, in which we obtain a burning passion to serve one another out of love. I really do hope that Symphony and all other churches can get to that point... I think it's really necessary here in Boston and it won't be obtained unless we are extremely conscious and aware of what is going on.

I think I grew a lot too over the course of the retreat. God put in me a desire and conviction to start up a new prayer life and to start up a life of diving into the Word. I need to be very active to keep up with it and so far it has been off to a good start. My desire is to become a powerful prayer warrior. I'm starting to feel that men really need to be backed up in prayer and need to be filled with wisdom/knowledge of the Word in order to 1) lead a better life, 2) co-lead with his wife in a truly God-centered manner, 3) raise his children to become God-fearing and prayer-filled young men and women, and 4) to be a leader figure in his community and church by reflecting a clear and accurate image of Christ through his actions and words. Men know their identity and they live by their identity without budging because (for the most part), we're stubborn. How much greater would it be if that identity was the identity given by Christ? That results in a man with a firm foundation in God that would not budge to any trials or tribulations that the world has to throw at him. I want to become that kind of man, and I think it's about time that I start to actively seek in becoming that sort of man. As I was thinking about this, I started to realize that I was watching too much anime because I started to compare my desire to become a spiritual warrior to Naruto training to become the greatest Hokage. He must endure through many trials and overcome difficult situations and fight the demons within him (the Nine-Tails) and learn to overcome hatred in order to gain a greater power. I know it sounds so dweeby, but there are so many Christian references in Naruto and it's all thanks to Junhee Jundo that I am consciously looking for those analogies. God can even use anime (which is created by one of the most broken nations in the world) to spread His message.

I've been keeping up real well with my Jesus time and I have to say that it is such a blessing. If you are reading this, then keep praying for me that I will be able to keep it up as well. I am probably praying for you as well because I usually just pray for people at random for whoever comes to mind.

I think recently a lot has been on my mind about worship and about my methods of leading worship and my intentions behind worship. Being on worship team so long, I guess I learned to just take things for what they are and since I was thrown into a leadership position so early on, I immediately just learned to make all the responsibilities of leadership into a checklist of do's and don'ts. I never really understood the weight of what worship really was. If you think about it, Worship is actually almost like preaching through music. It's a much bigger burden than I thought it was and I almost never really put an incredible amount of thought into it especially because I just didn't know the true weight of worship. My goal from here on out, is to make worship a truly intimate time for people. An opportunity for people to meet God through music... an outlet for people to just be covered in music and be filled with the Spirit and Love that God has to provide. I want to reach the hundreds... I want God's touch to be accessible to everyone and in order for that to happen, I need to be strong in my foundation with Christ. I need to put a great deal of prayer and thought into choosing the songs and making sure that they are songs that will bring people into a Spirit-filled time of worship. For me, worship was always my time, where I can meet God most effectively... by making music with my voice and my guitar, I felt like every note I played was a way for the Spirit to work in me and produce a prayer through music. I want everyone to feel the same joy and uplifting as they worship. I want people to experience the fullness of God as they worship. I want each of the songs they sing to be prayers in their hearts. God help me to be a worship leader that relies entirely on you to lead your people into the true heart of worship.

--
On a side note... I want to ramble more but I have never been so empty in thought. For once, I feel like I have so many of my thoughts put together... I feel like God's voice is getting clearer and clearer each day and so my anxieties and worries are slowly fading away... I hope this prayer thing keeps up. I need to start working out again... tomorrow is my work-out day. Time for me to go to the gym and really focus on building my body again so that I stay in shape! Got to be strong in mind, body and spirit. So I will study hard when I need to and play hard when I can, work out well so that I stay strong in the body and keep praying and reading the Word and worshiping so that I can build myself i the spirit.

There is one thing on my mind that I can't seem to shake but I can't help it. For privacy's sake I shall keep it a secret (har har har)... but right now, it is greatly distracting me in many ways and yet it has not caused any detrimental damage to the quality of my life. In fact I think it is motivating me to become stronger. I am growing slowly impatient yet God is more graciously placing more and more patience into my life. One of these days, this dilemma will  be solved and I will be free from this burden regardless of the solution. I can't wait for the day but for now, it's a great character-building opportunity. I am seriously so thankful that God has eased up by school life so that I can focus on other things in my life that require a lot of work. Some day I will be ready and able... I will get there, I promise.

This is all the start of something new... I can feel it. Can't wait to see what happens.

i don't want to tell you

It's weird how much things have changed since last semester. So much on my mind and I can't seem to get everything organized. There are too many things going on at once. I need some time to just get away and sit still. I need to sit in my room and just think for an extended period of time. God give me the time to just be away from all things. Allow me to just soak up all that is going on. I want these next few blogs to be interesting so I will try to do all I can to slowly sink my thoughts into my conscience. Once I clear things up, I will bring back this blog and hopefully it will be of more interest to my growing number of readers!

Goodbye for now! Wish me luck.

yeah

sometimes. life just isn't fair.

But we just keep walking right? No matter how big the obstacle or how crappy the situation, in the end we always end up somewhere other than the place we began; it's just a matter of whether you're gonna move backwards or forwards...

Moving forward seems like the most logical decision but emotionally, I feel like humans tend to desire backward movement. So I guess a reasonable solution is to do what seems to be the most inhuman. But I think of all the things you can do, the most dangerous thing to do is to dismiss what is going on and what is in front of your stake. It's like having a guy about to punch you in the face and as the fist is nearing your face, you dismiss the fact that there is something coming right at you. We can't deny the fact that something is happening now cause then it just comes to bite us in the ass later. We need to be intentional about taking full advantage of whatever cards we got. If you got a blowout hand, then go with a bang! Bluff till the end and losing knowing you gave it your all... but always remember you're not in control of what hand you were given.

I just took a survey for a friend and one of the questions was "How often do you feel like you cannot control the most important things in your life" and quite frankly, the answer that popped into my head was "never...."
I never feel like I'm in control of the important things in my life. No matter how much I try to model a system to get a desired output, x(t) will never become my desired y(t).... it might end up as g(t)... or f(t)... or h(t).... Life is like a control system... except people observe things in a completely simple-minded way. We have a hard time grasping complex concepts so we simplify and approximate the control system (life) to a single input, single output model and we try to fit all the things that happen in life into this little model and then get frustrated because things don't make sense. But I feel like life is a multi-input, multi-output system where the transfer function is just something that we could never comprehend and so we have NO idea how things came out the way they did. God works in weird and strange ways... and we just can't grasp it... but all control systems are under control.... and so the desired output will come out with certain degrees of error depending on how willing we are to submit to Him.

Late night babbles.

wait. what?

It's been a while since I've posted and I guess a lot has happened...

Classes are now fully underway and BOY was it a surprise. For the first time since the 5th grade, I was actually intellectually stimulated and motivated to an extremely high degree. Okay, rewind... so the classes I'm taking this semester are: Control Systems in BME, Biomedical Measurements II, Thermodynamics and Systems Bio-Diseases. Now, just looking at the names, an average person would probably be thinking: "the frick?" or "he must hate himself" and naturally I thought something along the same lines except I figured it would be somewhat interesting because I'm just weird like that. But to say the least, I was absolutely blown away. All my professors are extremely interesting and intellectual people with very unique and passionate ways of teaching, not to mention the fact that they're extremely funny. I haven't been so captivated by a lecture or by a teacher/professor in too long. For once, the professors understand what it's like to be a student and understand that we are seeing this material for the first time instead of assuming that we're all just a bunch of dumb kids. I guess the fact that the professors respect me, makes me want to respect them. As nerdy as it may seem, I actually look forward to all my lectures and can't wait to be thrown into a pool of new discoveries. But something that kinda shook me was the fact that we (people) know so little about the things happening in our world. In previous classes, when you learn the material you get the general feeling that there is so much stuff discovered already and that there is very little room for improvement... but it's actually the total opposite. I would say that about 60-70% of the material that I learned to take for granted is not even fact yet. I just sat through a 2 hour lecture about cancer and learned that we don't really know anything... we just make assumptions based off of trends but we don't have a clue as to why things happen or why those trends come about... SERIOUSLY?!.... For once in my life, I felt like I could possibly make an impact on this world... I felt like I was being taught things to pave the way for a new science, a new discovery, a new and better medical world. It's crazy how much work is needed to be done in all the fields and it's a shame that they don't emphasize that enough in the introductory classes. Just as my professor said, the modern learning system is to use a bottom-up approach and teach all the basics first and then apply the knowledge to your respective fields, but in this process, students lose sight of why they're even studying what they're studying which leads to more kids quitting or dropping the tough majors. Now that I'm on the "other side" I feel relieved that I fought through all those tough times... in the end, I get to take classes that actually keep me interested.

On another note, I think this semester will actually be a decent semester. Already within the first week, I've been seeing a lot of people and have so many opportunities to get myself out there. I think this may turn out to become a very interesting semester full of growth and change...

I can't fall asleep... I am so tired right now but I just can't get myself to fall asleep which lead me to write this post in the first place. I've been strangely falling asleep around 8-9PM and then waking up at random hours and not being able to fall asleep again. I don't like it one bit but what am I gonna do? I miss home but I am so happy to be back. Here's to a semester with lots of potential!

new computer

I just got a brand spanking-new computer and I won't lie, it is a beauty. It fully boots in approximately 60 seconds and is capable of so many cool features like: multi-touch screen, 3D graphics, and other pure awesome things. I'm undergoing the process of installing all the different applications that I need onto the computer and this is all slowly preparing me for a new semester...

Being in Boston a few days early makes me think a lot about different things... especially how last semester went. Frankly, I don't really remember much of last semester and I think it's partially a coping mechanism that my brain kicked into to deal with the awful experience. I've been stretched, challenged and have failed in so many different ways... but here I am at the end of it all. I seriously hope and pray that next semester will not be like the fall semester... I don't think I can deal with that much stress again. But I would be lying if I said that I wasn't excited for this upcoming semester. I have all my textbooks and I'm seriously ready to go! I can't wait to be doing cool little projects and learning cool new things that make me feel smarter than other people.

I would write a much more elaborate blog but right now, I'm just so out of it with all the tiredness and the fact that it's so freaking late. I will write more as the first day of school draws nearer... it's already too close...

moving moving

I am returning to Boston tomorrow. I don't really know what to make of it but I'm having a mix of emotions. I'm excited and bummed at the same time. It's probably because Boston is always associated with late nights or countless sleepless nights. 

On a side note, I can't believe I'm keeping up so well with this blogging idea. I thought I would stop very quickly because that's been the trend up until now. Does this mean that I'm finally starting to think about things in life instead of just passing by without a moment's thought? If this continues, I wonder what I'll end up like in the future. Will I be a well-thought man or will I just become a poser that tries to say things in a "hipster" way to attract the attention of many other mindless followers? 

It's surprising how many people actually visit this page. I was expecting no one to be looking at it but I guess it's encouraging  me to keep writing because people are regularly looking at my page. I wish I weren't so lazy. I wish I had more motivation to read books and gain some knowledge from books instead of sitting around watching movies or TV episodes all day. One of these days (very soon) I will grow a habit of reading as a pass-time instead of sitting around watching TV. Think about how much more knowledge you can gain from reading as a pass-time instead of doing other pointless things like checking my facebook, tumblr and g-mail 100 times a day. 

One day, I will become a learned man. Or.. I'll just become a man. I'm still a boy. a child. an infant. Lot's to work on. But to share a New Year's resolution that I decided to pick, I decided to start buying music and buying CDs instead of downloading music. When I was growing up, I heard the music my dad listened to and it was intriguing. I don't want my kids to come to me and ask for music and then I send them files. I want to give them a CD that I've held onto and cherished for many years just like how my dad used to give me the CDs from his enormous library. Music brings memories... there are some songs that your brain will associate with a certain period of your life. In the same way, I want my growing CD collection to be another holder of my memories. I love the nostalgic feeling that you get when you hear a song that you used to listen to when you were younger... the feeling of memories breathing in and out for just a split second.... and then a faint memory moves back and forth in your head and then slowly fades into an empty feeling of nostalgia... 

One Day. 

what's worthwhile?

Today was a rather productive and interesting day (today meaning: Jan. 10th). I went out to the city to meet Bang at some hipster cafe (Le Pain Quotidien) and had a nice talk with her. It's crazy how enlightening it is to talk to people who really have thought through the same things as you in life. I'm usually a "learn it through experience" kind of guy but whenever I talk to Bang, she always teaches me new things and makes me think in a totally different light. If you ever read this Bang, I know I never listen and argue back to almost everything you say (like a typical younger brother), I am actually listening and absorbing almost everything you tell me...

I think one of the things that stuck out the most with what we talked about was whether or not the gospel seemed worthwhile in my life. She made a point that we don't necessarily disbelieve or doubt that God exists but more often, we just consider other things in our lives more worthwhile investing time into than our personal relationship with God. I've been struggling with the idea that if I really wanted a personal relationship with God, then wouldn't I pursue Him with all my heart just as I would pursue a girl that I like? And thus, if I do not pursue Him with all my heart, then it can be concluded that I do not desire a personal relationship with Him. But Bang pointed out that maybe I just don't seem Him to be the most worthwhile in my life... which brings you to the roots: Do I really understand the gospel? If I understood the gospel, then I would actually feel, in my heart, a guiltless desire to get to know the savior of my very life and soul. So that brings me to the question again: Do I really understand the gospel? What are the deepest roots of understanding behind the gospel?

Also met with June and Kara for dinner and then had coffee and desert with June. There was a lot of topics discussed but the most pressing issue was how the guys at BU seem to be "falling apart" from each other. I don't know if it's just me but I feel like we're all just getting further and further apart in our relationships with each other and none of us are willing to do anything about it. A part of me is so okay with what's going on... but at the same time I feel like the right thing to do is to hold onto these friendships. The main point that both Bang and June pushed to me was that the only thing that remains after college is the friendships that you build and establish over the years with people and the few people that you remain close with after college. It's those relationships that really matter in the end and it's not about the little petty things... but about those very friendships that held you together in college... but so far, I've had very little of that and a lot of alone time. Especially this year, I just feel like I've been growing on my own or "falling" on my own I guess. I've been growing to become more able to live independently from friends and I won't lie, my relationship with my family is improving quite a bit. I've come to realize that more so than having those amazing friends, what I seek and desire the most is a loving family where I can share the memories of the rest of my life. I want a wife and kids whom I can absolutely love and spoil to the highest degree. I want to struggle through marriage with my future wife, I want to raise my kids to become legendary thinkers and dreamers. I want to leave behind a legacy of love and care behind in my wife and kids. From the way I've been watching my dad live his life, it seems like he barely spends time with his friends (he doesn't even have too many of them here in the U.S.) and most of his time is spent trying to raise us as kids and trying to take care of us as best as he can without smothering the crap out of us. I want that. I just basically want to grow up without the "growing up" part.

itching

I'm itching to go back to Boston. The tempo of Boston is just right for me. I love the feel of the city, the feel of BU, the crisp winter air, the lonely yet soothing atmosphere of Boston. It all mixes into this pot of memories that I can't really pinpoint but I know are there. There's always a feeling of nostalgia when I'm outside of Boston. I can't wait to go back to my room and clean it up. I feel like cleaning up is not so much a physical thing but more of a mental thing to me. When my room is messy, then typically my mind is very messy. That's why I like to clean, so that I can clear my mind of clutter and stress. It helps me sleep at night and helps me to just sit in the living room and watch the Boston skyline with a sense of peace in mind. I can't wait to just sit there, relax and enjoy the moments that I know are too fleeting. I can't say that I'm exactly dying to study but I do want to study and I can't wait till I can get it done. I love the feeling of cracking open a textbook and sitting there for hours trying to absorb the knowledge. I feel like I'm getting places whenever I do so. I feel like my brain is working, it's turning, its trying to get places. I can't help but love being challenged. It's stressful as hell because I really do get stressed out but at the same time, it's almost like the stress is my adrenaline. It flows in me and pushes me and drives me to push past my own limits. It's like a love-hate relationship.

Speaking of relationships. I feel like relationships have been on my mind a lot recently. Being at home has definitely opened up a lot of time for me to relax and get a lot of rest. At the same time, it's given me a whole lot of time to start thinking about relationships again and where I am in my own life. I would be lying if I said that all this thinking was something I enjoyed. Once I start thinking about things, I get too lost in my own thoughts and then I start making up alternate realities where things happen a certain way and I try to play out the endings in almost every scenario that my brain can think up. This does not lead to enlightenment... it just leads to loneliness and slight depression. I end up beating myself up for all my flaws and how little progress I've made so far in my character and then I start to reminisce about past relationships and honestly... all I can ever remember are the mistakes that I've made which is a shame because there were so many good moments along with the bad. Lately, my dad has been raiding me with questions about girls. Previously, the only moments we had conversation was concerning my academic life. But it seems that he's gotten relatively satisfied with my desire to study and so he moved onto other things. Maybe it's also because he thinks it's about time that I get a girlfriend... especially in college. But regardless, I am having seriously difficult times trying to get myself into a relationship. On one aspect, I just don't think that I have the time... I just consume my thoughts with academics that I get scared when I start to bring in other things so when I start thinking about relationships I immediately assume that I have no time because I won't have time to manage the relationship on my part. It will be a shameful relationship... I need a girl that won't mind it when I just tell her that I need to leave to study or that I need to talk to her later. I cannot stand clingy girls because I always need my own space. But at the same time I want to be able to give my girlfriend all the attention she wants and I want to spoil the crap out of her. It's a constant dilemma.

Also, I just don't find myself to be mature enough to handle a relationship. But then again, when will I ever find myself to be worth dating? Will I ever see myself as a likely candidate for girls? I'm not really the one that judges that (obviously) because it's the girl that decides whether or not I'm "acceptable". But at the same time, I can't help but think... "Why would I offer something that is not worth the investment? Why serve a customer meat that isn't cooked? Why give someone a half-written book?"

I don't know... honestly, I just want to causally date girls and have no hard feelings. The classic way. I feel like relationships these days are over-romanticized and girls are less and less willing to jump into the dating feel because they're scared that it's going to get serious. To top it off, the whole attitude behind "Christian Dating" really ticks me off. I understand the concept of it but it's just not realistic. People take things over-the-top. Everything is "over-the-top"! So the whole "Christian Dating" concept gets blown way out of proportion and people forget that we're not dating God! we're dating people! We get so obsessed with trying to keep each other holy and trying to manage each other's faith that we get lost in the relationship and lose sight of why we're in the relationship in the first place. You're gonna screw up anyway, might as well go about the relationship in a human way instead of trying to play God. If you want a "Christian Relationship" just don't go over each other's places and spend time alone together with the door closed... it's going to lead to something eventually. Keep your distance and respect each other's bodies. That's as simple as it is. The reason why churches are so adamant about "Christian Dating" is so that sex does not happen. Sex is one of the biggest taboos in any christian relationship... but it doesn't have to happen. People just act stupid and keep trying to maintain a Christian relationship while putting themselves in bad situations. If you want a Christian relationship, then avoid situations where sex will happen, otherwise, just indulge. People need to stop being wishy-washy. If you want a Christian relationship, do it; otherwise just go have fun and indulge in whatever you want... stop floating around in the middle trying to get a little bit of both. You won't get both, you'll just get the sex part so just go have sex and realize that it's not what you wanted and move on with your life. It frustrates me when people in relationships start obsessing over faith and start reading the Bible more when they're in a relationship or pray more when they're in a relationship. It's stupidity! I love the effort but why don't you do it when you're not in a relationship? Why not grow with God and solidify your faith when you're single and enter into a relationship to grow and solidify a relationship with the girl. Don't enter into a relationship to solidify your relationship with God or to "take it to the next level" with God.... You can (and should) do that when you're single. Love the girl when you're in a relationship and maintain your own faith that you solidified while you were single!

This started off as random thoughts but ended up becoming a rant... Just some food for thought.

ramble.ramble.ramble...

I'm in the mood to ramble. Will someone please let me ramble? Rambling alone is no fun because then I just start ranting instead of rambling. But to mindlessly talk about random things and to just let out little things that are insignificant is something I am looking for right now.

I wish I were better with words. I wish I had a "way with words". I think one of the most admirable things someone can do is to have a way with words and to have full and total control over the words that come out of his/her mouth. When a person can say what they mean and mean 100% of what they say, then they become powerful. But I don't really have that. I'm okay with words... I'm good enough to pass of in the societal medium as normal or conversational. But I want to be a man who has control over his words... a man who can move people just by the use of words. There is so much power in words... So, just a thought, but is mind control actually possible? Words can have the capability to change and move people in different ways and words come from your conscience or from your mind. So technically, it is your mind... controlling or moving other people. It's not like the conventional super-hero, ESP mind control but it is a form of mind control. If this is true, then we have some serious super-powered people out there.

I bought the new Coldplay album recently (Mylo Xyloto) and I am loving it. The sounds, the ambiance and the feel of the music is so Coldplay but it has a new feeling to it. Just bought the last ever David Crowder Band album and I'm thinking of purchasing his other albums eventually. I really like his music and the band is breaking apart so they're going to be a legacy.

I'm buying so many things lately but I feel so motivated to do school work (even though I haven't started yet). I really need to start... tomorrow! I will start tomorrow and see how things go. I hope I can get a lot of work done before school starts. I want to get a nice head-start and just get a general feel for what the class is going to be like so that I don't have to try to scramble and catch up to the class.

Lately, my dad has been asking me a lot about girls and he's starting to get real pushy about it. Almost makes me nervous (as if I'm doing something wrong). But I never know what to tell him when he asks me why I'm not dating... It's not like I don't want to be in a relationship, but something is stopping me from pursuing one. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's my school life? Just too busy to make time to go on dates and stuff or maybe it's my unwilling nature. Maybe I'm gay? Kidding. But for real! What is up with this? I used to be the kid that couldn't live without a girl to be talking about but now it barely ever crosses my mind. Is this the same for other guys my age? I feel like the guys at BU generally feel this way... coming from the fact that none of us are dating....... Forever alone to the max and the worst part is, we don't care. Another thing is, I just don't think I have the character to be dating... people always say that you need to cherish your single life because there are things you can learn only when you're single but what about the things you can learn when you're in a relationship, like dealing with people? I am at a serious deficit in that aspect and so I'm scared to get into relationships... I just don't think I will do the girl justice but at the same time when am I ever going to learn how to deal with people when I'm never around people? But that just makes me sound like I want to be in a relationship to benefit myself by using the girl as a tool (false). Anyway, no more of this girlfriend-relationship talk... more thinking doesn't change my situation. I'm sure God will work things out for me. I hope

The Start.

So I decided to start my own blog and keep up with it for once instead of writing every once in a while on Tumblr. Something about Tumblr just doesn't sit well with me... it's more for creeping, not being creeped on...

The point of this blog is to just relay my feelings, my thoughts and my random (and often pointless) musings.

Now, to start it all off I must write about the happenings of this new year. Lectures, lectures, lectures, lectures. I've been getting bombed with one lecture after the other. Maybe this is all a foreshadow of what is to come this year: lectures. For some time I've been realizing that my character really sucks. I don't give a crap about anything going on around me and I just live to do what I gotta do. I've been on a steady decline ever since I started junior year in terms of my character and the worst part is that I just don't care enough to change it. I am so satisfied with where I am because all that matters to me right now is my studies. I am so engrossed in my studies that I have thrown out all care for other things in my life. I got into a semi-heated argument with my sister about how I don't listen and how it's so difficult to teach me things because I always have something to say back, something to explain. And this is true. I do not deny it. I am a terrible listener and I have so much work to do on my listening but I just don't care enough to change it. It bothers me but then I don't encounter enough situations where I am required to listen because I just distance myself from people. The only voice I can listen to is my own. So after a semester of hearing my own voice and my own reason, all I can do is shut out people more effectively. I really need to fix it. I love my sister to death for having mentioned it and for even still having the care to say something but I just don't want to fix it. I want it to change, but I don't like trying to change it. I like to listen... I wish I were better at it because it's enjoyable to listen but I just suck at taking constructive criticism. I guess if I had one new year's resolution, it would be to become a listener and not a talker. Listeners get so much further in life... I already know I can talk for hours... but life opens up when you can learn to listen. Life doesn't become just about giving, it becomes all about gaining.

Someone be patient enough to teach me how to listen. Force me to listen. Everyday my ears are tuning into this world and tuning out God. Something's gotta change... or someone?