Dreams are... dreams...

I watched Waiting for 'Superman' today and I must say that at the least it was a very moving documentary. I typically have a very dubious or suspicious outlook while I watch to try and catch the "twisting of facts" or the illogical statements that so conveniently leave out or highlight certain bits of information/data. But for some reason, this movie hit home pretty hard especially because I grew up in an elementary school and middle school that is similar to those in the movies. Granted, Staten Island isn't a dumpster (at least not anymore hahaha) nor is it the slums but the educational system here was a far cry from valid or even legitimate. The demographic of my elementary and middle schools was a vast majority, lower class folk and I grew up with these kids... Most of them had already known in their own heads that they were going no where in life just by the way teachers looked at them, treated them or even immediately labeled them based off of their grades.

In the midst of that crowd of endless failure-to-be's, I was a rare find along with a few other kids. But the funny thing is, no matter how much I saw the difference in the way adults treated my friends (the "failures") and me, I could not help but notice that a lot of my friends were actually geniuses in different ways. They had uncanny abilities to write poetry, to put emotion, truth, and reality into their writing. Even in the way they thought... I couldn't wrap my head around it but there was a difference and it was interesting how their logic formed and how they came to certain conclusions because it was absolutely ingenious. But it's too bad that I'm only one of few that came out with a proper education and a college degree. It's actually sad to see that happening. Such great minds... going to waste and the cycle repeating.... If only teachers could really see the potential in their children... really stir the passion in their hearts to learn and to excel in things they love!


I say this more so because as I start to think about how my life will unfold and how I would like to see my path unravel, I wonder... what are my dreams? What happened to my old dreams? What am I passionate about? And from that, job searching really became so different because I started thinking... is it really all about money? Will I really be happy even if I make a lot of money but am not passionate about what I do? I'm so young and there are endless possibilities... but we grew up in scary times. We've seen terrorist attacks at our doorstep, we've experienced economic plunges, wars... And so I think innately, I grew up in fear.... Fear that I would grow up without security... And so something in me changed and I started to find ways simply to gain security. Security. For my children, for my future wife, for my finances... For my LIFE.

But the only true security comes through Christ. So abstract, but it's starting to break me... break my foundation. Make me realize just how difficult it is to really live as a Christian and how much more difficult it gets as you keep getting older.

So in the end, I am still confused... what are my dreams? Are dreams... really just dreams? Or do they ever become reality? Should you ever justify the loss of security for the sake of following your dreams? It's a difficult world to live in... Maybe that's why parents love their children.. because maybe when you have kids, you can live through their dreams... live to see the world the way they see it... to fake yourself out into believing for a second that this world was made for dreamers. That life was made for dreams to become reality...

I hope that someday, I can help kids make their dreams turn into reality. I want to bring joy in learning. I want to see the light in their eyes, the wheels turn, the eyes wander and dream and wonder. Wonder is an amazing thing... it drives people... ultimately... it brings purpose.

Which is why I wonder at the amazing power of God. Just wonder.

Waiting, waiting waiting... joyfully?

Lately, a lot of things in life are requiring me to wait... But waiting is an arbitrary term.... We're often taught in church of two types of waiting: Active Waiting and Passive Waiting. Actively waiting is to "wait" on the Lord and to wait for Him to direct you as you continue to live on life and make decisions whereas passively waiting is to halt a decision that needs to be made in order that you can fully hear God's divine intervention and calling.

I'm in a period of my life where there is a lot of waiting that needs to happen. I need to wait to hear back for jobs, or wait till it's the right time to apply (in some cases). And in this case, people are especially weak because we either become lazy and thus "quit" waiting or become absolutely restless because we feel the need to make decisions now. And thus it becomes an issue for me when I try to explain my situation... I am waiting... because I want to figure out what exactly I want to do with my life... I am meditating, planning, thinking quite a bit... but I'm most definitely not being lazy. The problem is that it's difficult to explain all of that in a short sentence (just long enough to maintain their attention) without going on this elongated story that neither I want to tell nor does the listener really care enough to hear.

But in all other cases, waiting kills me. I think it kills me because I am at a complete standstill. I don't know what to feel, think, do. I just sit here idly... confused by my mind and heart. It's a confusing state and it's frustrating. But I feel that God is calling me to be silent and listen. To seek first the Kingdom. To desire Him above all else. More than a job, money, security, a girl, etc. I need to find delight in Him. But man does it suck and it's hard. When I read or hear about stories in the bible of people who've waited 40 years... or generations... I wonder.. how the hell do they do that? And then I realize... and remember... that it's because the Good News... the story of redemption, the revealing of God's promise for that time or the future times is just that good. That it's worth waiting decades for... centuries for... lifetimes for. It's foolishness in the public's eye... but our eyes are foolish and blind. And foolish sightings of a blind man are void anyway.

God, give me sight to see just how amazing you are. A few years as a sojourner are nothing in comparison to the immense riches that await me once I come back Home. Give me the patience to wait it out a bit longer and to find joy while waiting. As things come together, may I continue to give you joy and delight in what you have blessed me with.