what's worthwhile?

Today was a rather productive and interesting day (today meaning: Jan. 10th). I went out to the city to meet Bang at some hipster cafe (Le Pain Quotidien) and had a nice talk with her. It's crazy how enlightening it is to talk to people who really have thought through the same things as you in life. I'm usually a "learn it through experience" kind of guy but whenever I talk to Bang, she always teaches me new things and makes me think in a totally different light. If you ever read this Bang, I know I never listen and argue back to almost everything you say (like a typical younger brother), I am actually listening and absorbing almost everything you tell me...

I think one of the things that stuck out the most with what we talked about was whether or not the gospel seemed worthwhile in my life. She made a point that we don't necessarily disbelieve or doubt that God exists but more often, we just consider other things in our lives more worthwhile investing time into than our personal relationship with God. I've been struggling with the idea that if I really wanted a personal relationship with God, then wouldn't I pursue Him with all my heart just as I would pursue a girl that I like? And thus, if I do not pursue Him with all my heart, then it can be concluded that I do not desire a personal relationship with Him. But Bang pointed out that maybe I just don't seem Him to be the most worthwhile in my life... which brings you to the roots: Do I really understand the gospel? If I understood the gospel, then I would actually feel, in my heart, a guiltless desire to get to know the savior of my very life and soul. So that brings me to the question again: Do I really understand the gospel? What are the deepest roots of understanding behind the gospel?

Also met with June and Kara for dinner and then had coffee and desert with June. There was a lot of topics discussed but the most pressing issue was how the guys at BU seem to be "falling apart" from each other. I don't know if it's just me but I feel like we're all just getting further and further apart in our relationships with each other and none of us are willing to do anything about it. A part of me is so okay with what's going on... but at the same time I feel like the right thing to do is to hold onto these friendships. The main point that both Bang and June pushed to me was that the only thing that remains after college is the friendships that you build and establish over the years with people and the few people that you remain close with after college. It's those relationships that really matter in the end and it's not about the little petty things... but about those very friendships that held you together in college... but so far, I've had very little of that and a lot of alone time. Especially this year, I just feel like I've been growing on my own or "falling" on my own I guess. I've been growing to become more able to live independently from friends and I won't lie, my relationship with my family is improving quite a bit. I've come to realize that more so than having those amazing friends, what I seek and desire the most is a loving family where I can share the memories of the rest of my life. I want a wife and kids whom I can absolutely love and spoil to the highest degree. I want to struggle through marriage with my future wife, I want to raise my kids to become legendary thinkers and dreamers. I want to leave behind a legacy of love and care behind in my wife and kids. From the way I've been watching my dad live his life, it seems like he barely spends time with his friends (he doesn't even have too many of them here in the U.S.) and most of his time is spent trying to raise us as kids and trying to take care of us as best as he can without smothering the crap out of us. I want that. I just basically want to grow up without the "growing up" part.