blurry lines

What a slow and draining morning. I have never been so tired during a lecture and yet so intrigued and interested... I felt so bad because the general aura of the room was the same as mine. Everyone just seemed tired and the professor felt it and so when he asked questions, there would be so many awkward silences because people were generally trying hard to pay attention but everyone was so tired so we'd zone in and out and completely miss the question. But thankfully, he showed grace and even laughed it off lightly.

Anyway, came back from retreat yesterday and got to say, it was an experience. God was really moving and working in so many different ways during this retreat and for the first time I felt like I obtained a solid experience/encounter with Christ. A lot of prayer and again for the first time in a long time, I actually enjoyed the prayer times and really tried to dive into the moments of prayer. I think this is the start of a community-building moment for Symphony. We have a lot of untapped potential and I think it's about time that we start stirring the hearts of the people and really build a God-fearing, people-loving community. Eventually, it all boils down to a group of humbled servants. If we really want to build such community, the people must have a heart and a passion to serve one another. Furthermore, it can't just be about having the heart and the passion because things hat are brought up from human desires will always decay and fade but we must have a deep calling from God to do. Once we receive the calling, we not only use our own strength but we are provided the strength from Christ's love that has been poured out unto us. It is then, in which we obtain a burning passion to serve one another out of love. I really do hope that Symphony and all other churches can get to that point... I think it's really necessary here in Boston and it won't be obtained unless we are extremely conscious and aware of what is going on.

I think I grew a lot too over the course of the retreat. God put in me a desire and conviction to start up a new prayer life and to start up a life of diving into the Word. I need to be very active to keep up with it and so far it has been off to a good start. My desire is to become a powerful prayer warrior. I'm starting to feel that men really need to be backed up in prayer and need to be filled with wisdom/knowledge of the Word in order to 1) lead a better life, 2) co-lead with his wife in a truly God-centered manner, 3) raise his children to become God-fearing and prayer-filled young men and women, and 4) to be a leader figure in his community and church by reflecting a clear and accurate image of Christ through his actions and words. Men know their identity and they live by their identity without budging because (for the most part), we're stubborn. How much greater would it be if that identity was the identity given by Christ? That results in a man with a firm foundation in God that would not budge to any trials or tribulations that the world has to throw at him. I want to become that kind of man, and I think it's about time that I start to actively seek in becoming that sort of man. As I was thinking about this, I started to realize that I was watching too much anime because I started to compare my desire to become a spiritual warrior to Naruto training to become the greatest Hokage. He must endure through many trials and overcome difficult situations and fight the demons within him (the Nine-Tails) and learn to overcome hatred in order to gain a greater power. I know it sounds so dweeby, but there are so many Christian references in Naruto and it's all thanks to Junhee Jundo that I am consciously looking for those analogies. God can even use anime (which is created by one of the most broken nations in the world) to spread His message.

I've been keeping up real well with my Jesus time and I have to say that it is such a blessing. If you are reading this, then keep praying for me that I will be able to keep it up as well. I am probably praying for you as well because I usually just pray for people at random for whoever comes to mind.

I think recently a lot has been on my mind about worship and about my methods of leading worship and my intentions behind worship. Being on worship team so long, I guess I learned to just take things for what they are and since I was thrown into a leadership position so early on, I immediately just learned to make all the responsibilities of leadership into a checklist of do's and don'ts. I never really understood the weight of what worship really was. If you think about it, Worship is actually almost like preaching through music. It's a much bigger burden than I thought it was and I almost never really put an incredible amount of thought into it especially because I just didn't know the true weight of worship. My goal from here on out, is to make worship a truly intimate time for people. An opportunity for people to meet God through music... an outlet for people to just be covered in music and be filled with the Spirit and Love that God has to provide. I want to reach the hundreds... I want God's touch to be accessible to everyone and in order for that to happen, I need to be strong in my foundation with Christ. I need to put a great deal of prayer and thought into choosing the songs and making sure that they are songs that will bring people into a Spirit-filled time of worship. For me, worship was always my time, where I can meet God most effectively... by making music with my voice and my guitar, I felt like every note I played was a way for the Spirit to work in me and produce a prayer through music. I want everyone to feel the same joy and uplifting as they worship. I want people to experience the fullness of God as they worship. I want each of the songs they sing to be prayers in their hearts. God help me to be a worship leader that relies entirely on you to lead your people into the true heart of worship.

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On a side note... I want to ramble more but I have never been so empty in thought. For once, I feel like I have so many of my thoughts put together... I feel like God's voice is getting clearer and clearer each day and so my anxieties and worries are slowly fading away... I hope this prayer thing keeps up. I need to start working out again... tomorrow is my work-out day. Time for me to go to the gym and really focus on building my body again so that I stay in shape! Got to be strong in mind, body and spirit. So I will study hard when I need to and play hard when I can, work out well so that I stay strong in the body and keep praying and reading the Word and worshiping so that I can build myself i the spirit.

There is one thing on my mind that I can't seem to shake but I can't help it. For privacy's sake I shall keep it a secret (har har har)... but right now, it is greatly distracting me in many ways and yet it has not caused any detrimental damage to the quality of my life. In fact I think it is motivating me to become stronger. I am growing slowly impatient yet God is more graciously placing more and more patience into my life. One of these days, this dilemma will  be solved and I will be free from this burden regardless of the solution. I can't wait for the day but for now, it's a great character-building opportunity. I am seriously so thankful that God has eased up by school life so that I can focus on other things in my life that require a lot of work. Some day I will be ready and able... I will get there, I promise.

This is all the start of something new... I can feel it. Can't wait to see what happens.

i don't want to tell you

It's weird how much things have changed since last semester. So much on my mind and I can't seem to get everything organized. There are too many things going on at once. I need some time to just get away and sit still. I need to sit in my room and just think for an extended period of time. God give me the time to just be away from all things. Allow me to just soak up all that is going on. I want these next few blogs to be interesting so I will try to do all I can to slowly sink my thoughts into my conscience. Once I clear things up, I will bring back this blog and hopefully it will be of more interest to my growing number of readers!

Goodbye for now! Wish me luck.

yeah

sometimes. life just isn't fair.

But we just keep walking right? No matter how big the obstacle or how crappy the situation, in the end we always end up somewhere other than the place we began; it's just a matter of whether you're gonna move backwards or forwards...

Moving forward seems like the most logical decision but emotionally, I feel like humans tend to desire backward movement. So I guess a reasonable solution is to do what seems to be the most inhuman. But I think of all the things you can do, the most dangerous thing to do is to dismiss what is going on and what is in front of your stake. It's like having a guy about to punch you in the face and as the fist is nearing your face, you dismiss the fact that there is something coming right at you. We can't deny the fact that something is happening now cause then it just comes to bite us in the ass later. We need to be intentional about taking full advantage of whatever cards we got. If you got a blowout hand, then go with a bang! Bluff till the end and losing knowing you gave it your all... but always remember you're not in control of what hand you were given.

I just took a survey for a friend and one of the questions was "How often do you feel like you cannot control the most important things in your life" and quite frankly, the answer that popped into my head was "never...."
I never feel like I'm in control of the important things in my life. No matter how much I try to model a system to get a desired output, x(t) will never become my desired y(t).... it might end up as g(t)... or f(t)... or h(t).... Life is like a control system... except people observe things in a completely simple-minded way. We have a hard time grasping complex concepts so we simplify and approximate the control system (life) to a single input, single output model and we try to fit all the things that happen in life into this little model and then get frustrated because things don't make sense. But I feel like life is a multi-input, multi-output system where the transfer function is just something that we could never comprehend and so we have NO idea how things came out the way they did. God works in weird and strange ways... and we just can't grasp it... but all control systems are under control.... and so the desired output will come out with certain degrees of error depending on how willing we are to submit to Him.

Late night babbles.

wait. what?

It's been a while since I've posted and I guess a lot has happened...

Classes are now fully underway and BOY was it a surprise. For the first time since the 5th grade, I was actually intellectually stimulated and motivated to an extremely high degree. Okay, rewind... so the classes I'm taking this semester are: Control Systems in BME, Biomedical Measurements II, Thermodynamics and Systems Bio-Diseases. Now, just looking at the names, an average person would probably be thinking: "the frick?" or "he must hate himself" and naturally I thought something along the same lines except I figured it would be somewhat interesting because I'm just weird like that. But to say the least, I was absolutely blown away. All my professors are extremely interesting and intellectual people with very unique and passionate ways of teaching, not to mention the fact that they're extremely funny. I haven't been so captivated by a lecture or by a teacher/professor in too long. For once, the professors understand what it's like to be a student and understand that we are seeing this material for the first time instead of assuming that we're all just a bunch of dumb kids. I guess the fact that the professors respect me, makes me want to respect them. As nerdy as it may seem, I actually look forward to all my lectures and can't wait to be thrown into a pool of new discoveries. But something that kinda shook me was the fact that we (people) know so little about the things happening in our world. In previous classes, when you learn the material you get the general feeling that there is so much stuff discovered already and that there is very little room for improvement... but it's actually the total opposite. I would say that about 60-70% of the material that I learned to take for granted is not even fact yet. I just sat through a 2 hour lecture about cancer and learned that we don't really know anything... we just make assumptions based off of trends but we don't have a clue as to why things happen or why those trends come about... SERIOUSLY?!.... For once in my life, I felt like I could possibly make an impact on this world... I felt like I was being taught things to pave the way for a new science, a new discovery, a new and better medical world. It's crazy how much work is needed to be done in all the fields and it's a shame that they don't emphasize that enough in the introductory classes. Just as my professor said, the modern learning system is to use a bottom-up approach and teach all the basics first and then apply the knowledge to your respective fields, but in this process, students lose sight of why they're even studying what they're studying which leads to more kids quitting or dropping the tough majors. Now that I'm on the "other side" I feel relieved that I fought through all those tough times... in the end, I get to take classes that actually keep me interested.

On another note, I think this semester will actually be a decent semester. Already within the first week, I've been seeing a lot of people and have so many opportunities to get myself out there. I think this may turn out to become a very interesting semester full of growth and change...

I can't fall asleep... I am so tired right now but I just can't get myself to fall asleep which lead me to write this post in the first place. I've been strangely falling asleep around 8-9PM and then waking up at random hours and not being able to fall asleep again. I don't like it one bit but what am I gonna do? I miss home but I am so happy to be back. Here's to a semester with lots of potential!

new computer

I just got a brand spanking-new computer and I won't lie, it is a beauty. It fully boots in approximately 60 seconds and is capable of so many cool features like: multi-touch screen, 3D graphics, and other pure awesome things. I'm undergoing the process of installing all the different applications that I need onto the computer and this is all slowly preparing me for a new semester...

Being in Boston a few days early makes me think a lot about different things... especially how last semester went. Frankly, I don't really remember much of last semester and I think it's partially a coping mechanism that my brain kicked into to deal with the awful experience. I've been stretched, challenged and have failed in so many different ways... but here I am at the end of it all. I seriously hope and pray that next semester will not be like the fall semester... I don't think I can deal with that much stress again. But I would be lying if I said that I wasn't excited for this upcoming semester. I have all my textbooks and I'm seriously ready to go! I can't wait to be doing cool little projects and learning cool new things that make me feel smarter than other people.

I would write a much more elaborate blog but right now, I'm just so out of it with all the tiredness and the fact that it's so freaking late. I will write more as the first day of school draws nearer... it's already too close...

moving moving

I am returning to Boston tomorrow. I don't really know what to make of it but I'm having a mix of emotions. I'm excited and bummed at the same time. It's probably because Boston is always associated with late nights or countless sleepless nights. 

On a side note, I can't believe I'm keeping up so well with this blogging idea. I thought I would stop very quickly because that's been the trend up until now. Does this mean that I'm finally starting to think about things in life instead of just passing by without a moment's thought? If this continues, I wonder what I'll end up like in the future. Will I be a well-thought man or will I just become a poser that tries to say things in a "hipster" way to attract the attention of many other mindless followers? 

It's surprising how many people actually visit this page. I was expecting no one to be looking at it but I guess it's encouraging  me to keep writing because people are regularly looking at my page. I wish I weren't so lazy. I wish I had more motivation to read books and gain some knowledge from books instead of sitting around watching movies or TV episodes all day. One of these days (very soon) I will grow a habit of reading as a pass-time instead of sitting around watching TV. Think about how much more knowledge you can gain from reading as a pass-time instead of doing other pointless things like checking my facebook, tumblr and g-mail 100 times a day. 

One day, I will become a learned man. Or.. I'll just become a man. I'm still a boy. a child. an infant. Lot's to work on. But to share a New Year's resolution that I decided to pick, I decided to start buying music and buying CDs instead of downloading music. When I was growing up, I heard the music my dad listened to and it was intriguing. I don't want my kids to come to me and ask for music and then I send them files. I want to give them a CD that I've held onto and cherished for many years just like how my dad used to give me the CDs from his enormous library. Music brings memories... there are some songs that your brain will associate with a certain period of your life. In the same way, I want my growing CD collection to be another holder of my memories. I love the nostalgic feeling that you get when you hear a song that you used to listen to when you were younger... the feeling of memories breathing in and out for just a split second.... and then a faint memory moves back and forth in your head and then slowly fades into an empty feeling of nostalgia... 

One Day. 

what's worthwhile?

Today was a rather productive and interesting day (today meaning: Jan. 10th). I went out to the city to meet Bang at some hipster cafe (Le Pain Quotidien) and had a nice talk with her. It's crazy how enlightening it is to talk to people who really have thought through the same things as you in life. I'm usually a "learn it through experience" kind of guy but whenever I talk to Bang, she always teaches me new things and makes me think in a totally different light. If you ever read this Bang, I know I never listen and argue back to almost everything you say (like a typical younger brother), I am actually listening and absorbing almost everything you tell me...

I think one of the things that stuck out the most with what we talked about was whether or not the gospel seemed worthwhile in my life. She made a point that we don't necessarily disbelieve or doubt that God exists but more often, we just consider other things in our lives more worthwhile investing time into than our personal relationship with God. I've been struggling with the idea that if I really wanted a personal relationship with God, then wouldn't I pursue Him with all my heart just as I would pursue a girl that I like? And thus, if I do not pursue Him with all my heart, then it can be concluded that I do not desire a personal relationship with Him. But Bang pointed out that maybe I just don't seem Him to be the most worthwhile in my life... which brings you to the roots: Do I really understand the gospel? If I understood the gospel, then I would actually feel, in my heart, a guiltless desire to get to know the savior of my very life and soul. So that brings me to the question again: Do I really understand the gospel? What are the deepest roots of understanding behind the gospel?

Also met with June and Kara for dinner and then had coffee and desert with June. There was a lot of topics discussed but the most pressing issue was how the guys at BU seem to be "falling apart" from each other. I don't know if it's just me but I feel like we're all just getting further and further apart in our relationships with each other and none of us are willing to do anything about it. A part of me is so okay with what's going on... but at the same time I feel like the right thing to do is to hold onto these friendships. The main point that both Bang and June pushed to me was that the only thing that remains after college is the friendships that you build and establish over the years with people and the few people that you remain close with after college. It's those relationships that really matter in the end and it's not about the little petty things... but about those very friendships that held you together in college... but so far, I've had very little of that and a lot of alone time. Especially this year, I just feel like I've been growing on my own or "falling" on my own I guess. I've been growing to become more able to live independently from friends and I won't lie, my relationship with my family is improving quite a bit. I've come to realize that more so than having those amazing friends, what I seek and desire the most is a loving family where I can share the memories of the rest of my life. I want a wife and kids whom I can absolutely love and spoil to the highest degree. I want to struggle through marriage with my future wife, I want to raise my kids to become legendary thinkers and dreamers. I want to leave behind a legacy of love and care behind in my wife and kids. From the way I've been watching my dad live his life, it seems like he barely spends time with his friends (he doesn't even have too many of them here in the U.S.) and most of his time is spent trying to raise us as kids and trying to take care of us as best as he can without smothering the crap out of us. I want that. I just basically want to grow up without the "growing up" part.