Today was a rather productive and interesting day (today meaning: Jan. 10th). I went out to the city to meet Bang at some hipster cafe (Le Pain Quotidien) and had a nice talk with her. It's crazy how enlightening it is to talk to people who really have thought through the same things as you in life. I'm usually a "learn it through experience" kind of guy but whenever I talk to Bang, she always teaches me new things and makes me think in a totally different light. If you ever read this Bang, I know I never listen and argue back to almost everything you say (like a typical younger brother), I am actually listening and absorbing almost everything you tell me...
I think one of the things that stuck out the most with what we talked about was whether or not the gospel seemed worthwhile in my life. She made a point that we don't necessarily disbelieve or doubt that God exists but more often, we just consider other things in our lives more worthwhile investing time into than our personal relationship with God. I've been struggling with the idea that if I really wanted a personal relationship with God, then wouldn't I pursue Him with all my heart just as I would pursue a girl that I like? And thus, if I do not pursue Him with all my heart, then it can be concluded that I do not desire a personal relationship with Him. But Bang pointed out that maybe I just don't seem Him to be the most worthwhile in my life... which brings you to the roots: Do I really understand the gospel? If I understood the gospel, then I would actually feel, in my heart, a guiltless desire to get to know the savior of my very life and soul. So that brings me to the question again: Do I really understand the gospel? What are the deepest roots of understanding behind the gospel?
Also met with June and Kara for dinner and then had coffee and desert with June. There was a lot of topics discussed but the most pressing issue was how the guys at BU seem to be "falling apart" from each other. I don't know if it's just me but I feel like we're all just getting further and further apart in our relationships with each other and none of us are willing to do anything about it. A part of me is so okay with what's going on... but at the same time I feel like the right thing to do is to hold onto these friendships. The main point that both Bang and June pushed to me was that the only thing that remains after college is the friendships that you build and establish over the years with people and the few people that you remain close with after college. It's those relationships that really matter in the end and it's not about the little petty things... but about those very friendships that held you together in college... but so far, I've had very little of that and a lot of alone time. Especially this year, I just feel like I've been growing on my own or "falling" on my own I guess. I've been growing to become more able to live independently from friends and I won't lie, my relationship with my family is improving quite a bit. I've come to realize that more so than having those amazing friends, what I seek and desire the most is a loving family where I can share the memories of the rest of my life. I want a wife and kids whom I can absolutely love and spoil to the highest degree. I want to struggle through marriage with my future wife, I want to raise my kids to become legendary thinkers and dreamers. I want to leave behind a legacy of love and care behind in my wife and kids. From the way I've been watching my dad live his life, it seems like he barely spends time with his friends (he doesn't even have too many of them here in the U.S.) and most of his time is spent trying to raise us as kids and trying to take care of us as best as he can without smothering the crap out of us. I want that. I just basically want to grow up without the "growing up" part.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Sunday, January 8, 2012
itching
I'm itching to go back to Boston. The tempo of Boston is just right for me. I love the feel of the city, the feel of BU, the crisp winter air, the lonely yet soothing atmosphere of Boston. It all mixes into this pot of memories that I can't really pinpoint but I know are there. There's always a feeling of nostalgia when I'm outside of Boston. I can't wait to go back to my room and clean it up. I feel like cleaning up is not so much a physical thing but more of a mental thing to me. When my room is messy, then typically my mind is very messy. That's why I like to clean, so that I can clear my mind of clutter and stress. It helps me sleep at night and helps me to just sit in the living room and watch the Boston skyline with a sense of peace in mind. I can't wait to just sit there, relax and enjoy the moments that I know are too fleeting. I can't say that I'm exactly dying to study but I do want to study and I can't wait till I can get it done. I love the feeling of cracking open a textbook and sitting there for hours trying to absorb the knowledge. I feel like I'm getting places whenever I do so. I feel like my brain is working, it's turning, its trying to get places. I can't help but love being challenged. It's stressful as hell because I really do get stressed out but at the same time, it's almost like the stress is my adrenaline. It flows in me and pushes me and drives me to push past my own limits. It's like a love-hate relationship.
Speaking of relationships. I feel like relationships have been on my mind a lot recently. Being at home has definitely opened up a lot of time for me to relax and get a lot of rest. At the same time, it's given me a whole lot of time to start thinking about relationships again and where I am in my own life. I would be lying if I said that all this thinking was something I enjoyed. Once I start thinking about things, I get too lost in my own thoughts and then I start making up alternate realities where things happen a certain way and I try to play out the endings in almost every scenario that my brain can think up. This does not lead to enlightenment... it just leads to loneliness and slight depression. I end up beating myself up for all my flaws and how little progress I've made so far in my character and then I start to reminisce about past relationships and honestly... all I can ever remember are the mistakes that I've made which is a shame because there were so many good moments along with the bad. Lately, my dad has been raiding me with questions about girls. Previously, the only moments we had conversation was concerning my academic life. But it seems that he's gotten relatively satisfied with my desire to study and so he moved onto other things. Maybe it's also because he thinks it's about time that I get a girlfriend... especially in college. But regardless, I am having seriously difficult times trying to get myself into a relationship. On one aspect, I just don't think that I have the time... I just consume my thoughts with academics that I get scared when I start to bring in other things so when I start thinking about relationships I immediately assume that I have no time because I won't have time to manage the relationship on my part. It will be a shameful relationship... I need a girl that won't mind it when I just tell her that I need to leave to study or that I need to talk to her later. I cannot stand clingy girls because I always need my own space. But at the same time I want to be able to give my girlfriend all the attention she wants and I want to spoil the crap out of her. It's a constant dilemma.
Also, I just don't find myself to be mature enough to handle a relationship. But then again, when will I ever find myself to be worth dating? Will I ever see myself as a likely candidate for girls? I'm not really the one that judges that (obviously) because it's the girl that decides whether or not I'm "acceptable". But at the same time, I can't help but think... "Why would I offer something that is not worth the investment? Why serve a customer meat that isn't cooked? Why give someone a half-written book?"
I don't know... honestly, I just want to causally date girls and have no hard feelings. The classic way. I feel like relationships these days are over-romanticized and girls are less and less willing to jump into the dating feel because they're scared that it's going to get serious. To top it off, the whole attitude behind "Christian Dating" really ticks me off. I understand the concept of it but it's just not realistic. People take things over-the-top. Everything is "over-the-top"! So the whole "Christian Dating" concept gets blown way out of proportion and people forget that we're not dating God! we're dating people! We get so obsessed with trying to keep each other holy and trying to manage each other's faith that we get lost in the relationship and lose sight of why we're in the relationship in the first place. You're gonna screw up anyway, might as well go about the relationship in a human way instead of trying to play God. If you want a "Christian Relationship" just don't go over each other's places and spend time alone together with the door closed... it's going to lead to something eventually. Keep your distance and respect each other's bodies. That's as simple as it is. The reason why churches are so adamant about "Christian Dating" is so that sex does not happen. Sex is one of the biggest taboos in any christian relationship... but it doesn't have to happen. People just act stupid and keep trying to maintain a Christian relationship while putting themselves in bad situations. If you want a Christian relationship, then avoid situations where sex will happen, otherwise, just indulge. People need to stop being wishy-washy. If you want a Christian relationship, do it; otherwise just go have fun and indulge in whatever you want... stop floating around in the middle trying to get a little bit of both. You won't get both, you'll just get the sex part so just go have sex and realize that it's not what you wanted and move on with your life. It frustrates me when people in relationships start obsessing over faith and start reading the Bible more when they're in a relationship or pray more when they're in a relationship. It's stupidity! I love the effort but why don't you do it when you're not in a relationship? Why not grow with God and solidify your faith when you're single and enter into a relationship to grow and solidify a relationship with the girl. Don't enter into a relationship to solidify your relationship with God or to "take it to the next level" with God.... You can (and should) do that when you're single. Love the girl when you're in a relationship and maintain your own faith that you solidified while you were single!
This started off as random thoughts but ended up becoming a rant... Just some food for thought.
Speaking of relationships. I feel like relationships have been on my mind a lot recently. Being at home has definitely opened up a lot of time for me to relax and get a lot of rest. At the same time, it's given me a whole lot of time to start thinking about relationships again and where I am in my own life. I would be lying if I said that all this thinking was something I enjoyed. Once I start thinking about things, I get too lost in my own thoughts and then I start making up alternate realities where things happen a certain way and I try to play out the endings in almost every scenario that my brain can think up. This does not lead to enlightenment... it just leads to loneliness and slight depression. I end up beating myself up for all my flaws and how little progress I've made so far in my character and then I start to reminisce about past relationships and honestly... all I can ever remember are the mistakes that I've made which is a shame because there were so many good moments along with the bad. Lately, my dad has been raiding me with questions about girls. Previously, the only moments we had conversation was concerning my academic life. But it seems that he's gotten relatively satisfied with my desire to study and so he moved onto other things. Maybe it's also because he thinks it's about time that I get a girlfriend... especially in college. But regardless, I am having seriously difficult times trying to get myself into a relationship. On one aspect, I just don't think that I have the time... I just consume my thoughts with academics that I get scared when I start to bring in other things so when I start thinking about relationships I immediately assume that I have no time because I won't have time to manage the relationship on my part. It will be a shameful relationship... I need a girl that won't mind it when I just tell her that I need to leave to study or that I need to talk to her later. I cannot stand clingy girls because I always need my own space. But at the same time I want to be able to give my girlfriend all the attention she wants and I want to spoil the crap out of her. It's a constant dilemma.
Also, I just don't find myself to be mature enough to handle a relationship. But then again, when will I ever find myself to be worth dating? Will I ever see myself as a likely candidate for girls? I'm not really the one that judges that (obviously) because it's the girl that decides whether or not I'm "acceptable". But at the same time, I can't help but think... "Why would I offer something that is not worth the investment? Why serve a customer meat that isn't cooked? Why give someone a half-written book?"
I don't know... honestly, I just want to causally date girls and have no hard feelings. The classic way. I feel like relationships these days are over-romanticized and girls are less and less willing to jump into the dating feel because they're scared that it's going to get serious. To top it off, the whole attitude behind "Christian Dating" really ticks me off. I understand the concept of it but it's just not realistic. People take things over-the-top. Everything is "over-the-top"! So the whole "Christian Dating" concept gets blown way out of proportion and people forget that we're not dating God! we're dating people! We get so obsessed with trying to keep each other holy and trying to manage each other's faith that we get lost in the relationship and lose sight of why we're in the relationship in the first place. You're gonna screw up anyway, might as well go about the relationship in a human way instead of trying to play God. If you want a "Christian Relationship" just don't go over each other's places and spend time alone together with the door closed... it's going to lead to something eventually. Keep your distance and respect each other's bodies. That's as simple as it is. The reason why churches are so adamant about "Christian Dating" is so that sex does not happen. Sex is one of the biggest taboos in any christian relationship... but it doesn't have to happen. People just act stupid and keep trying to maintain a Christian relationship while putting themselves in bad situations. If you want a Christian relationship, then avoid situations where sex will happen, otherwise, just indulge. People need to stop being wishy-washy. If you want a Christian relationship, do it; otherwise just go have fun and indulge in whatever you want... stop floating around in the middle trying to get a little bit of both. You won't get both, you'll just get the sex part so just go have sex and realize that it's not what you wanted and move on with your life. It frustrates me when people in relationships start obsessing over faith and start reading the Bible more when they're in a relationship or pray more when they're in a relationship. It's stupidity! I love the effort but why don't you do it when you're not in a relationship? Why not grow with God and solidify your faith when you're single and enter into a relationship to grow and solidify a relationship with the girl. Don't enter into a relationship to solidify your relationship with God or to "take it to the next level" with God.... You can (and should) do that when you're single. Love the girl when you're in a relationship and maintain your own faith that you solidified while you were single!
This started off as random thoughts but ended up becoming a rant... Just some food for thought.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
ramble.ramble.ramble...
I'm in the mood to ramble. Will someone please let me ramble? Rambling alone is no fun because then I just start ranting instead of rambling. But to mindlessly talk about random things and to just let out little things that are insignificant is something I am looking for right now.
I wish I were better with words. I wish I had a "way with words". I think one of the most admirable things someone can do is to have a way with words and to have full and total control over the words that come out of his/her mouth. When a person can say what they mean and mean 100% of what they say, then they become powerful. But I don't really have that. I'm okay with words... I'm good enough to pass of in the societal medium as normal or conversational. But I want to be a man who has control over his words... a man who can move people just by the use of words. There is so much power in words... So, just a thought, but is mind control actually possible? Words can have the capability to change and move people in different ways and words come from your conscience or from your mind. So technically, it is your mind... controlling or moving other people. It's not like the conventional super-hero, ESP mind control but it is a form of mind control. If this is true, then we have some serious super-powered people out there.
I bought the new Coldplay album recently (Mylo Xyloto) and I am loving it. The sounds, the ambiance and the feel of the music is so Coldplay but it has a new feeling to it. Just bought the last ever David Crowder Band album and I'm thinking of purchasing his other albums eventually. I really like his music and the band is breaking apart so they're going to be a legacy.
I'm buying so many things lately but I feel so motivated to do school work (even though I haven't started yet). I really need to start... tomorrow! I will start tomorrow and see how things go. I hope I can get a lot of work done before school starts. I want to get a nice head-start and just get a general feel for what the class is going to be like so that I don't have to try to scramble and catch up to the class.
Lately, my dad has been asking me a lot about girls and he's starting to get real pushy about it. Almost makes me nervous (as if I'm doing something wrong). But I never know what to tell him when he asks me why I'm not dating... It's not like I don't want to be in a relationship, but something is stopping me from pursuing one. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's my school life? Just too busy to make time to go on dates and stuff or maybe it's my unwilling nature. Maybe I'm gay? Kidding. But for real! What is up with this? I used to be the kid that couldn't live without a girl to be talking about but now it barely ever crosses my mind. Is this the same for other guys my age? I feel like the guys at BU generally feel this way... coming from the fact that none of us are dating....... Forever alone to the max and the worst part is, we don't care. Another thing is, I just don't think I have the character to be dating... people always say that you need to cherish your single life because there are things you can learn only when you're single but what about the things you can learn when you're in a relationship, like dealing with people? I am at a serious deficit in that aspect and so I'm scared to get into relationships... I just don't think I will do the girl justice but at the same time when am I ever going to learn how to deal with people when I'm never around people? But that just makes me sound like I want to be in a relationship to benefit myself by using the girl as a tool (false). Anyway, no more of this girlfriend-relationship talk... more thinking doesn't change my situation. I'm sure God will work things out for me. I hope
I wish I were better with words. I wish I had a "way with words". I think one of the most admirable things someone can do is to have a way with words and to have full and total control over the words that come out of his/her mouth. When a person can say what they mean and mean 100% of what they say, then they become powerful. But I don't really have that. I'm okay with words... I'm good enough to pass of in the societal medium as normal or conversational. But I want to be a man who has control over his words... a man who can move people just by the use of words. There is so much power in words... So, just a thought, but is mind control actually possible? Words can have the capability to change and move people in different ways and words come from your conscience or from your mind. So technically, it is your mind... controlling or moving other people. It's not like the conventional super-hero, ESP mind control but it is a form of mind control. If this is true, then we have some serious super-powered people out there.
I bought the new Coldplay album recently (Mylo Xyloto) and I am loving it. The sounds, the ambiance and the feel of the music is so Coldplay but it has a new feeling to it. Just bought the last ever David Crowder Band album and I'm thinking of purchasing his other albums eventually. I really like his music and the band is breaking apart so they're going to be a legacy.
I'm buying so many things lately but I feel so motivated to do school work (even though I haven't started yet). I really need to start... tomorrow! I will start tomorrow and see how things go. I hope I can get a lot of work done before school starts. I want to get a nice head-start and just get a general feel for what the class is going to be like so that I don't have to try to scramble and catch up to the class.
Lately, my dad has been asking me a lot about girls and he's starting to get real pushy about it. Almost makes me nervous (as if I'm doing something wrong). But I never know what to tell him when he asks me why I'm not dating... It's not like I don't want to be in a relationship, but something is stopping me from pursuing one. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's my school life? Just too busy to make time to go on dates and stuff or maybe it's my unwilling nature. Maybe I'm gay? Kidding. But for real! What is up with this? I used to be the kid that couldn't live without a girl to be talking about but now it barely ever crosses my mind. Is this the same for other guys my age? I feel like the guys at BU generally feel this way... coming from the fact that none of us are dating....... Forever alone to the max and the worst part is, we don't care. Another thing is, I just don't think I have the character to be dating... people always say that you need to cherish your single life because there are things you can learn only when you're single but what about the things you can learn when you're in a relationship, like dealing with people? I am at a serious deficit in that aspect and so I'm scared to get into relationships... I just don't think I will do the girl justice but at the same time when am I ever going to learn how to deal with people when I'm never around people? But that just makes me sound like I want to be in a relationship to benefit myself by using the girl as a tool (false). Anyway, no more of this girlfriend-relationship talk... more thinking doesn't change my situation. I'm sure God will work things out for me. I hope
Monday, January 2, 2012
The Start.
So I decided to start my own blog and keep up with it for once instead of writing every once in a while on Tumblr. Something about Tumblr just doesn't sit well with me... it's more for creeping, not being creeped on...
The point of this blog is to just relay my feelings, my thoughts and my random (and often pointless) musings.
Now, to start it all off I must write about the happenings of this new year. Lectures, lectures, lectures, lectures. I've been getting bombed with one lecture after the other. Maybe this is all a foreshadow of what is to come this year: lectures. For some time I've been realizing that my character really sucks. I don't give a crap about anything going on around me and I just live to do what I gotta do. I've been on a steady decline ever since I started junior year in terms of my character and the worst part is that I just don't care enough to change it. I am so satisfied with where I am because all that matters to me right now is my studies. I am so engrossed in my studies that I have thrown out all care for other things in my life. I got into a semi-heated argument with my sister about how I don't listen and how it's so difficult to teach me things because I always have something to say back, something to explain. And this is true. I do not deny it. I am a terrible listener and I have so much work to do on my listening but I just don't care enough to change it. It bothers me but then I don't encounter enough situations where I am required to listen because I just distance myself from people. The only voice I can listen to is my own. So after a semester of hearing my own voice and my own reason, all I can do is shut out people more effectively. I really need to fix it. I love my sister to death for having mentioned it and for even still having the care to say something but I just don't want to fix it. I want it to change, but I don't like trying to change it. I like to listen... I wish I were better at it because it's enjoyable to listen but I just suck at taking constructive criticism. I guess if I had one new year's resolution, it would be to become a listener and not a talker. Listeners get so much further in life... I already know I can talk for hours... but life opens up when you can learn to listen. Life doesn't become just about giving, it becomes all about gaining.
Someone be patient enough to teach me how to listen. Force me to listen. Everyday my ears are tuning into this world and tuning out God. Something's gotta change... or someone?
The point of this blog is to just relay my feelings, my thoughts and my random (and often pointless) musings.
Now, to start it all off I must write about the happenings of this new year. Lectures, lectures, lectures, lectures. I've been getting bombed with one lecture after the other. Maybe this is all a foreshadow of what is to come this year: lectures. For some time I've been realizing that my character really sucks. I don't give a crap about anything going on around me and I just live to do what I gotta do. I've been on a steady decline ever since I started junior year in terms of my character and the worst part is that I just don't care enough to change it. I am so satisfied with where I am because all that matters to me right now is my studies. I am so engrossed in my studies that I have thrown out all care for other things in my life. I got into a semi-heated argument with my sister about how I don't listen and how it's so difficult to teach me things because I always have something to say back, something to explain. And this is true. I do not deny it. I am a terrible listener and I have so much work to do on my listening but I just don't care enough to change it. It bothers me but then I don't encounter enough situations where I am required to listen because I just distance myself from people. The only voice I can listen to is my own. So after a semester of hearing my own voice and my own reason, all I can do is shut out people more effectively. I really need to fix it. I love my sister to death for having mentioned it and for even still having the care to say something but I just don't want to fix it. I want it to change, but I don't like trying to change it. I like to listen... I wish I were better at it because it's enjoyable to listen but I just suck at taking constructive criticism. I guess if I had one new year's resolution, it would be to become a listener and not a talker. Listeners get so much further in life... I already know I can talk for hours... but life opens up when you can learn to listen. Life doesn't become just about giving, it becomes all about gaining.
Someone be patient enough to teach me how to listen. Force me to listen. Everyday my ears are tuning into this world and tuning out God. Something's gotta change... or someone?
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