itching

I'm itching to go back to Boston. The tempo of Boston is just right for me. I love the feel of the city, the feel of BU, the crisp winter air, the lonely yet soothing atmosphere of Boston. It all mixes into this pot of memories that I can't really pinpoint but I know are there. There's always a feeling of nostalgia when I'm outside of Boston. I can't wait to go back to my room and clean it up. I feel like cleaning up is not so much a physical thing but more of a mental thing to me. When my room is messy, then typically my mind is very messy. That's why I like to clean, so that I can clear my mind of clutter and stress. It helps me sleep at night and helps me to just sit in the living room and watch the Boston skyline with a sense of peace in mind. I can't wait to just sit there, relax and enjoy the moments that I know are too fleeting. I can't say that I'm exactly dying to study but I do want to study and I can't wait till I can get it done. I love the feeling of cracking open a textbook and sitting there for hours trying to absorb the knowledge. I feel like I'm getting places whenever I do so. I feel like my brain is working, it's turning, its trying to get places. I can't help but love being challenged. It's stressful as hell because I really do get stressed out but at the same time, it's almost like the stress is my adrenaline. It flows in me and pushes me and drives me to push past my own limits. It's like a love-hate relationship.

Speaking of relationships. I feel like relationships have been on my mind a lot recently. Being at home has definitely opened up a lot of time for me to relax and get a lot of rest. At the same time, it's given me a whole lot of time to start thinking about relationships again and where I am in my own life. I would be lying if I said that all this thinking was something I enjoyed. Once I start thinking about things, I get too lost in my own thoughts and then I start making up alternate realities where things happen a certain way and I try to play out the endings in almost every scenario that my brain can think up. This does not lead to enlightenment... it just leads to loneliness and slight depression. I end up beating myself up for all my flaws and how little progress I've made so far in my character and then I start to reminisce about past relationships and honestly... all I can ever remember are the mistakes that I've made which is a shame because there were so many good moments along with the bad. Lately, my dad has been raiding me with questions about girls. Previously, the only moments we had conversation was concerning my academic life. But it seems that he's gotten relatively satisfied with my desire to study and so he moved onto other things. Maybe it's also because he thinks it's about time that I get a girlfriend... especially in college. But regardless, I am having seriously difficult times trying to get myself into a relationship. On one aspect, I just don't think that I have the time... I just consume my thoughts with academics that I get scared when I start to bring in other things so when I start thinking about relationships I immediately assume that I have no time because I won't have time to manage the relationship on my part. It will be a shameful relationship... I need a girl that won't mind it when I just tell her that I need to leave to study or that I need to talk to her later. I cannot stand clingy girls because I always need my own space. But at the same time I want to be able to give my girlfriend all the attention she wants and I want to spoil the crap out of her. It's a constant dilemma.

Also, I just don't find myself to be mature enough to handle a relationship. But then again, when will I ever find myself to be worth dating? Will I ever see myself as a likely candidate for girls? I'm not really the one that judges that (obviously) because it's the girl that decides whether or not I'm "acceptable". But at the same time, I can't help but think... "Why would I offer something that is not worth the investment? Why serve a customer meat that isn't cooked? Why give someone a half-written book?"

I don't know... honestly, I just want to causally date girls and have no hard feelings. The classic way. I feel like relationships these days are over-romanticized and girls are less and less willing to jump into the dating feel because they're scared that it's going to get serious. To top it off, the whole attitude behind "Christian Dating" really ticks me off. I understand the concept of it but it's just not realistic. People take things over-the-top. Everything is "over-the-top"! So the whole "Christian Dating" concept gets blown way out of proportion and people forget that we're not dating God! we're dating people! We get so obsessed with trying to keep each other holy and trying to manage each other's faith that we get lost in the relationship and lose sight of why we're in the relationship in the first place. You're gonna screw up anyway, might as well go about the relationship in a human way instead of trying to play God. If you want a "Christian Relationship" just don't go over each other's places and spend time alone together with the door closed... it's going to lead to something eventually. Keep your distance and respect each other's bodies. That's as simple as it is. The reason why churches are so adamant about "Christian Dating" is so that sex does not happen. Sex is one of the biggest taboos in any christian relationship... but it doesn't have to happen. People just act stupid and keep trying to maintain a Christian relationship while putting themselves in bad situations. If you want a Christian relationship, then avoid situations where sex will happen, otherwise, just indulge. People need to stop being wishy-washy. If you want a Christian relationship, do it; otherwise just go have fun and indulge in whatever you want... stop floating around in the middle trying to get a little bit of both. You won't get both, you'll just get the sex part so just go have sex and realize that it's not what you wanted and move on with your life. It frustrates me when people in relationships start obsessing over faith and start reading the Bible more when they're in a relationship or pray more when they're in a relationship. It's stupidity! I love the effort but why don't you do it when you're not in a relationship? Why not grow with God and solidify your faith when you're single and enter into a relationship to grow and solidify a relationship with the girl. Don't enter into a relationship to solidify your relationship with God or to "take it to the next level" with God.... You can (and should) do that when you're single. Love the girl when you're in a relationship and maintain your own faith that you solidified while you were single!

This started off as random thoughts but ended up becoming a rant... Just some food for thought.