What a slow and draining morning. I have never been so tired during a lecture and yet so intrigued and interested... I felt so bad because the general aura of the room was the same as mine. Everyone just seemed tired and the professor felt it and so when he asked questions, there would be so many awkward silences because people were generally trying hard to pay attention but everyone was so tired so we'd zone in and out and completely miss the question. But thankfully, he showed grace and even laughed it off lightly.
Anyway, came back from retreat yesterday and got to say, it was an experience. God was really moving and working in so many different ways during this retreat and for the first time I felt like I obtained a solid experience/encounter with Christ. A lot of prayer and again for the first time in a long time, I actually enjoyed the prayer times and really tried to dive into the moments of prayer. I think this is the start of a community-building moment for Symphony. We have a lot of untapped potential and I think it's about time that we start stirring the hearts of the people and really build a God-fearing, people-loving community. Eventually, it all boils down to a group of humbled servants. If we really want to build such community, the people must have a heart and a passion to serve one another. Furthermore, it can't just be about having the heart and the passion because things hat are brought up from human desires will always decay and fade but we must have a deep calling from God to do. Once we receive the calling, we not only use our own strength but we are provided the strength from Christ's love that has been poured out unto us. It is then, in which we obtain a burning passion to serve one another out of love. I really do hope that Symphony and all other churches can get to that point... I think it's really necessary here in Boston and it won't be obtained unless we are extremely conscious and aware of what is going on.
I think I grew a lot too over the course of the retreat. God put in me a desire and conviction to start up a new prayer life and to start up a life of diving into the Word. I need to be very active to keep up with it and so far it has been off to a good start. My desire is to become a powerful prayer warrior. I'm starting to feel that men really need to be backed up in prayer and need to be filled with wisdom/knowledge of the Word in order to 1) lead a better life, 2) co-lead with his wife in a truly God-centered manner, 3) raise his children to become God-fearing and prayer-filled young men and women, and 4) to be a leader figure in his community and church by reflecting a clear and accurate image of Christ through his actions and words. Men know their identity and they live by their identity without budging because (for the most part), we're stubborn. How much greater would it be if that identity was the identity given by Christ? That results in a man with a firm foundation in God that would not budge to any trials or tribulations that the world has to throw at him. I want to become that kind of man, and I think it's about time that I start to actively seek in becoming that sort of man. As I was thinking about this, I started to realize that I was watching too much anime because I started to compare my desire to become a spiritual warrior to Naruto training to become the greatest Hokage. He must endure through many trials and overcome difficult situations and fight the demons within him (the Nine-Tails) and learn to overcome hatred in order to gain a greater power. I know it sounds so dweeby, but there are so many Christian references in Naruto and it's all thanks to Junhee Jundo that I am consciously looking for those analogies. God can even use anime (which is created by one of the most broken nations in the world) to spread His message.
I've been keeping up real well with my Jesus time and I have to say that it is such a blessing. If you are reading this, then keep praying for me that I will be able to keep it up as well. I am probably praying for you as well because I usually just pray for people at random for whoever comes to mind.
I think recently a lot has been on my mind about worship and about my methods of leading worship and my intentions behind worship. Being on worship team so long, I guess I learned to just take things for what they are and since I was thrown into a leadership position so early on, I immediately just learned to make all the responsibilities of leadership into a checklist of do's and don'ts. I never really understood the weight of what worship really was. If you think about it, Worship is actually almost like preaching through music. It's a much bigger burden than I thought it was and I almost never really put an incredible amount of thought into it especially because I just didn't know the true weight of worship. My goal from here on out, is to make worship a truly intimate time for people. An opportunity for people to meet God through music... an outlet for people to just be covered in music and be filled with the Spirit and Love that God has to provide. I want to reach the hundreds... I want God's touch to be accessible to everyone and in order for that to happen, I need to be strong in my foundation with Christ. I need to put a great deal of prayer and thought into choosing the songs and making sure that they are songs that will bring people into a Spirit-filled time of worship. For me, worship was always my time, where I can meet God most effectively... by making music with my voice and my guitar, I felt like every note I played was a way for the Spirit to work in me and produce a prayer through music. I want everyone to feel the same joy and uplifting as they worship. I want people to experience the fullness of God as they worship. I want each of the songs they sing to be prayers in their hearts. God help me to be a worship leader that relies entirely on you to lead your people into the true heart of worship.
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On a side note... I want to ramble more but I have never been so empty in thought. For once, I feel like I have so many of my thoughts put together... I feel like God's voice is getting clearer and clearer each day and so my anxieties and worries are slowly fading away... I hope this prayer thing keeps up. I need to start working out again... tomorrow is my work-out day. Time for me to go to the gym and really focus on building my body again so that I stay in shape! Got to be strong in mind, body and spirit. So I will study hard when I need to and play hard when I can, work out well so that I stay strong in the body and keep praying and reading the Word and worshiping so that I can build myself i the spirit.
There is one thing on my mind that I can't seem to shake but I can't help it. For privacy's sake I shall keep it a secret (har har har)... but right now, it is greatly distracting me in many ways and yet it has not caused any detrimental damage to the quality of my life. In fact I think it is motivating me to become stronger. I am growing slowly impatient yet God is more graciously placing more and more patience into my life. One of these days, this dilemma will be solved and I will be free from this burden regardless of the solution. I can't wait for the day but for now, it's a great character-building opportunity. I am seriously so thankful that God has eased up by school life so that I can focus on other things in my life that require a lot of work. Some day I will be ready and able... I will get there, I promise.
This is all the start of something new... I can feel it. Can't wait to see what happens.
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