coffee communion

I hate it when you have nothing to write about (I guess that statement is a paradox in itself).

There is a lot to be excited about this semester. But I get the feeling that it is going to feel like an extremely slow semester. A lot of stuff has been happening over the past few days and a lot of things are being said. Definitely time for God to be working in my life. And by working, I mean building character, stretching me, changing me, shaping me into someone more like Him. I've got mixed feelings about this. I'm excited to become the end product of a success story, and yet I am reluctant to get into a time of challenges. Basically, I'm scared.

On the surface, I guess a lot of people can look at me and think... "He's not bad. He's not crazy... I guess", maybe even "He's pretty cool" or "He's so AWESOME" (hahahaha) But a lot of it is an act and I am being reminded a lot recently that someday the mask must come off and that time is now. I've been delaying this for so long but it's about time that I start dealing with my inner demons. The things I've gotten so good at hiding at a surface level. The things that only the people that are really close to me know. I am scared to see again the things that I tried to push away in my character for so long. The reason why I pushed them away for so long was because I was disgusted by them and I didn't want to be associated with such characteristics. To name a few, 1) I have a big mouth and I just run it without thought many times, 2) I have a hard time listening, 3) I always need to defend my point (there's always a "But..."), 4) I grow impatient with things that I don't want to hear, and the list goes on. When I look at the list of things wrong with me, I can't help but get overwhelmed. At first, it's anger or frustration (Why do I have to have these qualities?) and then it becomes determination to change (I can fix these), and then after enduring through failure, it becomes apathy out of hopelessness (What's the point, this is who I am and I can't help but be this way, I am just lucky to have people who can deal with me). And this has been the progression of thought for all these years... inadequacy would probably sum up my life in one word. I always saw my life as being full of deficit. I never really saw my life as being opportunistic or full of abundance (except when I was in junior high). And so over the years, I've grown to think this way. From the criticism of family members especially, I've succumbed to beating myself to a pulp on the inside because I never thought I was adequate in their eyes. Not to belittle my family, but I just know for sure, I will not raise my kids with so much negativity. BUT, I think my parents are great! They are truly people who only live to have me flourish and benefit and reap the fruits of their labor. So I think to deal with my lack of confidence in myself (in my late teens), I would overcompensate and begin to exaggerate everything. I would act up to hide my feelings or keep talking so that I don't have to listen to things anymore and I became so defensive of myself because I have developed a front. It's all a coping mechanism and slowly, my walls are being broken down and I don't like it. I guess deep inside, I still have a lot of bitterness towards my sister for being so tough on me (even though I know it was out of love). There was just not a lot of patience in the relationship between me and my sister and I think that is not just her fault, but also mine. I was too impatient to see the love behind my sister's words and my sister was just too impatient to deal with me in a calm manner (but then again, what teenage kid is patient enough to deal with a bratty younger sibling? Can't blame her).

Anyways, all these things are starting to come back up and I'm realizing that all these things are hindering my ability to understand the truth behind my relationship with God and I view God as someone who is there to point out my flaws. "Fix it" is something I would expect to hear from Him a lot; however, I do associate God with love because, there was love behind what my family had to say to me and the way they raised me was all out of love. So it's a very confusing and contradictory viewpoint of God. He is someone who loves me yet He is the person who will point out my flaws and expect me to fix it or else...

Slowly, this "wrong" perspective must be broken and it is in the process of being broken. This is something that should have been dealt with a long time ago and yet I've pushed it aside until now. I put "wrong" in quotes because right now, I don't really see it as wrong, I just see it as a different perspective. But I am hoping that God will shape my thoughts and my heart to see and understand that this mindset is wrong. It is wrong because God is not some regulator. We are not expected to be perfect. We are not expected to be able to do these things on our own. We were meant to cling to Him and keep struggling with the issues of our lives. But once again, it is easier said than done.

Mellany: "You were given many gifts. Don't wish you didn't have them, just refine them."

We need to refine the gifts we were given. They may not seem like gifts, but once we refine them, we can see the beauty in them which leads us to realizing the beauty within ourselves as being creations of the one true God. Learn to love yourself and the things God has given you. Don't let the world twist the good that God has created into something that seems inadequate. Because in God's eyes, You are Great.

I want my coffee communion.