Money.

Romans 12:4-8

4 For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, 5 so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. 6 Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; 7 if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in his teaching; 8 the one who exhorts, in his exhortation; the one who contributes, in generosity; the one who leads, with zeal; the one who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness.

"... so we though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of of another..." 

Money.

Just say it like it is...

I've been having a lot of thoughts on friendships and relationships in general lately. People are fascinating creatures... they're like puzzles. Except it's impossible to figure them out fully... there are always so many unknown variables. It's like trying to solve a multi-variable equation... If you were to compare life experiences to equations and the way humans act or think as variables.... then you can easily say that there are too many variables and too few equations... you just can't solve the equation, you can only hypothesize.

I think my biggest fear for coming out of college is realizing that I don't have friends. I don't want to come out of college and notice that I am friendless... that the people I thought were my best friends actually end up disappearing into the world and just become a faint memory. We all will go our separate ways, but will we keep in contact? Will we be intentional? Will I have the strength to continue being intentional or will I grow quickly tired of unintentional friends and just decide to drop it all and just live the way a lot of people live... married to work. I'm scared of losing my soul coming out of college. I'm scared to stop caring about things because I'm "too busy" or "too tired". I don't want to become a soulless man who does nothing but works and pays the bills on time. So most people would chime in that you can have relationships or marriage and get kids and whatnot. But as a Christian, I just can't drop the idea that Christ is supposed to be my fulfillment in life. So let's just say marriage isn't the end-goal in life. Let's just say that we don't see marriage as the ultimate form of intimate relationships... then what? We have nothing. We live pathetic lives. We build up an ego of nobility in our ability to perform well in this world (i.e. paying the bills on time, having a good credit score, having the latest of everything....). But it's all so fleeting. So some people rely on other things, like alcohol or drugs. And honestly, I can't deny that substances do provide that senseless pleasure. They give you a momentary relaxant to keep you just off the edge.

I wonder where I would end up after college. I want to stay home because then I can save so much money, but I don't want to end up in Staten Island again. I only like being here to get away from life... to be alone. But to socialize here... to meet people here. It feels like I'm choking. It's suffocating here. I hate it.

Part of me wants to leave college and cut all ties so I can start all over and hope that I won't make the same mistakes, but it's hard to just drop the friendships I built over the course of college. But I can't help but wonder... how close am I really to these people? Do they consider me their best friends? Is college just an illusion of a life that we all wish we had and then when we graduate, just forget and walk away? What exactly does being a friend entail? What do you do in situations where friendships are not reciprocated? Do you fight for them? Do you just drop it with the thought that you were just not meant to be friends?

Friendships are so complicated... if people thought less about themselves and more about the other person, then things would go so well. People would actually mutually love one another. But most friendships are so one-sided. People just receive and don't give back... and what's worse is that people just don't realize.

I mean... how blind could you be? It's not so hard to realize that you really suck at being a friend.

So I still wonder... what does it mean to be a good friend unto others? Are you really supposed to keep pushing even though it sucks and even though you feel tired and just can't seem to get yourself to care anymore? When things just suck that badly, don't most people just stop caring? That's what I do.

And why do we all try to teach each other how things are in life? Why can't we sometimes just listen for the sake of listening and take things for what they are? I feel like when people share, the listeners are trying more to change the mindset or way of thinking of the speaker because we feel like we know more than the other. But most people don't know crap about the other person... we can only trust what the other says. So why not be more intentional with your words. Say what you feel. Be real. Why try to be a certain way? Why say things you don't mean? It's just a waste of breathe.

I don't know... a lot of things running through my mind, so little time to figure things out before it's too late. What do I do? Where do I go? What am I supposed to believe?

what do you do...

What do you do in that moment when you stop recognizing yourself?

When you realize that you're not who you say you are?

When you realize you're not who you convinced yourself you are?

When you realize that you're so broken that you just act a fool and shrug it off?

When you realize that God is so far away from your heart that you've forgotten the feeling of grace?

When you realize how much you hate the image you portray?

When you realize that people look at you differently?

...

When you have fallen so low that "go to God" just doesn't seem to cut it anymore?

Digital Sea...

I woke, cold and alone
Adrift in an open sea
Caught up in regrets
And tangled in nets
Instead of your arms wrapped around me
And I wept, but my tears are anathema here
Just more water to fill my lungs
I hear someone scream
"God what is it we have done?"

I am drowning in a digital sea
I am slipping beneath the sound
Here my voice goes to ones and zeros
I'm slipping beneath the sound

A song from somewhere below
Deadly and slow begins
Both sickly and sweet
Now picking up speed
Ushering in the world's end
And the ghost of Descartes screams again in the dark
"Oh how could I have been so wrong?"
But above the screams the sirens sing their song

I am drowning in a digital sea
I am slipping beneath the sound
Here my voices goes to ones and zeros
I'm slipping beneath the sound

Here my voice goes to ones and zeros

Life is too short...

A Benediction...

To you who see your circumstances and feel despair and doubt rise up in you, tune your ear to the words of the prophet Isaiah: Fear not, for the Lord has redeemed you. He has called you by name and you are His. When you pass through the waters, He will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For He is the LORD your God, the Holy One, your Savior." God in the Peace of our God who is Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Amen. 

I hope and pray that these words will speak truth into you. Awesome.



Beware of not acting upon what you see in your moments on the mountaintop with God. If you do not obey the light, it will turn into darkness. “If therefore the light that is in you is darkness, how great is that darkness!” (Matthew 6:23). The moment you forsake the matter of sanctification or neglect anything else on which God has given you His light, your spiritual life begins to disintegrate within you. Continually bring the truth out into your real life, working it out into every area, or else even the light that you possess will itself prove to be a curse.

The most difficult person to deal with is the one who has the prideful self-satisfaction of a past experience, but is not working that experience out in his everyday life. If you say you are sanctified, show it. The experience must be so genuine that it shows in your life. Beware of any belief that makes you self-indulgent or self-gratifying; that belief came from the pit of hell itself, regardless of how beautiful it may sound.

Your theology must work itself out, exhibiting itself in your most common everyday relationships. Our Lord said, “. . . unless your righteousness exceeds the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 5:20). In other words, you must be more moral than the most moral person you know. You may know all about the doctrine of sanctification, but are you working it out in the everyday issues of your life? Every detail of your life, whether physical, moral, or spiritual, is to be judged and measured by the standard of the atonement by the Cross of Christ.

I'm Worn...

You know when a song somehow sings out the very things that you're feeling and you can't help but seem to surrender yourself to the song? Yeah.

I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven so come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn