What the hell was that all about?...

God’s grace produces men and women with a strong family likeness to Jesus Christ, not pampered, spoiled weaklings. It takes a tremendous amount of discipline to live the worthy and excellent life of a disciple of Jesus in the realities of life. And it is always necessary for us to make an effort to live a life of worth and excellence.

Something that has been coming up a lot is the question: "Why do I keep making the same mistakes? I'm so disappointed in myself" And the more and more I pray and seek after God, I am coming to realize that God is okay with the fact that we are making the same mistakes. We are only human. But this cannot be mistaken with the fact that God still wants us to live with the mindset that we must put everything that we have into seeking after Him and doing His will. We must acknowledge our unworthiness, because it is not we who have redeemed ourselves, nor is it we who provide grace, strength, courage and salvation. God is the provider of grace and it is this very grace that turns weak people into strong men and women who are in the likeness of Christ. We have been grown and nurtured in a society where you earn your respect and earn your right to take up a significant part in this life. But God counters that and says that we have not earned anything and we cannot earn it. There is no way that we can earn grace and salvation. It was freely given not because God wanted to flaunt his awesome power... but because He wanted us to live in love. He wanted us to live free of the burdens of this world; breaking the very concept that we need to earn before we deserve.

God has been humbling me a lot these days (be careful what you pray for...). But I welcome it wearily. Being humbled by God comes at a price; your pride. It might seem like such a "1+1=2" concept, but this is something that people often hear and yet don't understand. Too often we live life like we're looking at our watches. We check the time always, yet we never know what time it is.

When God humbles you, He will BREAK you. Everyday, I am being broken... and it hurts like hell. My words mean nothing, my voice is all but mush, my thoughts are simple and foolish, and I am left as nothing but "nothingness". I'd be lying if I said that I'm having the time of my life, especially because as I am undergoing these humbling moments, I am really living out these humbling moments. As in, God is really imposing on me that I need to be humbled. And as much as I want to cry out "God, break me more and mold me into your masterpiece", I can't help but think of the pain and burning I will feel as I am thrown into the furnace for refinement. It's like when you throw ores into the fire, the pure metal gets separated from the impurities because all things have different melting points. In the same way, God will throw us into the fire as ores and we will emerge empowered by His holy flames with the ability to shake off and scrape off the impurities.

God, be my blacksmith...

Always Questions...

God gives us a vision, and then He takes us down to the valley to batter us into the shape of that vision. It is in the valley that so many of us give up and faint. Every God-given vision will become real if we will only have patience. Just think of the enormous amount of free time God has! He is never in a hurry. Yet we are always in such a frantic hurry. While still in the light of the glory of the vision, we go right out to do things, but the vision is not yet real in us. God has to take us into the valley and put us through fires and floods to batter us into shape, until we get to the point where He can trust us with the reality of the vision. Ever since God gave us the vision, He has been at work. He is getting us into the shape of the goal He has for us, and yet over and over again we try to escape from the Sculptor’s hand in an effort to batter ourselves into the shape of our own goal.

-My Utmost for His Highest-

We had samgyupsahl again today... and seriously, I loved it. I thought I would hate it, I thought I would get sick of it... but BRING IT ON DAY 3! I really need to go to the gym and do a proper workout.. no more half mile shenanigans... 

I think I'm going to pick up swimming again as my cardio/body toning workout during the school year... depending on how committed I am... If I can keep up this workout routine and find my time to do it, then I am definitely sticking to this and doing swimming. 

I realize more and more these days... that some things, I need to loosen my grip on... some things, I just need to let go... and some things I just need to realize that I'm not there yet. Why does it take so long to get there? Why does this all take so long... Can we fast forward? No... because then, later I'm going to wish I could rewind. It's all so confusing and all so unwanted yet wanted. Can you desire one and still have the other? Are they mutually exclusive or are they just out of reach of each other, leaving one to make a choice... At this point, I would still pick the wrong one. So what do I do, when I don't necessarily desire what I should desire because technically what I don't desire will provide me more satisfaction that what I desire, and what I desire will be the end of me.... yet I still desire it. 

Questions, questions. 

the Vow

I just finished watching the movie "The Vow" and I've got to say, it's a great movie. Very cheesy I guess and very unrealistic considering it's Hollywood... but I really liked it and apparently it's based off of a true story. What puzzled me was the mixed reviews I was hearing from different groups of people and what further shocked me was that (for the most part) the girls that had watched it thought it was lame but the guys I know who watched it were all blown away by the movie.

Now, one way to view this is that the girls I know are heartless women who have no souls, or that the guys I know are hopeless romantic saps. But what I noticed was pretty obvious, was that it is in the point of view of the man in the story. So it is much easier for a guy to relate to the story... to relate or to imagine the undesirable possibility of your loved one/spouse losing their memory.

Man, I couldn't help but feel so sorry for the main character. This sounds so sappy, but I really did feel for the guy. You can't help but pity the poor guy...

Anyway, I saw a cockroach in my house today... it was really small but really fast. You know that feeling where you see a bug and then you immediately start to feel like there are bugs all over you? Yeah, I had that feeling after that... and it was so annoying. Now, if you didn't know (Haeun and Kyungshick definitely know) that I hate bugs. I don't dislike them.... I hate them.. to the point where I used to wish that I had the superpower to gather every single bug in the world. Afterwards, I would put them all into a sphere and either burn them or throw them up into space so that they all die and we live in a world free of bugs. That is how much I used to hate bugs and that same hatred has carried through, throughout the years. The only thing that is different is that I have learned a great deal more about the ecosystem and thus have learned that this whole world (to a certain degree) depends on those bugs... so to gather them all and kill them would be killing off th world... so I decided against that... but I still hate bugs. I think the reason why I like movies so much, is because most of them somehow have outdoor scenes without a TRACE of a bug... and I think... I wish I could live like that. Forget the love stories and whatnot, I want the bugless world that Hollywood portrays.

I moved my computer downstairs to my dad's room and thus now enjoy fast (wired) internet! Come at me! Verizon FiOs for the win! I really take fast internet for granted (which is a loaded first world statement in itself) but I didn't notice this until I had to live through a cruddy internet connection upstairs in my room. I turned my room into a "study" room that is still in need of being used... Now, by study room I basically just moved my computer... so I just have an empty desk that I need to start using as my study desk. Having a computer in my face always distracts me. Now it's crunch time for GREs. God, give me perseverance to study hard not just for my sake, but for the sake of following your will!

Can't wait for my Europe trip. I feel like it's going to be epic. Very tiring but definitely will be a great experience. Can't WAIT!

What prayer can be...

Instead of praying only for relief, we begin to pray that the glory of God’s character would be on display in our lives and the lives of those for whom we are praying. We pray for the joy of discovering that the faith we have given lip service to over a lifetime is the real deal. We ask God to use the difficulty to make us less self-reliant and more God-reliant. Rather than only begging him to remove the suffering in our loved ones’ lives, we ask him to make them spiritually fruitful in the midst of suffering he chooses not to remove.

Home sweet Home?

I'm finally home for the summer... My first summer ever in NYC... I'm having loads of mixed feelings about my summer her in NY but I have plenty of goals for this summer:

1. Learn Drums
2. Make Money
3. Read LOTS of Books
4. Learn C++
5. Write at least 5 songs
6. Help out at MBS (home church)
7. Study for the GREs
8. Take tons of pictures and hone my skill
9. Hang out with Christine as much as possible
10. Learn more cooking dishes
11. Keep working out
12. Continue studying the Word and re-establishing a firm relationship with Christ (getting out of this complacent phase)
13. Longboard as much as possible!

There's definitely more that I just can't think of right now. I really want to accomplish all of this... but I'm going to need a lot of time to get all of this down... can't be wasting a lot of time. Gotta make sure I'm staying on top of my studies for the GREs... Can't be slacking off at all. We'll see how all of this goes.

I'm kind of feeling bummed about being home.. I feel like all the action is happening over at Boston and I want to be a part of it... God give me patience and perseverance!!

Love never ends...

"Love never ends...." (1 Corinthians 13:8)

Love never ends... Love is patient, kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing; but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends...

God made a promise to His people... because He loves us. That concept was always so abstract to me and it still is, but God is Love. God bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things... God endures all things. God never ends. God is my everything. He is my all. He is the beginning, the end, the almighty, the good.

God is good. All the Time.

It's a strange thing...

Today was a pretty productive day. I went to Mugar and studied from 4PM till 3AM. I've got to say, honestly, it took a lot longer than it should have but regardless, I did what I set out to do. I can't really say that I'm feeling all too ready for this Thermodynamics exam. I went through a butt load of material, but it really is difficult to grasp the concepts because a lot of it depends on subtleties... I wish I had been able to grasp these concepts while I was learning them but at this point, I'm just trying to piece together fragments of information. Everything that I've learned so far in this class is somehow interconnected and I really wish that I could get a better idea of how they are connected, but it's not necessarily happening for me.

Anyways, I watched Blood Diamond last night and felt an extremely strong conviction to join Engineers Without Borders. I saw how the movie depicted the lives of African people and the war-torn country that it was shown as and I couldn't help but wish that something could be done. What really got me was the fact that there was a photojournalist in the movie and the way she took pictures to describe and depict the pain and agony made me want to go on a trip to Africa to take pictures in the same way. Of course, I have a long way to go before I even master the art of photojournalism... but I want to master it or at least get very good at it. I want to take trips to torn countries and be able to take pictures that properly and fully display the emotions and culture that is present in those countries... to be able to depict the infinite difference between life in America and life elsewhere. I hope I can live out that kind of a dream.

That movie also motivated me to study harder. It made me realize, that in order for me to make a difference in this world, I can't just be an average student. I need to think of new ideas... be innovative. I need to see this world as a huge pool of opportunity. See the world as a compilation of materials and tools, of which I will use to create things that will better the lives of mankind. I feel like a huge effort is going out to creating sustainable products for third world countries... products that can be created and maintained in a not-so-energy-friendly environment. Energy is the biggest issue in this world... trying to find a clean, powerful and efficient source of energy. And then using that source of energy to power the world to prosperity. I wanna make a change...

I want to be an engineer...