Hashtag - Toilet Diaries...

It has been far too long since I've been able to write in this blog... as is with all mediocre and "enthusiast" bloggers, I will start up again and attempt at maintaining interest in my own personal for more than 15 minutes a day.

Time is definitely fleeting. Just a few minutes ago, it was Monday. And here we are again on a Sunday night Monday morning with me dreading the drive to work as well as the endless number of tickets and phone calls and customers complaining about how their issues are more important than the next... *queue tiniest violin in the world*.

Anyway, let me get back to watching an episode of "House of Cards" before going to bed and regretting every minute of it as I decide to kill another hour of potential sleep. Oh.. sweet sweet sleep - such a rarity in which words cannot even begin to describe just how succulent it is as an entity.

Goodnight Yall. Keep it real.

The Pursuit of God :: Update 2

 The Pursuit of God :: Chapter 3

He [God] is immutable, which means that He has never changed and can never change in any smallest measure. To change He would need to go from better to worse or from worse to better. He cannot do either, for being perfect He cannot become more perfect, and if He were to become less perfect He would be less than God. 

Amazing. A perfect depiction of Him. The immovable rock. The unchanging. The consistent. The stable. I love it.

The Pursuit of God (Chpt. 1)

This is a response to Chapter 1 of The Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer (Credits to Gkray for recommending this book).

All social intercourse between human beings is a response of personality to personality, grading upward from the most casual brush between man and man to the fullest, most intimate communion of which the human soul is capable. Religion, so far as it is genuine, is in essence the response of created personalities to the Creating Personality, God ... ... ... Being made in His image we have within us the capacity to know Him. In our sins we lack only the power. 

The Paradox of Love
We taste Thee, O Thou Living Bread,  
And long to feast upon Thee still:
We drink of Thee, the Fountainhead
And thirst our souls from Thee to fill. 

Everything is made to center upon the initial act of 'accepting' Christ (a term, incidentally, which is not found in the Bible) and we are not expected thereafter to crave any further revelation of God to our souls. We have been snared in the coils of a spurious logic which insists that if we have found Him we need no more seek Him ... 

 Every age has its own characteristics. Right now we are in an age of religious complexity. The simplicity which is in Christ is rarely found among us. In its stead are programs, methods, organizations and a world of nervous activities which occupy time and attention but can never satisfy the longing of the heart. The shallowness of our inner experience, the hollowness of our worship, and the servile imitation of the world which marks our promotional methods all testify that we, in this day, know God only imperfectly, and the peace of God scarcely at all. 

The man who has God for his treasure has all things in One. Many ordinary treasures may be denied him, or if he is allowed to have them, the enjoyment of them will be so tempered that they will never be necessary to his happiness. Or if he must see them go, one after one, he will scarcely feel a sense of loss, for having the Source of all things he has in One all satisfaction, all pleasure, all delight. Whatever he may lose he has actually lost nothing, for he now has it all in One, and he has it purely, legitimately and forever.  

This man has a way with words. That last bit is so money. Enjoy my very scarce (if not non-existent) followers!

Dreams are... dreams...

I watched Waiting for 'Superman' today and I must say that at the least it was a very moving documentary. I typically have a very dubious or suspicious outlook while I watch to try and catch the "twisting of facts" or the illogical statements that so conveniently leave out or highlight certain bits of information/data. But for some reason, this movie hit home pretty hard especially because I grew up in an elementary school and middle school that is similar to those in the movies. Granted, Staten Island isn't a dumpster (at least not anymore hahaha) nor is it the slums but the educational system here was a far cry from valid or even legitimate. The demographic of my elementary and middle schools was a vast majority, lower class folk and I grew up with these kids... Most of them had already known in their own heads that they were going no where in life just by the way teachers looked at them, treated them or even immediately labeled them based off of their grades.

In the midst of that crowd of endless failure-to-be's, I was a rare find along with a few other kids. But the funny thing is, no matter how much I saw the difference in the way adults treated my friends (the "failures") and me, I could not help but notice that a lot of my friends were actually geniuses in different ways. They had uncanny abilities to write poetry, to put emotion, truth, and reality into their writing. Even in the way they thought... I couldn't wrap my head around it but there was a difference and it was interesting how their logic formed and how they came to certain conclusions because it was absolutely ingenious. But it's too bad that I'm only one of few that came out with a proper education and a college degree. It's actually sad to see that happening. Such great minds... going to waste and the cycle repeating.... If only teachers could really see the potential in their children... really stir the passion in their hearts to learn and to excel in things they love!


I say this more so because as I start to think about how my life will unfold and how I would like to see my path unravel, I wonder... what are my dreams? What happened to my old dreams? What am I passionate about? And from that, job searching really became so different because I started thinking... is it really all about money? Will I really be happy even if I make a lot of money but am not passionate about what I do? I'm so young and there are endless possibilities... but we grew up in scary times. We've seen terrorist attacks at our doorstep, we've experienced economic plunges, wars... And so I think innately, I grew up in fear.... Fear that I would grow up without security... And so something in me changed and I started to find ways simply to gain security. Security. For my children, for my future wife, for my finances... For my LIFE.

But the only true security comes through Christ. So abstract, but it's starting to break me... break my foundation. Make me realize just how difficult it is to really live as a Christian and how much more difficult it gets as you keep getting older.

So in the end, I am still confused... what are my dreams? Are dreams... really just dreams? Or do they ever become reality? Should you ever justify the loss of security for the sake of following your dreams? It's a difficult world to live in... Maybe that's why parents love their children.. because maybe when you have kids, you can live through their dreams... live to see the world the way they see it... to fake yourself out into believing for a second that this world was made for dreamers. That life was made for dreams to become reality...

I hope that someday, I can help kids make their dreams turn into reality. I want to bring joy in learning. I want to see the light in their eyes, the wheels turn, the eyes wander and dream and wonder. Wonder is an amazing thing... it drives people... ultimately... it brings purpose.

Which is why I wonder at the amazing power of God. Just wonder.

Waiting, waiting waiting... joyfully?

Lately, a lot of things in life are requiring me to wait... But waiting is an arbitrary term.... We're often taught in church of two types of waiting: Active Waiting and Passive Waiting. Actively waiting is to "wait" on the Lord and to wait for Him to direct you as you continue to live on life and make decisions whereas passively waiting is to halt a decision that needs to be made in order that you can fully hear God's divine intervention and calling.

I'm in a period of my life where there is a lot of waiting that needs to happen. I need to wait to hear back for jobs, or wait till it's the right time to apply (in some cases). And in this case, people are especially weak because we either become lazy and thus "quit" waiting or become absolutely restless because we feel the need to make decisions now. And thus it becomes an issue for me when I try to explain my situation... I am waiting... because I want to figure out what exactly I want to do with my life... I am meditating, planning, thinking quite a bit... but I'm most definitely not being lazy. The problem is that it's difficult to explain all of that in a short sentence (just long enough to maintain their attention) without going on this elongated story that neither I want to tell nor does the listener really care enough to hear.

But in all other cases, waiting kills me. I think it kills me because I am at a complete standstill. I don't know what to feel, think, do. I just sit here idly... confused by my mind and heart. It's a confusing state and it's frustrating. But I feel that God is calling me to be silent and listen. To seek first the Kingdom. To desire Him above all else. More than a job, money, security, a girl, etc. I need to find delight in Him. But man does it suck and it's hard. When I read or hear about stories in the bible of people who've waited 40 years... or generations... I wonder.. how the hell do they do that? And then I realize... and remember... that it's because the Good News... the story of redemption, the revealing of God's promise for that time or the future times is just that good. That it's worth waiting decades for... centuries for... lifetimes for. It's foolishness in the public's eye... but our eyes are foolish and blind. And foolish sightings of a blind man are void anyway.

God, give me sight to see just how amazing you are. A few years as a sojourner are nothing in comparison to the immense riches that await me once I come back Home. Give me the patience to wait it out a bit longer and to find joy while waiting. As things come together, may I continue to give you joy and delight in what you have blessed me with.

food for thought...

"you need to keep negating the present... with the message of future glory"

A counter to your current sufferings. Fight the good fight. Be Humbled.
Approach Him face. down.

FACE. DOWN.

Romans 8:18-30

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. 19 For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God.20 For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope 21 that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. 22 For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. 23 And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

26 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. 27 And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. 28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. 29 For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30 And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.

-- edit -- 
Key :: "Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience." --

Too often, I've been looking to put hope into what I can see... but if I already see it, there is no need for hope because it is already provided for or guaranteed. But if we place "hope" into what we do not see, it is then that we actually hope in it. Because we know whole-heartedly and humbly that it is not guaranteed... 

Things in this world (even if we hope in them) are fleeting and not guaranteed. But, things of The Kingdom... these are guaranteed. We cannot see it. But we need to keep telling ourselves, convincing ourselves, making ourselves believe that such things are guaranteed. Because if we fail to do so, then we fail to see the true necessity of hope. We begin to start believing that we were capable of reaching the unreachable from the start. And thus we turn our hopeless situation into utter failure. 

There are two types of failure... 1. Prideful Failure and 2. Humble Failure.
1 -- Prideful Failure stems from a mindset believing that we are entitled to earn something. The mind believes that the set goal is reachable as long as one is determined enough and suitable for success (success being loosely defined). 
2 -- Humble Failure stems from a completely broken and perfectly/gloriously humiliated soul. This kind of failure results in one becoming so in touch with the reality of their situation. They begin to realize and fully comprehend that they are literally, physically, mentally and spiritually incapable in any/every way. We realize that we were cripples from the start. 

I pray that we all reach and seek Humble Failure and in turn, seek after Christ with insurmountable and desperate hunger, desire and rage. Amen. 

Unforgettable... (4/15/2013)

I don't usually post things on tumblr... but I guess today really is just one of those days.

Today was supposed to be a lot of things. Marathon Monday. Patriot's Day. Potential "YOLO" Day. I originally made plans to go see the marathon in the morning and cheer the first group on and then hit a bunch of pubs and just enjoy a typical marathon monday. 

But I woke up late, because I went to bed late. I started off the day regretting my decision to sleep in a bit but still I slowly got myself out of bed, showered and quickly head out to see the craziness of the marathon with intentions to study at a cafe instead. 

Kyungshick and I got to Copley and walked around, squeezing through crowds of people and even seeing the occasional runner walking with loved ones or just looking to reunite. We planned to watch the marathon and cheer people on for a bit and then eventually head to a local coffee shop and just grab some coffee/do our work... but we just couldn't get through to the other side of the street due to road blockages and the marathon route... so we ended up walking all the way down to Arlington St. and we just walked to Thinking Cup while minding our own business and enjoying the quiet day. I still remember admiring the runners for having accomplished such a great feat... pushing the limits of their bodies and completing the unthinkable... I found myself thinking of people as beautiful things... full of surprises and energy. But the biggest surprise was just around the corner...

While at Thinking Cup and complaining about the lack of wifi... I get a call from Wes (assuming he wanted to meet me)... the conversation went something like this: 

Wes: Danny! Where are you? (yelling and screaming in the background... which later I realized was not of joy but of distress and fear)

Me: Thinking Cup... doing some work, whatsup?

Wes: OKAY.... good..... did you see the news?? Get out now. Bombs went off at the Finish Line... get back to campus! 

Confusion followed and I simply got up and walked away. Kyungshick and I didn't really know what to think... or even if we were supposed to believe it. We walked through Boston Commons searching for a cab... but while walking, I couldn't help but become more and more paranoid. It was like those scenes in movies... everyone was oblivious... no one knew yet that the bomb had gone off... so kids are playing, parents laughing, people enjoying their quiet days. But my mind couldn't help but think: "any one of these people could be wired with a bomb right now.... anything in this area could potentially blow up"... As I kept walking, I got more and more paranoid, giving people strange looks, becoming overly aware of potentially threatening gestures or even looks. 

We finally hailed a cab and even still, I thought: "what if the cab driver is a terrorist... what if I just happened to get into the wrong cab" 

Honestly speaking, I didn't feel fear. It was pure adrenaline. I was in survival mode and I was readying myself for the worst. Thankfully, we got home fine and then that's when it all started sinking in. Throughout the day, I slowly started to digest what happened and even though I wasn't there, even seeing what had happened on TV just made me feel sick to my stomach. 

I'm still a little shaken but so thankful. Even if I were 10 minutes behind schedule... I could have been a victim. A mere 10 minutes... 600 seconds was what kept me from real danger and threat. God gently pushed me away from Copley... I literally tiptoed past death with nothing but a whisper and by the grace of God I was kept just far enough. I don't know what it was in me but I just didn't want to stay at Copley to watch people cross... And it was that very gut instinct that kept me from being inches away from an explosion that has become one of the greatest tragedies in recent Boston history. 

I am so thankful for Wes who even thought to give me a call and for all of you who have texted me from all over to make sure I was OK. But most of all, I am so thankful that God has kept a shield over my friends and kept them safe even if by just a few feet. It was great news to know everyone was alive and well. 

Let us continue to keep Boston in our prayers, especially those who do not have the privilege to say that their loved ones are alive and/or well. 

Open Water.

The ocean floor begins to disappear
I sense that terrible depth
The open water is my only fear
but I'll sail as long as I still have breath in me

I'm starting to believe the ocean's much like you
cause it gives, and it takes away

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Remember when things were simple in life?

I can barely distinguish "suckiness" from "life" anymore. It all just blends in and then I lose grasp of the gospel.

Life just makes you want to give up. And that's just truth. It's not pessimism. It's just life.

but I'll sail as long as I still have breath in me - 

How do people remain so hopeful in life when situations tell them to just stop putting hope into anything?
Is it just naivety? Is it just a hopeless wishing? Is it the same as the concept of hopeless romantics?

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. But what is the sugar in this metaphor? Where is this sugar provided? And it takes a lot of sugar to counter the pure sourness of lemons. I conclude it's a pretty stupid metaphor. Just sayin'.

"OnedayitwillALLmakeSense"...







WHEN.

Money.

Romans 12:4-8

4 For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, 5 so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. 6 Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; 7 if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in his teaching; 8 the one who exhorts, in his exhortation; the one who contributes, in generosity; the one who leads, with zeal; the one who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness.

"... so we though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of of another..." 

Money.

Just say it like it is...

I've been having a lot of thoughts on friendships and relationships in general lately. People are fascinating creatures... they're like puzzles. Except it's impossible to figure them out fully... there are always so many unknown variables. It's like trying to solve a multi-variable equation... If you were to compare life experiences to equations and the way humans act or think as variables.... then you can easily say that there are too many variables and too few equations... you just can't solve the equation, you can only hypothesize.

I think my biggest fear for coming out of college is realizing that I don't have friends. I don't want to come out of college and notice that I am friendless... that the people I thought were my best friends actually end up disappearing into the world and just become a faint memory. We all will go our separate ways, but will we keep in contact? Will we be intentional? Will I have the strength to continue being intentional or will I grow quickly tired of unintentional friends and just decide to drop it all and just live the way a lot of people live... married to work. I'm scared of losing my soul coming out of college. I'm scared to stop caring about things because I'm "too busy" or "too tired". I don't want to become a soulless man who does nothing but works and pays the bills on time. So most people would chime in that you can have relationships or marriage and get kids and whatnot. But as a Christian, I just can't drop the idea that Christ is supposed to be my fulfillment in life. So let's just say marriage isn't the end-goal in life. Let's just say that we don't see marriage as the ultimate form of intimate relationships... then what? We have nothing. We live pathetic lives. We build up an ego of nobility in our ability to perform well in this world (i.e. paying the bills on time, having a good credit score, having the latest of everything....). But it's all so fleeting. So some people rely on other things, like alcohol or drugs. And honestly, I can't deny that substances do provide that senseless pleasure. They give you a momentary relaxant to keep you just off the edge.

I wonder where I would end up after college. I want to stay home because then I can save so much money, but I don't want to end up in Staten Island again. I only like being here to get away from life... to be alone. But to socialize here... to meet people here. It feels like I'm choking. It's suffocating here. I hate it.

Part of me wants to leave college and cut all ties so I can start all over and hope that I won't make the same mistakes, but it's hard to just drop the friendships I built over the course of college. But I can't help but wonder... how close am I really to these people? Do they consider me their best friends? Is college just an illusion of a life that we all wish we had and then when we graduate, just forget and walk away? What exactly does being a friend entail? What do you do in situations where friendships are not reciprocated? Do you fight for them? Do you just drop it with the thought that you were just not meant to be friends?

Friendships are so complicated... if people thought less about themselves and more about the other person, then things would go so well. People would actually mutually love one another. But most friendships are so one-sided. People just receive and don't give back... and what's worse is that people just don't realize.

I mean... how blind could you be? It's not so hard to realize that you really suck at being a friend.

So I still wonder... what does it mean to be a good friend unto others? Are you really supposed to keep pushing even though it sucks and even though you feel tired and just can't seem to get yourself to care anymore? When things just suck that badly, don't most people just stop caring? That's what I do.

And why do we all try to teach each other how things are in life? Why can't we sometimes just listen for the sake of listening and take things for what they are? I feel like when people share, the listeners are trying more to change the mindset or way of thinking of the speaker because we feel like we know more than the other. But most people don't know crap about the other person... we can only trust what the other says. So why not be more intentional with your words. Say what you feel. Be real. Why try to be a certain way? Why say things you don't mean? It's just a waste of breathe.

I don't know... a lot of things running through my mind, so little time to figure things out before it's too late. What do I do? Where do I go? What am I supposed to believe?

what do you do...

What do you do in that moment when you stop recognizing yourself?

When you realize that you're not who you say you are?

When you realize you're not who you convinced yourself you are?

When you realize that you're so broken that you just act a fool and shrug it off?

When you realize that God is so far away from your heart that you've forgotten the feeling of grace?

When you realize how much you hate the image you portray?

When you realize that people look at you differently?

...

When you have fallen so low that "go to God" just doesn't seem to cut it anymore?

Digital Sea...

I woke, cold and alone
Adrift in an open sea
Caught up in regrets
And tangled in nets
Instead of your arms wrapped around me
And I wept, but my tears are anathema here
Just more water to fill my lungs
I hear someone scream
"God what is it we have done?"

I am drowning in a digital sea
I am slipping beneath the sound
Here my voice goes to ones and zeros
I'm slipping beneath the sound

A song from somewhere below
Deadly and slow begins
Both sickly and sweet
Now picking up speed
Ushering in the world's end
And the ghost of Descartes screams again in the dark
"Oh how could I have been so wrong?"
But above the screams the sirens sing their song

I am drowning in a digital sea
I am slipping beneath the sound
Here my voices goes to ones and zeros
I'm slipping beneath the sound

Here my voice goes to ones and zeros

Life is too short...

A Benediction...

To you who see your circumstances and feel despair and doubt rise up in you, tune your ear to the words of the prophet Isaiah: Fear not, for the Lord has redeemed you. He has called you by name and you are His. When you pass through the waters, He will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For He is the LORD your God, the Holy One, your Savior." God in the Peace of our God who is Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Amen. 

I hope and pray that these words will speak truth into you. Awesome.



Beware of not acting upon what you see in your moments on the mountaintop with God. If you do not obey the light, it will turn into darkness. “If therefore the light that is in you is darkness, how great is that darkness!” (Matthew 6:23). The moment you forsake the matter of sanctification or neglect anything else on which God has given you His light, your spiritual life begins to disintegrate within you. Continually bring the truth out into your real life, working it out into every area, or else even the light that you possess will itself prove to be a curse.

The most difficult person to deal with is the one who has the prideful self-satisfaction of a past experience, but is not working that experience out in his everyday life. If you say you are sanctified, show it. The experience must be so genuine that it shows in your life. Beware of any belief that makes you self-indulgent or self-gratifying; that belief came from the pit of hell itself, regardless of how beautiful it may sound.

Your theology must work itself out, exhibiting itself in your most common everyday relationships. Our Lord said, “. . . unless your righteousness exceeds the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 5:20). In other words, you must be more moral than the most moral person you know. You may know all about the doctrine of sanctification, but are you working it out in the everyday issues of your life? Every detail of your life, whether physical, moral, or spiritual, is to be judged and measured by the standard of the atonement by the Cross of Christ.

I'm Worn...

You know when a song somehow sings out the very things that you're feeling and you can't help but seem to surrender yourself to the song? Yeah.

I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven so come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn

I Can See Again...

I've been listening to a lot of Mars Hill Church music lately, and it's so captivating. I've heard people call it, the musician's music but it's more than that. Given that they really are worshiping through these songs, it is the true form of worship in the form of music. I could listen to this stuff forever. 

I just finished reading the first book to the "Night Angel" series (The Way of the Shadows) and it was an amazing read. I couldn't put down the book. I would get tired of reading books; so I would go to do something else but within 5 minutes, I was sticking my nose back into the book. Now, I just need to get that same kind of want for the Bible. I've been doing some consistent reading of the Word and not going to lie, it really changes things in your life. It's almost coincidental; but you really start to believe that the things happening your life are perfectly orchestrated by God. Whether it is the good or the bad, the series of events become something more than just "happenings". They actually start to hold weight and meaning. 

I've been going to Apostle's Church in the city every Sunday and obviously this requires me to take trips out to the city each weekend. After consistent trips out, I've come to appreciate the city for what it has to offer. I actually don't mind going out to the city as often (maybe it's because I've started taking the Express Bus rather than the local route. 

I've been feeling an impulse to write something for some time but now that I'm writing, I don't really feel as though I have anything substantial to say so I will end it at this. 

Goodnight. 

That awkward moment when...

Don't you just hate it when you have a very slow day and nothing is going on at night so you decide to go to bed early and then you realize you can't fall asleep because your mind is racing. Next thing you know, it's 2AM and you're wide awake and your mind is still going: "kjafnLFIUASD;DN qojfopq' JFOPQJDASD IWQE02&$)!@&$)(&()JDOIJdasd au(WSdslkadjadjnoas d9)!(@$&!@){$&(DASOKDJoajd:)()(hdklAHDLASJDKSAJDIOnkanKNFDKASDFLASKNDNAlkjnflksnfsdnf;folsnjf;klanfafn'fanflnsmkjfnscnwdsfmsnfs;kldfandfsnfos;daf......wsfasnfsdjfla...ano;FNLSAD;ANDFSNF;nskanfjdknf;()&)#U$()*#&%)!&@$_!@*$()$*@*!P@*#()UAJDljdladlakjdakmdalkdlala;d.........

Yeah, well I'm having one of those moments right now. It's like all my thoughts are just white noise and it just won't shut up. 

So frustrating when you're mind is racing and you've got so many thoughts swimming through your head. I should invent something that can literally shut your brain off when you're sleeping... Would be a bit dangerous in the protoyping stage... especially with humans... if you accidentally shut the brain off for good... HAHA

Anyway... Johnny Woo suggested I go read 1 Chronicles. Sounds like sound advice. 

Insert Title Here...

I just got back from Europe 2 days ago and it was definitely an experience. There was a lot of planning that went into the Europe Trip that my dad and I underwent and a lot of it went according to plan and a lot of it didn't (i.e. we were too tired to visit some museums). In total, we covered 8 different countries (Netherlands, Germany, France, Luxembourg, Belgium, Swtizerland, Lichtenstein and Austria). Everyday was a new thing, a new destination a new agenda. It was very tiring and mentally taxing but it was also a very refreshing experience.

As I finished up my Europe trip, I remembered just how much young American people fantasize and glorify Europe. We often dream of it as a place of romance or a place where there is character and history and hipster concepts. A place where everyone dresses well and where you would want to find love. I too used to think that way but after traveling across Europe, I have become very disillusioned about Europe to say the least. In it's own way, it is a very broken country with a lot of dark history but it also harbors a great deal of hope... hope to rebuild, hope to be better. People often dream of living in Europe... to that, I say that America really is one of the best places in the world to settle down. What I realized is that Americans have seriously become fattened and drunk on the concept of the "American Dream". As kids, we were taught to live with an attitude that if we want it, we can get it. However, since when has just the "thought" been enough to cause people to really strive for certain things. After having been taught to think and dream like a champion, we forget that in order for those dreams to become reality, we need to act.

This is most definitely not a criticism towards Americans with the only message being that Americans have turned into stupid, slobbering pigs. More so, it's a reminder to myself that this world is not all that willing to help me as I live my life. The illusion that my teachers up until now have been building has been deteriorating slowly and I am starting to see the world as it is and has been since the beginning of time. Just because I was born in America does not guarantee an easier way of life. What I started to see now, is that more than having the "American" perspective on things in life, it's essential to have a GLOBAL perspective. This world is moving so fast and information is accessible all across the world at an incomprehensible speed. It now makes what seemed like a vast world into a small area that is within "walking distance".

But how does this thinking fit into the Christian perspective? Aren't we as Christians supposed to be moving away from the worldly perspective? So isn't this basically all garbage? No. I think that by following the Christian perspective, we actually follow this kind of thinking on a much larger scale... So now, the world isn't an "area"... it's just a point on an infinite plane. Because our goal isn't understanding the way the world works... If we really follow the Christian perspective, then God puts our focus on the Kingdom... the infinite plane. And so this single point within the infinite becomes so small that it's (as mathematicians like to say)... negligible. God says, don't worry about this small point in the infinite... we get so tripped over this single point that we forget that there is a sea of infinite!

I am so guilty of this. I think this trip to Europe and getting a small taste of how infinitesimally small I am has thrown me out of whack and so my brain is fried and I am just all over the place mentally. I can't seem to get a grasp on reality and I got so shocked that I just started to think... what the heck is the point in all of this... But I failed to remember (and I am slowly being reminded) that that is why the gospel is so profound! Because despite the fact that we are such NOTHINGS in all of life... God has perfectly placed you, a mere electron in this infinite plane, exactly where he wants you and he has not forgotten your place in this vastness. In fact, more so than just remembering where you are, He is WATCHING you each and every moment you exist... and He adores you. He is so joyed by the fact that you are there... And so whenever we feel like our existence is so meaningless, remember that there is a God out there that has appointed meaning to your seemingly useless life and He can't WAIT till you see it, grasp it, and live it.

Really...?

I can really be so dumb sometimes... It amazes me.

They say people who are all brains have no common sense/"street smarts"... and vice versa...

What if you got neither. What are you then?

What the hell was that all about?...

God’s grace produces men and women with a strong family likeness to Jesus Christ, not pampered, spoiled weaklings. It takes a tremendous amount of discipline to live the worthy and excellent life of a disciple of Jesus in the realities of life. And it is always necessary for us to make an effort to live a life of worth and excellence.

Something that has been coming up a lot is the question: "Why do I keep making the same mistakes? I'm so disappointed in myself" And the more and more I pray and seek after God, I am coming to realize that God is okay with the fact that we are making the same mistakes. We are only human. But this cannot be mistaken with the fact that God still wants us to live with the mindset that we must put everything that we have into seeking after Him and doing His will. We must acknowledge our unworthiness, because it is not we who have redeemed ourselves, nor is it we who provide grace, strength, courage and salvation. God is the provider of grace and it is this very grace that turns weak people into strong men and women who are in the likeness of Christ. We have been grown and nurtured in a society where you earn your respect and earn your right to take up a significant part in this life. But God counters that and says that we have not earned anything and we cannot earn it. There is no way that we can earn grace and salvation. It was freely given not because God wanted to flaunt his awesome power... but because He wanted us to live in love. He wanted us to live free of the burdens of this world; breaking the very concept that we need to earn before we deserve.

God has been humbling me a lot these days (be careful what you pray for...). But I welcome it wearily. Being humbled by God comes at a price; your pride. It might seem like such a "1+1=2" concept, but this is something that people often hear and yet don't understand. Too often we live life like we're looking at our watches. We check the time always, yet we never know what time it is.

When God humbles you, He will BREAK you. Everyday, I am being broken... and it hurts like hell. My words mean nothing, my voice is all but mush, my thoughts are simple and foolish, and I am left as nothing but "nothingness". I'd be lying if I said that I'm having the time of my life, especially because as I am undergoing these humbling moments, I am really living out these humbling moments. As in, God is really imposing on me that I need to be humbled. And as much as I want to cry out "God, break me more and mold me into your masterpiece", I can't help but think of the pain and burning I will feel as I am thrown into the furnace for refinement. It's like when you throw ores into the fire, the pure metal gets separated from the impurities because all things have different melting points. In the same way, God will throw us into the fire as ores and we will emerge empowered by His holy flames with the ability to shake off and scrape off the impurities.

God, be my blacksmith...